So yeah...a bit of a history  

onthefence3 35F
19 posts
10/8/2005 10:53 pm

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

So yeah...a bit of a history

This is the first blog I've ever had...started... so here it goes..
I'm going to be 24 in week...and well yeah. I'm not sure where my life is headed..and it bothers me. I have always been in heterosexual relationships until two years ago. That's when I met the most wonderful person I've ever known. She's beautiful, funny, interesting, caring, and takes care of me. She's been my everything, next to my son...for the last two years. She was there for my ultrasounds, doctors apts. and the birth of my son, she was the one who took care of me when i had morning sickness and all sorts of other problems when i was pregnant. All the other people i've been with in my life have turned out to be assholes or jerks. and I always thought that she'd be different. and she was for a long time....until the last few months. Then she decided that she couldnt deal with being with a female, too many times in her life she's heard that this sort of relationship is just wrong and that people in homosexual relationships are either crazy, have had problems with molestation, or are going to she can't be with me. i thought, at first that she just wanted to date one of our friends ( a guy ) but about a month after telling me that she didn't love me anymore and we couldn't be together, she told me what was really going on. and that she didn't really want to date our friend, that she couldnt' even imagine him holding her hand or kissing her let alone laying in bed with him the way we did. and she told me that she wanted to be with me and that together ( if i still wanted to try ) that we could try to get those thoughts out of her head.....then she went home ( 400 miles away from where we live now ) for two days. when she came back she was acting standoffish towards me. which hurt my heart so much........and a few days later she told me that she just didn't think that she could be with me ....that she just couldn't get around what was in her head. no matter what is in her heart. she said that she loves me and that she wishes she could be with me , but she just can't. so i'm stuck now...i love looking at girls, but can't imagine being with another girl unless it's her....and i can't imagine being with a guy again. i'm affraid that if the "father" ( i use the term loosly becuase he hasn't done a thing to help out ) finds out that i'm with her, he'll use it against me to gain custody ( which would be really easy in the state we live in to use it against me ) and not because he wants to have our son but just to be mean and spitefull...and what she doesn't understand is that i have fears too...she's not the only one who thinks that her family will disown her and hate her forever. she also thinks that her friends will leave and not talk to her. which i don't believe...if they're your friends and family they love you no matter what...but i understand it...and what people in our small redneck town will think.. i know that if you love some one all that shit shouldnt matter...and that being happy is the ultimate goal..but she's not happy becuase she's worried about what other people will think...and that makes me sad..because i love her and when we're together here at my house everything's great....we're happy and laugh and flirt and have a blast....but as soon as the door's open or we step's all gone...she's worried that if she sits too close to me or if she has pictures ofus together anywhere....that they may think that her and i are together..i don't know it's lame.....i dont' know my heart hurts and my brain says fuck it ditch her...but then she comes by or calls and when she hugs me i forget that there's so many friends say that i should just leave and not talk to her anymore..which would be really easy because my lease is up in a month and i can move anywhere i want....and then just not talk to her...but i love her so much and she's only the second person i've ever got this close to......and i know that i deserve to be treated better..and i deserve someone who loves me for who i am and what i have to offer..and who wants to be with me and loves me as much as i love them.....but then where do i go from son love s her and calls her mama too....and i can't just rip her out of his life..if it were just me i'd be able to move without worrying or move on at least...but i can't just bring people into his life and then rip them out of it when shit doesn't work out.....and then again i ask...where do i go from here???????? do i stick it out a bit longer ( or is a year long enough??) how long should you wait for someone you love who says they love you to come to their senses...and if i leave...then do i look for a female...or a male..or just wait and see what just happens to happen and let it go...?? the hardest thing for me is to just let go and let god.......speaking of which i have church in the am so i'm off to get some sleep....
you laugh at my dreams..but i dream of your laugh......

janmecir 53M
158 posts
10/9/2005 2:39 am

Hi there
I think when the split between head and heart starts happening...when you're both doing 'i love her in my heart but.....'it's the beginning of the end.....and you might drag out the ending for months or years....and you want to hang on, can't imagine ever letting go.....but....the wise person in you probably already 'knows' what has to happen......And from how you describe it it seems like your lover is already leaving...... already leaving.....
Find the strength to see this through......

tamethytension 54M
2320 posts
10/9/2005 2:40 am

I wish I had the rights words to console and advise, but I fear I would only muck things up. Perhaps some girlfriends of mine will share a kindness or two.

Oh yes.... takes me about 2 years to come to my senses ... but then my heart never does.

take care


rm_saintlianna 45F
15466 posts
10/9/2005 4:51 am

I waited twelve years, complete waste of time. This why the prejudice in this country pisses me off so much, you cant help the way you feel and your sexual relationship effects no one else besides the two of you. I say if that is the only reason stay together and if people don't like it they can fucking lump it.

ps. My friend had the father sign over his parental rights in exchange for child support being dropped. Best thing she ever did. Just a thought.

rm_Network_Minx 47F
542 posts
10/9/2005 8:35 am

I don't have any answers for you since I have had my own issues with relationships. That is why we are all here on AdultFriendFinder. Know only that I empathize with you and that I understand what it is like to love someone who doesn't and won't love you the way that you need.

rm_1hotwahine 63F
21091 posts
10/9/2005 10:18 am

Some things are universally understood, regardless of sexual orientation, and I see some of those things in this situation.

You are more able to accept yourself than she is able to accept herself at this point in time. Maybe she'll eventually be able to, maybe not. The frustrating (and heart breaking) reality is that we do not have any control over that. Two years ago I was in a situation where I fell pretty deeply with someone who, ultimately, was not able to overcome issues about himself to find the courage to pursue a relationship between us. It hurts. No doubt about it.

But you know what? Life goes on. It really does. Time heals.

The tricky part is to not let the pain permanently harden or damage you, which would make it even more difficult to find love again.

Give yourself some time. Work on finding and strenthening other relationships in your life - friendships (new and old), family, etc. There is a lot of healing that comes from establishing warm and sincere rapport with others. Eventually, the answers will come.

I love that phrase "What doesn't kill us makes us stronger." Hang in there.

Yeah, I'm still [blog 1hotwahine]

frbnkslady 48F
6183 posts
10/9/2005 6:42 pm

I think if you have made into seniorhood without having your heart shredding you have got to be truely blessed. I cannot think of 1 person I know who has not. Time does heal, you can forgive, but you don't forget.
I know I waited 13 yrs for 1 man. I loved him. He was with another in Tx, I NY. And he never did. I even was married in between times. Which says nothing for me as a woman or a human being, as I can know look back and KNOW he was a rebound and I did NOT love him at all.
I fell in with him again after my divorce. But no no avail... So I moved.. across country...I now live in Alaska. I do not think of him to much as it makes me feel the worlds biggest idiot. I finally started to refuse his phone calls as he would do nothing but quiz me and make me feel guilty for moving away from him.
I am now learning how to be happy, but in same boat again. I have fallen in love with someone who does not love me back. But he has never promised me anything, never asked for anything in return. He did not ask for this. It is me.. and I accept it and the pain that goes with it. I do share his life as a friend and I cannot feel more blessed. Who knows what the future brings. But if it comes to it, I do love him enough to walk away from him. And only look back with nothing but fondness of him. And some sweet memories.
Enjoy your child, make a deal with the father to get complete, full, no fail custody...Raise him into a man you will be so proud of... T


onthefence3 35F
6 posts
10/9/2005 7:35 pm

thank you so much for the "snuggles" they are greatly appreciated and so is the advice

Synn74 42F
1206 posts
10/11/2005 4:11 pm

((( hugs girl)))
no advice but always willing to share a shoulder

I welcome you to the House of Syn...

rm_anacortes 74M
2850 posts
10/13/2005 4:38 pm

My response.. same as above (Synn74)

"Sacred" is gender neutral, I think.


omakohakgal 55F

11/11/2005 2:38 am

You have written about my life so fluently...ALL of you! ...perhaps the one true lesson that can be learned by any of this is that we are all fallible as human beings and ain't it great to be a feeling thing in this world of frauds and fakes?! I thank you and APPLAUD you your honesty and your genuine spirit of survival...for survive you'll survive for that boy you'll teach to become the man and human being that many never learn to be............hugs , kisses, and many prayers for you and your son.

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