I didn't suffer much at all! In memorium . .
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Apr 21, 2012 9:34 pm
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It's a long time ago, and I think it's time I shared about a lady, a mother of five, who deserves some recognition, even if only in the past.
She was married at the time, with at least one baby, having five children under about five years of age. Her husband worked at a good job, and she had a dishwasher. They were "happy". One day, it seems they went to a local hotel, and from there, she was "kidnapped", literally.
Let me share a touch about her. This lady was not tall at all. She was tiny in height. She was also rather cuddly in stature, and she loved a good miniskirt. She also liked her makeup to be brighter than bright. Add blonde hair, and a touch of a limp in her gait, and this is the lady who was kidnapped this day.
Her assailant deliberately chose the shortest, seemingly most vulnerable lady he could find to be his victim.
She didn't share how he managed to get her from there to another street quite a distance away. I don't think anyone knows. However once there, out in the street, he proceeded to her, not once, over and over, and he headed down this street, quite a distance, as he took her pretty much the length of the street to a railway station.
Yes, this story is horrific. The man dragged her by the hair, by her arm, by her leg, whichever part of her body was closest to his hand at the time, and proceeded to her over and over. I am not sure that he was fussy about what part was either.
The outcome for her was that she drifted in and out of consciousness during this incident. People did see what was happening, and heard her screams when she did scream. Nobody reported what was happening. All stayed behind closed doors.
Her ordeal lasted quite a while. As I heard this straight from her a few years later, I can only share what I know. I also happen to have read the newspaper story about this incident at the time it happened.
By the time he "dumped" her, and yes, basically left her for dead. Remember, I said she drifted in and out of consciousness? By the time he dumped her, her dress was covered in blood from above the waist to the hem. As this had to be tendered in evidence, a photo of the dress was shown in the newspaper.
She told me the offenders name, and I said "you're kidding!" She said no. I said, I know his sister, as I went to school with her. I said, I met her brother, this being the offender. His mother and sister warned me to stay away from him. They said he was strange, and could hurt me. I did see what he looked like, and had been quickly ushered away from where he was in the kitchen, where I had only just been. As a result my visit was short, and I never visited my friend's home again. I shared with the victim, how the sister was the nicest young girl/lady, and had the happiest sweetest nature. I was saying how I could not understand how her brother could be like that.
The victim said "don't you ever let him near me!" I said isn't he in jail? She said, yes, he's in jail, but he'll be out . .. I said oh, and I was a touch mortified, as I realised what a man like that could do once free again. That was horrifying.
It all gets worse. After this incident, no doubt she spent some time at the hospital, and eventually went home to her husband and children.
ONLY. .. . now, she didn't want to be touched, would jump if her husband touched her, didn't want sex, would shrink away, and over time, he lost patience, and he started her, as he had not had sex for so long. He even started beating her up! She loved her children, would do anything for them. She needed space, a chance to try and deal with what was happening, so she did the only thing she could do, left home. At the time she was estranged from her parents and at least one sibling, so she had no choice but to make her own way. She headed interstate, and of course not knowing people there, made her vulnerable again.
She headed somewhere one night, and a carload of young men picked her up, took her to a party, and gang banged her, and then dumped her somewhere, leaving her for dead.
She developed photo-sensitivity, became hyper-terrified, and would not go out in broad daylight. In time, she headed back towards her children, as she missed them, and wanted to see them. Only when she returned it got nasty. He went for custody of the children, blaming her for leaving them.
She had to deal with all of this, and around this time, she met me. She was smoking about four packets of fifty cigarettes per day. When she shared all of this with me, I was totally empathetic, as I had only recently suffered my first divorce and the dramas associated with that.
I was frustrated by her love of miniskirts. I was frustrated by her incredibly bright makeup, especially the lipstick, as I knew that by toning these things down, she could reduce the potential of being a victim again.
I also made a point of taking her out, anywhere that I could, so she could have a life too. Only I was recently married, and found it really hard to be there for her as time passed.
We did take her out fishing one day, and made a really fun day of it. She found that she could trust my new husband. It was hard to achieve, as she was photosensitive, and really terrified, even of going from where she lived to my car, and then back in, and meeting my husband. We did manage it, and on another occasion I even managed to take her out one night. She drank too much, and I felt she embarrassed herself by her behaviour, drawing a lot of attention to herself by being happy, and feeling safe with me there to both watch over her, and drive her home safely.
I did take her home, and after I went home, I shared with my new husband. I told him about what had happened, and how I found it so hard. Around this time I became pregnant, and kept in touch with her throughout my pregnancy, and for a while after the baby was born, only it was hard to be there for her. She'd ring me for up to four hours per day, sharing with me, chatting away, and over time that became harder.
One day I took my young baby with me and visited her, and we chatted lightly. I watched how she constantly smoked, those four packets a day of fifty! I watched how she wasn't eating properly, and saw that she was pretty much killing herself slowly. Having discussed the situation with my husband, this visit was with a purpose. This wasn't my first visit, as I had been there a few times previously. She asked to change my babies nappy when it needed changing. I understood and let her. We chatted about her whole situation, and I did my usual, asking her if there was anything she felt she could do to improve her situation, and probably made at least one suggestion, for her to look at. There was nothing she felt she could do, just she was trying to get accommodation much closer to her children. I agreed that this was a good idea, and the access thing etc. It was all quite sensible.
Then I shared with her, about how the new baby took up all my time, and I needed time to do housework, and was finding it hard to adapt to my new life. I shared how I could no longer take her four hour phone calls. I said I am really sorry. I have to stop seeing you. My life has changed since I met you. She said I understand and cried, as I ended up doing too, for her.
I didn't see her for a few years. Then one day I was at the local shopping centre and there she was. I was amazed. I was now separated from that new husband, so that's a few years between sightings. She was standing on a "ramp" above my level, as in about a metre away from me uphill. She was holding a two litre bottle of cordial, and we chatted, catching up a bit. I am not sure what was said. I just remember what happened, as it was so characteristic of her whole situation.
For some reason, she accidentally dropped her cordial, and the bottle broke on the floor, just "above" where she was standing, and the green cordial flowed between her legs along the ground, as if she had wet herself. Only she hadn't, and she just looked so pathetic, I almost felt like crying. It just was so representative of everything about her, like just no hope!
She immediately asked if I could spare two dollars to replace her cordial. I felt awful, so I gave it to her, said, I'm sorry, I just can't be there for you right now, and disappeared as fast as I could.
At a later time, I did look for her, finding her mother, and asking to make contact. Her mother gave me her phone number, and every now and then I'd get in touch or visit. Only by this stage, she was in and out of hospital, because she had developed a condition called pancreatitis, from when her husband had been hitting her in the stomach. In six months, she had been in and out of hospital over and over, and at one stage for three months. During one attack of pancreatitis, she had clinically died six times on the operating table, before they finally brought her back.
Of course she ended up staying for about six months this time, and only got to go home for a bit of time away from hospital. I started a touch of contact with her mother, and somehow, her mother organised for the children to visit their mother in hospital, and then one or two of them would stay at her place when she was home for a bit.
I think it was about three months later, she was allowed home one weekend, and they didn't make her go back to hospital this time, somewhere around Christmas. She still smoked like a chimney, and I visited with my son. I wished I had not taken him. She was sitting on the lounge, unable to open the front door, and her daughter had let me in. While I was there, she had a bucket, and was being sick into it while I was watching. She had a smoke, and just lived through the whole thing.
If ever I was depressed by a situation, this one dragged me right down. I think it was one of the worst situations I have ever experienced. It wasn't the sick. My children and others had been sick at various times. It wasn't the smoking. Others had smoked way too much. It was the way, she just kept smoking, just kept going as if there was nothing wrong, the way that things just looked so awfully pitiful all around her, the way it was always like there would never be a tomorrow. It was just her whole situation, and how she was slowly killing herself, and I knew it, and I knew not to say a thing.
Soon after, I tried to make contact again, as I had been very concerned that day. I could not get an answer to her front door. I couldn't get an answer on the phone, so in the end I tried her mother. Her mother said she was in the hospital, just around the corner from me. I rang there wanting to visit her there then, and was put onto the ward. There the nurse/sister who answered the phone asked me a few questions, and then she said, she has been in here for about five days. "I am sorry, she died this morning." I said "you're kidding!" I said "ok, I'll have to ring her mother, and find out when the funeral is on". She let me go.
I rang her mother, and found out about the funeral. I attended her funeral, and her children were all there, and they were crying so much. I am tearing up right now for them. I missed a tiny bit. I did ask the cause of death, expecting it to be pancreatitis. It was emphysemia, from her smoking, which I should have expected.
She had had so many things wrong with her as a result of the abuse she had suffered. Her children had not been seeing her, and before she died, all of her five children had seen her in some way, and I do mean visited her. One, perhaps her oldest, had had real difficulty being there for her, and at last he had seen her.
If you want to feel sad or sorry for someone, feel for this woman, and even more for her motherless young adult children, as they were pretty much young adults when she died.
If you want to remember, remember how her life was totally destroyed by literally one man, her first assailant. Until then her life had been normal, and this day her life was destroyed.
I am lucky, most of my really bad things happened in my youth. I have an old age to look forward to, because I have never given up. I don't want to give up. I want to live the old age, that I believe can be mine. I just have to be patient and trust that it will happen.
For me, I have felt that my road has been long and hard, only it has been easy compared to some.
And that is the way I see it.
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My Private Mailbag
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Mar 20, 2012 10:34 pm
1424 Views
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Hello, this is not a new idea, however the way I treat it is.
Please feel free to add your private comments here, or other personal communications. I will treat them with the courtesy that they deserve.
I left a comment on another blog recently, and I did notice that the owner of the blog replied to my comment there. He had respected the privacy of my comment, so it did not appear, as with the other comments left there.
However the comment made in reply to mine did show up. If you wish to receive a reply to the comment you leave here for me, please make sure that you set up a private mailbag on your blog for me to respond, so that my response is also private for your eyes only. Otherwise, you can expect that I may not reply.
Now should a comment of mine, that I left believing it to be private, show up as public, I will withdraw my comment from that blog, whether the owner has seen it or not, and am not likely to leave any further comments unless I feel that it's ok if they show up as public.
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My Body, and Scars
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Oct 6, 2011 4:10 pm
3891 Views
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Wow! I have a body that is all mine. It does things that I have no idea as to how it does them. It can heal a wound, or make a fingernail grow. I might know the technical stuff, but I can't make the fingernail grow or the wound heal. It can make me feel fantastic, or awful. It all depends on how I treat it.
I only have one body, and as time passes, it will age, so I treat it with love and respect. I nourish it with really healthy foods, exercise it, maybe even sexercise it (great fun when that happens), cleanse it, pay attention to various parts, such as my eyes, teeth, hair, nails, feet, and give it lots of love and attention as I feel the need.
In the past, my body has been abused by a small group of individuals, and even if there are scars, they are not visible to the average person. I do love my scars, because they are part of my body, and remind me, of how wonderful my body has been surviving what was done to it, and healing, with only a scar to remind me.
So next time you feel abused, remember, your body helped you through it, and has the survival manual, if you can just help it along with the right nourishment, rest, fresh air, water, exercise and foods. Remember also that your brain needs nourishment, as in getting adequate rest, and not constant abuse as you use it to punish yourself for what has already happened.
I do love myself, because if I don't, nobody else will.
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What value do you place on a life?
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Jan 5, 2012 11:08 pm
2574 Views
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It's all relative as they say.
If it's a poisonous spider, stomp, or splat.
If it's a pesky fly, splat!
When it's a cockroach, yuk! Bye!
A mossie (mosquito), no way! You're not giving me a disease if I can help it! Splat!!
At present, most days, I go outside to the fish pond, and watch a bunch of really beautiful goldfish of various colours, and they are not eating fish, and if anything happens to them, I get very upset, as if they were my loved animals. Some people think I am a bit nuts if that happens.
While I was out there, a few times, I noticed a really fat "fish" also with a tail, really long tail, feeding with the rest of the goldfish, only I did not buy this one, and I looked closer. I had just discovered that there are these gorgeous frogs in the pond, and I think they are the rare ones, so I watched.
In the water I was looking at these creatures that were about five cm, nearly two inches long, without their tail, and outside the water, I only saw one or two frogs that big, however a number of tiny frogs about three cm from nose to bottom. They are so cute. I have taken photos, and emailed an expert, in case they are rare.
When two of the large "fish" joined my bought fish eating, I realised that they were tadpoles. I was a bit surprised at their size, as they compare with the goldfish in size, much the same size.
I find that even though I am not at all a frog person, not wanting to touch them if I did not have to, finding them slimy and yuk! to touch, I still care about them, and feel that they are life, in a way that I didn't in the past. I look at them in appreciation, feeling that like me they are alive, like the fish also. I just seem to love that each one of them is life, and so enjoy watching them these days.
Now other lives. We don't hesitate to have a dog destroyed if it bites someone. We want our oldies to be able to choose whether they have to continue living and have massive debates over euthanasia.
A lot of our human culture seems to be about killing. Some cultures feel that they earn "pennies in heaven" if they kill lots of people not of their own faith, especially if they die in the process. Other cultures also feel that death in the name of war, or even worse, disease or injury, and usually not mild injury, but long term, painful severe type injuries are all valid.
Back home, in society, there are those that have watched blood thirsty movies over the years, and find a gun has the answer. If he points a gun at me, I'll kill him, and far worse.
Everywhere we turn, it seems to be ok that death happens, or other gruesome events, to people all around us.
Then the question must be asked: What is a life worth???
If I have pure energy inside me, and that is my living spirit, then I can only assume that all biological life forms also have that same energy in a greater or lesser form, so they are all just as alive as I am, and so if I value my life, then I must re-evaluate my concept of kill before being killed, or kill before being affected, as with flies, mosquitoes, and other similar life forms.
If I don't want to be indiscriminately killed, then how can I just go out and kill? for any reason????
Suddenly life takes on a whole new meaning. If I value my life, then I must value other lives, if only in the way I kill, only I think that if I want to live a long and peaceful life, then I must make an effort to support other life forms, whether I appreciate them or not. We don't go out and kill that person who just really annoys the living daylights out of us, so why would we kill someone of another nationality, when they might just happen to be nicer than anyone we know? They might not be too! Just thought I'd add that.
I think that I have made my point. In this modern, clever world, there are still some who place no value on life as such, and they are few indeed. For most of us, we do place some value on the lives close to us, only I do ask you the question:
What value do you place on a life? I ask you because I take incredible delight watching these frogs emerge after about twenty minutes of really still and silent waiting, and then they are finally there, and so cute. They barely move, only, I see watching them as a privilege, not a right, so that makes it special. No, I do not want to touch them, have difficulty handling lizards.
I do let "daddy long leg" spiders live, and have managed to let at least a small number of them crawl over my hand, and that was not easy.
I am far from perfect, as I swat flies, mosquitoes, spiders and some cockroaches, although I often catch them and just put them outside, easy with a large mouthed take away container. My question is mostly related to humans, only if you value the life of a small animal, and I tend to love birds also, how much more would you value the life of another human?
Yes, I know they are weird looking creatures, with little or no hair, occasionally covered in it, very rarely. animals tend to be so much prettier with lovely fur or hide, and humans are just long legged gangly things a lot like giraffes. Even spiders seem to be so much more aesthetically pleasing with their balanced number of eight legs, set in four neat pairs along their bodies, and bodies that sort of match their heads in shape. All seem far more attractive than humans, with pock marks on some, scars, droopy wrinkles as they age.
I mean if every human has some value, (and sometimes I see no value in one of them) and they do. Some are there for the rest of us to nurture, as their value is in their loved ones, needing them. Some are wise, and have lots for us to learn. Others provide services for us every day, and others do things that we never want to have to do ourselves, like police officers, fire fighters, sanitary officers. Without each one of these, human society would not function well. Some have really low hygiene standards, others excessively high. Some eat their food raw, and others could not eat anything raw. The diversity of humans is amazing, and most of us would have a problem with at least one type somewhere. I suspect that is just normal. All are still human, and yes, some of us would argue that for reasons that we would feel are justified.
Back to the question, how much is a life worth? Then how much is a human life worth?
Please consider.
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My survival secrets/ why I am not yet dead
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Jan 6, 2012 3:19 am
2497 Views
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Hello, here I am listing seventeen things, that I have used to help me heal, and that's why I am still alive, as without them, I would never have made it. Yes, I did use all seventeen in my healing journey, and I will share with you on each. Without them, I would not be here today.
love your pain, it tells you that you are alive: I have mentioned this in another blog. I was told this after my car crash while I was suffering incredible seat belt pain. I had no idea it was possible to suffer like this, yet I had already had back pain for seventeen years at one time, and sciatic pain en masse after childbirth, so I knew horrific pain in some fashion already. When the seatbelt pain faded, I discovered why it had been said, as I kept wondering if I was really alive, no people around me, an unfamiliar home, not my pets, not my possessions, eerie, and nobody I could really talk to most of the time.
enjoy the bad times: This has also been mentioned in another blog, as without the bad times, you can't have good times. The first time we hear it, it's hard to stomach, only once we think about it, it slowly comes together.
one door closes, another opens: I love this, and it's really worth taking in, as it helps when all seems lost. Life really does tend to bring a new horizon whenever an old one is gone. One just needs to feel this is so, to allow it to happen naturally.
take time to smell the roses: I learned this quite a while ago before my dramas, so I knew to look around me here in my new environment, and see the good things about it, and just feel them and their presence, so I could feel better. In the case of roses, a lovely scent to stimulate the happy senses.
tomorrow will be a better day: if today was so terrible, and you know "Storms never last", and tomorrow must be a better day. It only stands to reason. If you go through bad after bad after bad, it stands to reason that the bad must come to an end and good times replace it, so it just makes sense to trust this will happen.
do absolutely nothing: I was told "when in doubt, do nothing". If you are not sure, why do something you will regret late? It's better to stop, take some time, it's ok, if you were going to die, you'd be dead already, so take the time, assess the situation as to what you feel is the safest risk and go for it. I didn't actually include this for that reason. I did include "do nothing" for the purpose of just taking a real break from everything, just sitting, lying in bed, on the grass, sand or concrete, whichever, and just stopping, if possible clearing your mind, and doing nothing, until you feel a bit better, or you feel if you stay still a moment longer you will rot, whichever works for you.
add a healthy food, bless it before eating it: This is two things again. Add a healthy food, if you are in pain, go to the shop, maybe the health food shop, or look online, and find a food that will relieve your pain, maybe a herb, or chocolate? If you have another issue, find several foods that could be used, and add at least one of them to your diet. Don't be afraid, normal people don't overeat. When you add a new food, you usually eat a bit less of one you don't really need as much as you have been eating, unless you haven't been eating enough. The second point, bless your food before eating it is: Sit down in a comfortable place to eat, look at your food, and meditate on it for a moment or a few just taking in it's appeal to your palate and taste buds. Allow your mouth to water a touch, and either pray blessings into it, or if you are like me, sit there and aloud or silently say something like: I bless this food with my love to nourish and sustain my body. You can use your own words, whatever you feel good about. This comes from a japanese photographer who has photographed water from all kinds of places, and even the murkiest water seemed to take on a beauty in his photos after blessing it. We don't know this is true, we are merely told this is true, however it has felt positive and healing for me.
breathe clean air: think about the quality of the air you breathe. Asthma is caused partly by poor quality air, in the sense that there are allergens that irritate the asthmatic in the air. If the allergens are removed in this person's home, it gives them "time out", a chance to recuperate and possibly develop tolerance when they are out in the world. This has worked for my allergies. In my case I run an air filter 24/7 in my home. I also use an air conditioner if I feel I can both afford to, and if it's not too cold to use it. If you put clean air into your body, it also helps your body to deal with the other stresses of life, as it's not trying to deal with polluted air. You can't always control what is out there in the world, however you can control some of your personal environment, so it might be worth the effort.
drink clean water, bless your water before you drink it: We have almost covered this already in air and food, as the principles are the same. If you can find a way, filter your water somehow, and you don't have to use a commercial filter if you feel it's expensive. There are other ways, which if you look for, you are likely to find. Again, bless your water before you drink it, to nourish and stimulate your body into good health, and they say you can taste the difference. I think it does taste a touch nicer.
do some exercise, anything that you want to: this sounds very broad, and the reason is that after dramas, some of us lose any interest in anything we ever loved to do. I really didn't want to live at all, because I wasn't where I wanted to be, so I had to work on positives, and not wanting to go for a walk in a strange area, not wanting to do this, that or the other, limited what I would actually do, so I had to go for anything I was prepared to do, and that was pretty much nothing. Yes, that's how bad it was, so I just had to find my new way. I tried to do my tai-chi. I had forgotten all of ten years! I had loved that so much, and now it was gone. I didn't want to do it the way this new school did it. I wanted to do it the way I was taught, only what I didn't know was that my memory must have had such a bad jolt that I was remembering it absolutely wrong. It was weird, just as I was at that time. In the end, I would go outside and walk around the yard, or walk to the post office sometimes, not always, to get a touch of exercise. Besides that, I'd look for some kind of work around home that would give me exercise. This gives you an idea of how emotionally damaged I was, if you are normal, as you know this was very, very limited. However I did expend a lot of energy on crying and sobbing, so maybe it wasn't all that bad after all. Then there was something else at that time, which I will mention shortly. After a few years, I was desperate for a new form of survival, so I went to the doctor's and acquired the medicine to give up smoking. That was an incredible journey, which I did survive because I just kept adding extra water to my diet to make up for the medicine that would otherwise damage my kidneys badly. Then I did some research for a piece of exercise equipment that I liked, in my case the "ab pro", and no, this is not an ad, as for you it might be one of those bench press things, or a bicycle, or absolutely anything else. We are all different. I still love my exercise gizmo, and that was what was important, that I wanted it and to do it, and I have never not wanted to use it. That was my secret, that I actually wanted to use it, and still do. At one stage before I bought that, I was also taking my dog in the car to one or two places, just every now and then, and walking with her, which was nice just sometimes.
if it works for you, sexercise is great for you, with someone you feel good about only: This is pretty much self-explanatory. If you have what some call a "fuck buddy", then yes, it's a great method of relief, however if as in my case, you really don't know what disease this one or that one might have when you randomly meet strangers, and end up going where you were not planning to go with them, then maybe total abstinence could be a really good thing. In my case, I have pretty much always had a lot of respect for my sexual health, so I never deliberately went there. Only when you meet people randomly in a new place, sometimes as a woman you seem to not have control over their behaviour, and you end up in situations you did not plan at all. For me, it was better to go home until I had some kind of control over what was going to or not going to happen.
Now I need to mention something here. Two years after the really bad dramas, there is a risk of yep, ok, let's just say at this time, it might be worth having someone you can have a bit of private fun with to relieve your tension and keep you alive, just a thought. I did go there, only I did take a huge risk, at the time figuring that the risk was less than the potential, and I was lucky, in my case it worked, only it would be better not to do that, as one might not be so lucky.
protect yourself from the weather, from bad people, from whatever you need to: This is a bit general, as to keep you young, it's clever to protect your skin from the weather, hat, perhaps sunscreen or long sleeved and long legged clothes, whichever works easiest for you. Even a good make-up can protect from the sun, as some women know if they use it. Protecting yourself from bad people, hmm, depends, maybe you want bad people around your for other reasons. No, seriously, if there are people you feel you need to steer clear of, then, shut them out, lock them out, bar them, do whatever you need to do to keep them out of your life within reason, and if there is anything else you need to protect yourself from, do it. Once you start feeling safe, you will heal a lot quicker and better than if you feel unsafe. Nobody can protect you from random crimes in bad neighbourhoods. You can do a lot to make yourself safer, make yourself feel safer, and even reduce your risk of being the next "victim" including not acting like a victim.
talk to someone who cares: Make a point of making contact with at least one person, if not several, every day, who actually seem/s to care, and if you don't feel they care, look elsewhere, or if you can't find someone new, put up with a bit rather than have nobody. Over time, try to develop a number of resources so that if this one is not available, there is that one or another, so that over time, you rebuild your personal resource network, and feel that you have people in your life that you value. Work on your ability to communicate with them also, so that over time your communication skills improve and this will help at least a touch in having people around you who are there for you in some way.
find someone to for you to help in some way if you can: There is a saying that when you help others, you help yourself, and I know that for me that is true, only perhaps not when you are devastated. At this time, perhaps the only way is solo. Once things don't feel quite that bad, by being there for other people, you see that they have their issues, and maybe yours aren't so bad. That is the big thing, as it puts your issues into a kind of perspective where you can decide that your issues aren't that bad for whatever reason, even if it's just that they are over, and others are still suffering. It's not meant in a callous way, as in survival mode, sometimes extremes are needed.
do only what you want, at any time: This sounds silly, only when you are so damaged that you feel like you can't move, and all you seem to ever do is sob, then sob some more, it starts to sound really sensible to do nothing except what you really want to do at any time. For a while housework will suffer, and other things too, only over time you will find that you perhaps don't like the mess around you, so you will work on cleaning it up, and that is how you need to be to survive, until you do survive and heal. Easy.
do something for you, and when that's done, do something else for you: This is in a similar vein to doing only what you want, only now, you try to do at least one thing every day for yourself. At the beginning of your healing journey, it might be no more than make sure you have regular meals, and/or feed your pets every day, until you are able to deal with more. It's ok if that's all you can manage, as if you allow yourself to live in this damaged space until you are ready to move forward, you will allow yourself to get to the point where you can move forwards, so that is what I had to do. As time progresses, you get to a point where it might be sew a button on that shirt, or start keeping a plant to help filter your air some more. As it needs watering every day, this is a touch of a challenge, a bit like having a pet. Each challenge is another success when you meet it, so it's all good. Over time the challenges will become greater. It took me a year to trim my trees, and then it took one day to do them again. Umm, they have grown a lot since then so it might take more than a day again. Just work with you at your pace.
make every moment count: This sounds really hard, only it's not meant that way. Count every moment as it passes on your healing journey, and you will be amazed at how time does pass. I didn't do this early on, and it all seemed to take forever, only now, looking back, I don't really remember it like it was any more, as in I don't suffer it like I did. Back then it was all so painful, and it felt as if I would never heal. I mean, how do you move beyond crying painful sobs, and I mean really painful, causing chest pain, and interfering with your breathing, up to five times a day, between five minutes and three hours each time??? Do the sums, some days this means fifteen hours of crying. Then every time someone says something nice, the tears just return, and you are not in control. So now I say, make every moment count? How? Remember earlier it was enjoy the bad times? Enjoy the crying. Look at it as soul cleansing. Find a positive in every bad moment, that makes the moment worth living.
So yes, when someone said, it looks like you are enjoying your dramas, and bad times, they were right, because that's exactly what I was trying to do, and if they thought it looked like I was doing that, then I was succeeding. I did keep thinking this is only bad now, and even though I cannot see a tomorrow, it will come. I just have to be patient, to wait until it does happen. It will happen.
Now here is a little recipe for working out, ok, how long does this have to last for? Not much fun this, but better than nothing. I looked around me, at what I knew about life. I asked myself how long will it take to get over the car crash? Well others can take years, and some never get over it. So that was my measure. Ok. Then there were the other dramas, so I looked at each and how long it could take to get over them. I didn't like the negative potential, as it was pretty much stay damaged for the rest of my life. I didn't want that, and so I had to find a time that would work for me. I decided that this one would take about seven years, yep, that one too, and probably each one would take around seven years if it were the only thing that had gone wrong. Only I had eight major issues, three of them pretty major. You could say I added a year for each pretty major dramas and came to the ten year thing, only that's not quite right. I just sort of shuffled it all in my head, and came up with the ten years thing for me. I asked myself if I was sure it would be long enough and my thoughts were that I am going to lose ten years of my life healing, and I don't want it to take that long, as I will be old by then. Hmmm. Then I asked myself, could I do it any faster? The answer I found was "get real, how?" Nope, I'd need the whole ten years, and if I was lucky, I'd be over it all by then, so I did set out on my healing journey. I did make every moment count, crying if you like with 'gusto', only it wasn't that, it was that if I allowed myself to just cry, there had to come a time when I'd be over it, and that's what I was aiming for, so while others would think that I was just yeah right, no, I was working towards a goal.
Today on the way to nine years after it all, I am sort of happy with my progress. I just wish I were further down my healing road. I want to be further down, only I can see that I am not. You are not talking about just anyone here. I was a Psychology student. I was someone who knew a bit about these kinds of things, maybe not an expert, just someone who was learning about things related to exactly what I suffered. I am a lot younger than I expected, and then I just look at my diet and I know why. I have eaten some of the healthiest foods, including some herbs, and a lot of grains recently, and then there are all the usual things, including prunes, the home made yoghurt and fruit.
So there you have my recipe for survival. It wasn't easy at all, and lots of perseverance along my journey. I had a reason to survive. I want to be there for my grandchildren. I have already missed out on being there for the first of my grandchildren, and in my case that is five of them. I want to be there and whole for the rest of them, so that I can be their special grandparent, and give them at least some of what I am.
Wow this took a long time, and a lot. I really need to go. I won't be back for a few days, as I have things to do. I sort of wonder if I had to write this for other reasons. I am not going there. I do hope to be back here soon.
Until then, I do wish those that care all the best.
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My take on bi-polar/ what some call manic depression.
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May 19, 2012 3:25 am
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A few years ago, I met someone who was bi-polar. Like most, he denied it, although he had been diagnosed. He attempted suicide at least once, on which occasion he ended up in the psych ward, and being assessed.
He refused to take medication, so I watched his behaviour over a period of time, trying to work out how to help him survive those times when he was on a low.
One day, he rang me, and by the end I had said (in total frustration) "we need to work out what sets your downers off". He told me he'd have to have a think about that, and I thought, oh dear, I have blown it.
Prior to that, I had said words to this effect: You know, when you're on a high, you believe that you can do anything, and if you go for a job, you usually get it, because you believe in yourself, and sell yourself really well. Only when you're like that, you believe that you are "God", (as in superior to everyone, including the boss) and won't listen to anyone or do anything that is suggested to you. That's why when you're like that, I don't usually stay on the phone, and hang up really quickly. Then you head for a downer, and while you were on a high, it was easy to get the job. Once you head into a downer, it's much easier to talk to you because you go into almost a female mode, of "I don't know what to do", and you happily listen to any suggestions and even try them. Only on a downer, you can be so low that you feel worthless, and there is a risk that you will take your life. That worries me, which is why I have been trying to work out what triggers your downers. Then when you go back on a high again, you are so superior that you end up losing your job. Sometimes on a downer you lose your job too, because you feel so incapable.
He heard all of this, and when I mentioned the losing your job, he cried. I was a touch blown away, as I was not ready for this reaction. In between the tears, he said "you don't know what it's like to lose over twenty five jobs!" I was astonished. I knew he had lost a few jobs, had never really thought about how many he might have lost.
As I said, he finished the phone call by telling me he'd have to think about it, and I did let him go with concern, wondering if I had not totally ruined everything.
About a week later we were back on the phone. I asked how he was, and he said: good thank you. Then he continued to share how he had thought about what we had said. He said that when he sees that he is starting to go down, he goes to bed and has a sleep for a while. I was astounded, so I asked him, "and how do you feel when you wake up?" He said that he felt better. I asked "do you feel this really works?" He said yes, he feels so much better. I was astounded, and I thought about how he had mentioned working incredibly long days, with only about five hours sleep per night, and how that always set his downers off. He shared how he worked late evenings sometimes, and that was fine, only by the time it was over, when it was so late, it would set him off. At this stage, I was hearing, and not really registering, as it just seemed so incredible.
Today that man has a regular job, has kept it for a long time, perhaps a few years, and any time he has felt he wasn't handling things, he remembered that he didn't do well if he had a lack of sleep, so when situations arose, he'd make sure that he shut any negatives out, and headed for sleep until he was better.
He has been in touch with me a few times, and I think he has really gained control.
Please do not misunderstand me, everyone is a little different. This solution seems to be working for quite a few people, just there are still some who it will not work for, because their condition is not due to sleep deprivation. It is however a positive, as preventing a suicide in anyone is positive for them and those who care about them.
If this helps your friend, that will be delightful. If it doesn't, then that will be sad, as these people need understanding. Just there is so much more to bi-polar than this, as there seem to be a number of facets to the disorder, that have nothing to do with the part of things that I have mentioned.
I am aware that there are bi-polar sufferers, who have really grand delusions, and will go out just to "fuck". I am not judging them, only expressing what I know. I have been told by the wife of one, that they will go out and if they can, they will happily "fuck" over thirty different people, male/female, no matter, in one night of debauchery, and then go home to their wife as if nothing had happened. She shared that she found out by accident, and this does raise issues, that those of us who are more cautious are aware.
Another sufferer of bi-polar, shared with me, about his nights out, and he basically said similar, only he said that he would drink to extreme excess, and if he could get his hands on substances, he'd take anything he could get his hands on. I was mortified by what he revealed, and then he shared that he'd try to take any girl home that he could, get up to as much as possible with as many females as possible. He also shared that a lot of his achievements with women were in his mind only. By this time, I wasn't dealing with what he had shared too well at all. Only it was an honour that he trusted me enough to share all of this with me.
He was quite sincere when he shared all of this, as at this time he was under control on medication, and I had known him in those times before he had taken medication. It was so sad, as for the sake of giving him a somewhat "normal" life, all his creativity and artistic nature was destroyed, or if you like shut down.
He may have been a fruit-loop while he was sick, only his artistic output was incredible, and then when he went on medication, yes, he was no longer a danger to himself and others, just he also lost his artistic streak to the point that his artworks now were incredibly muted and colourless, and plain, so to speak.
In any situation, there are answers that work for some, and don't work for others, only with these disorders, scientists are still developing their understanding of them, as they have various facets and shades, and everyone being different, one person will behave or react in a completely different way to another suffering what the professionals see as the same disorder. That makes it hard for the layman, and even for those trying to study or learn about these things.
I wrote most of this in a comment on another blog, and felt that there are those who would benefit from reading it, so I decided to copy my comment to my blog, and therefore share it with others who might benefit from it.
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I am absent at present.
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May 7, 2012 9:32 pm
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It seems I hurt myself when I did tree trimming and chainsawing.
I have been in some kind of pain ever since, only the other day I couldn't move very well at all when I awoke. Then the next day my whole body was sort of frozen, only it wasn't from the cold, just frozen as in immobile when I awoke, so I rang someone up.
To cut a long story short, I am in constant pain, and the doctor said it's a torn muscle, so I have to be very patient. I had money to buy wood, only the person I was buying it off, said that load was for someone else, and I had other expenses that I took care of. Now I don't have the wood I need to survive, so I just don't light the fire. Maybe next payday, there will be wood for me, and maybe by then I won't be in so much pain. . . a lot of maybes.
In the meantime, I need to rest, and yes, it's painful sitting here, so knowing me, I will visit despite the pain, only sometimes, not much.
I have no idea as to what is more urgent, registering my truck, repairing/replacing the chainsaw, buying wood, no idea anymore, as it's all urgent, then there's buying the motorscooter, and becoming licensed, and that costs too, and my car is going for so little that there won't be enough for all of that. I will be lucky if I get some of it done, as mechanics find things that we never knew could go wrong, wrong with our vehicles.
I am going. This is making me sad, and it's important that I stay positive to survive and to heal more than anything, so I will go, and I will watch a few movies to take my mind off things, and worry about whatever whenever.
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A bit of a joke. . .
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May 6, 2012 3:54 am
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My friend told me last night that he had a dream.
In it he was eating a big marshmallow.
When he awoke, he found half his pillow missing!
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I am in awe.
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May 4, 2012 8:05 am
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Sometimes I just can't do better than someone else's post, so I log out, which is how I feel today.
I just read a post that is so beautiful, that I am asking myself all sorts of questions about the author.
There are few people in this world who are really up there, and then again, some just appear "up there", while others really are. It all makes me wonder, in the nicest way, and that's good, as in some other places, I feel all hope is lost, and that's life.
We can't have everything we want. We can't have everyone we want in our lives. In fact, some who we value so much, are ever absent, and it hurts, and the only thing to do, is enjoy the memories, and be glad that they touched our lives.
I am thankful that certain people touched my life. My heart breaks so much that they are gone, and I will never see them again. I do care about them, just as I care about those in my life.
I am thankful that there are people who value me enough to ring out of the blue after a year or three, and just stun me that they are thinking of me, and do have good memories of me, as I sort of thought they were gone for good.
I am not only thankful for these people, I am really blown away, never thinking I would ever hear from them again, so it's so nice to get that phone call out of the blue.
I might never ever have wealth of a great fortune, however I will always be rich in so many other ways, that if I ever am stupid enough to regret not having fortune, then I will indeed be a fool. But then the best of us are the greatest fools. Maybe that's what makes us great, the fact that we really are incredible fools.
Sorry if that's a bit too deep for some. Sometimes I find it hard to express what I am feeling, and when that happens, I can say things that are a bit out there for some.
Ok, now it's very late, and I have been busy cursing my no longer working chainsaw, and doing other things while I try to gain control of my life. I am not sure I will ever have any kind of control over my life. It's just too full of things to do, and I don't mean the wonderful travel and visit type things. I do mean the boring every day things that when you rely on your skills to survive, are vital.
I am not sure I could live like the rest of the world ever again. I just seem to have entered this world where every day I do things that nobody else would do, not wonderful things like helping out a charity, nope, things like fixing this, that and the other, and somewhere in between trying to do a touch of housework, only I never succeed at that anymore, too busy doing "men's work" around the place.
On that note I will finish this blog, so that I keep the tone of it the same as it started, in awe of others, and their wonderful ways.
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..happy to be me right now . .
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May 2, 2012 5:09 am
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... I am happy to be me . .
Today I did something to make me feel that touch more secure, and I am really happy that I did it, as it really does make me feel just a bit more secure. More than anything, it makes me feel better, and that is far more important than whether I am actually more secure than before... I feel more secure... and that counts for far more.
Don't you like it when you feel safe?
Yesterday the chainsaw failed, and that bothered me, as I really wanted to achieve a lot more than I had done. It's not so bad anymore though, because I feel that I have finished all the basic learning. Now I feel that what I need is staying power, and practise.
Of course I also need a chainsaw that works, only right now, that is not possible. Life is like that.
Just when you think you have it all solved, another problem arises.
. . .and now for a different direction . . .
I have said this once before, only I say a lot in my blogs, so it might be easy to miss this:
A long time ago at school, I'd "love a boy". You know, like girls do. Then one day he'd say something or do something, and next thing I didn't love him anymore. Instead I loved that boy! I loved the new boy so much that sometimes it would hurt! Do you remember those days? Next thing he did something, like pick his nose, or a new boy came along, and I'd be in love with this other one. I could never love another like I was in love with this boy. I had never ever been so in love with anyone as I was with this boy, and he didn't even know I existed!!! ... as often happens in childhood.
So I grew a bit older, and I met this one, then that one, and now it tended to be a two way street, and if it wasn't, I just wasn't interested. More often than not, he'd be interested, and I just wasn't, only there were plenty that were interested, and it wasn't long before someone worthwhile would turn up.
Each "new love" was stronger than the last, greater than the last, and each time I loved a new young man, I loved him more than I had ever loved anyone ever before, and could never ever love anyone like that again.
Then it didn't work out, was over, and that was that.
I'd feel so fickle, as I found someone new. There were times when I could not understand how I could possibly have feelings for someone new. The way I had felt about him was so great!
Now you are wondering if I am for real. Only what does happen, is that the more you love, the greater your capacity to love becomes.
So while I was feeling fickle, it wasn't the issue at all. The issues were very different.
Like the young men, I was young, immature, and still had a lot of learning to do. While I was at a certain stage, I'd attract a certain type of male, and as I changed, or he matured before me, we'd outgrow each other, and we would end up moving on.
I think this tends to happen a lot in youth, and it takes something special between two people to stay together through the various stages, partly dedication, partly commitment, only I feel that without an incredible bond of some kind, plus a real love for each other, it's not possible.
In fact, I feel that there are so many negatives when it comes to a couples ability to stay together.
Perhaps the great thing is that the more you love, the more you can love, so while a few years back you merely cared about someone, now you might have a really powerful love for them, or you may have moved on to find a new love that you never ever thought possible.
To me that ability to love more than before may be because as we age, we attract people more like ourselves, and we learn lessons along the way, so that those we get closer to are people we actually want to get closer to, and as a result if love is the outcome, it will be a stronger more wonderful love.
Only a thought, and perhaps worth considering.
.. oh, there's something you might have to take into consideration here. This is coming from someone who has lost everything, not once, not twice, but a number of times. For someone like me, even though I do value my home and my various possessions, they are only things, as they can be destroyed or taken away just like that, and if you are not prepared, it can be really devastating. It's not that I can easily lose everything. Each time, it's still devastating, just my attitude is easier, as I know that my possessions are not what makes me.
When some of us have lost everything over and over, we develop a love for people, for ourselves, for our personal skills in every area, and it no longer matters what certain others think, only what we feel about ourselves, and perhaps what a select few say to us, as we know that they are caring people like ourselves, and therefore deserve their place in our lives.
Perhaps this is why I get told, that I make friends easily, and when I feel that I have lost people, I am told, you will be fine, just be patient, they will come back, and then next thing I know people from the past find me and get in touch, and remind me that there are people who do value me out there. I just forget sometimes when I am in my dramas.
Now about those dramas, it's easy to feel like "I am the only one who suffers!" Only this is not true. Life is full of dramas and problems and issues, and if there aren't any problems or issues or dramas in our lives, then either we aren't living, or we are living in seclusion, away from the rest of the world. Those who are away from these things are indeed lucky, because for the rest of us life is full of constant challenges, and maybe someone is right, maybe I am much more healed than I realise at present.
I just don't feel that healed yet, find I do a lot wrong, and have real concerns about my ability to live out there in the real world yet.
Ok, I have said plenty once again, and can only hope it's all good for you.
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I and Myself!
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Apr 30, 2012 7:07 pm
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Sometimes I get so upset with Myself, that I threaten to move out!
Then I think, who would I cuddle up to at night if I didn't have Myself anymore?
I think, who would I blame, if I didn't blame Myself?
I think, who would I trust to stand by me no matter what, if I didn't trust Myself?
So then, I wonder how I could possibly ever leave Myself behind!
....and I end up staying and putting up with Myself!
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Oversensitive?
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Apr 28, 2012 6:40 pm
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Are you hypersensitive? I am.
The least thing can upset me. That's just the way I am at present, and life has brought me to this point. Being aware of it, I can look at situations, and ask myself what was actually meant in that situation, and work out whether I was right to be all upset. Most times, I find that I became upset for no reason, and that helps me get over it.
Then there is hypersensitive to certain people.
During the last few years of my second marriage, I was incredibly hypersensitive to my then husband. The reason? We had been married for a long time, and somehow, my psyche had developed expectations, that I was totally unaware of. He'd say something, totally harmless, meant just as a comment. I'd take it as a criticism, and get really upset. He also reacted badly to totally innocent comments from me.
Because both of us seemed to develop this real sensitivity to each other, I noticed, and started to look at what might be going on.
You could say it was a combination of things, caused by many years of being together, and relying on each other for whatever it was that we relied on each other for. I am not going to in the direction of dependant/co-dependant/interdependent. We were married, and when you are married, if one of you is doing the dishes, the other needs to either dry them or go shopping, or mow lawns, or something else that needs doing. That's common sense.
He relied on me to bath the children and put them to bed, so while I was doing that, I relied on him to cook and wash up. We negotiated these tasks, and I thought I was getting the good end of the stick. For some reason he thought he was getting the good end of the stick, so we were both happy in our roles. We also relied on the other to fulfil that role, or we'd be stuck with doing it. I relied on him going to work, and he relied on me doing housework, shopping, budgeting, paying bills, and getting it right. We had a system that I am not going to reveal, so that he could "check up" on me, although it had nothing to do with checking up. It was about ensuring that we had a kind of equality financially. On very rare occasions he'd ask me what I had done. I'd tell him, and he would say "fair enough". Sometimes I'd also ask him what he had done, because I had planned something and the funds weren't there. It would be "ok, that explains it".
After all those years, we trusted each other to do what was expected of us. If something was said about us, I think it was a case of doesn't the other one trust us? Only once I started examining what was said, firstly by me to him, and I knew that I was not trying to offend him in any way. I was just stating things as they were, or if you like, as I saw them. I'd see his reaction, and I'd say something to the effect of no, it wasn't meant that way. I only meant...
When I started reacting to what he was saying, I was aware that he had reacted to things I had said, and that I had reacted to things that he had said, and so I asked myself, ok, what did he actually say? Then I'd ask myself, what did he mean by that? Then I'd ask myself if this was actually what he meant, or whether I was misunderstanding.
What I found was, that even though what he said was innocent, a comment, or a statement, I was taking things as criticisms, because for some reason I was incredibly sensitive to what he said.
Nobody else could upset me in the same way. If he said, "you're looking a touch pale today", it would be what do you mean by that? why are you picking on me? . . . .blah blah. Yet, if anyone else had said it, I'd take it to mean I was looking a bit pale! When he said it, I was taking it to mean, "you should have done something to make yourself look your normal colour, not all washed out like you look right now!" Yet he had said nothing of the sort, and that was happening with both of us, an incredible hypersensitivity!
Once I became aware of that, I realised that I had to be very careful what I said to him, and then if he reacted badly, to be very careful to resolve the issue, right there and then, and not let it be misunderstood and as a result taken to heart and then become a festering emotional sore.
In the same way, I had to look at what he said to me, if I felt upset, and look at what it actually meant, or if you like, how I'd react if someone else had said it, and what I would understand if someone else had said it, and then look at the situation and how he had said it, and what he had actually meant, not what I took it to mean. Once I did that, I wasn't upset anymore.
So life progressed in this fashion from this time on.
Since then, I have found that when I cared about a particular man, this situation arose very quickly, and I was amazed. However I also knew how much I cared about this particular man, and I knew that I just had to work harder to make sure things didn't get out of hand, only they did, because I wasn't very together at this time, being after my dramas.
I know that I have reacted in a similar way to "friends" in recent times, and I have had to look at myself and what is going on.
Unfortunately, I have been at a time of life, when one overreacts, misunderstands, and a host of other stupid things, that become extremely embarrassing if anyone says anything about our behaviour. I do hope it passes before too long, as it can be quite distressing to watch myself behave in what I consider childish ways.
So, I am hypersensitive. I do hope for your sake, you are not, as it's not the greatest condition. How do you stay friends with people you have trusted, if you overreact to what they say or do, and as a result become alienated? This is very good reason to sometimes let go, rather than hold a grudge. It just makes things easier, when you end up not knowing if you should be upset or not.
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