A desperate little girl...{cont.}  

ohsodelicious 57F
1747 posts
5/27/2006 7:55 pm

Last Read:
8/15/2006 8:45 pm

A desperate little girl...{cont.}

I’m not really sure when ‘it’ all started or how everything, in my little world, spiraled so out of control... No let me rephrase that...I don’t know why my own Mother caused my world to spiral out of control...to turn it upside down. To cause a little girl to become so desperate for her Mother’s Love.

Did everything escalate out of control after her divorce from my step-father...even though I have been told by my aunts’ that there were signs of mistreatment from both of them, while they were married. The fortunate thing about being so young at that time...is I really don’t remember...don’t really want to remember!!

As I was growing-up we were constantly moving...to the best of my knowledge we lived in at least 13 different places within a ten year time frame...and the most pathetic thing is...that this number does not even include the times she left us with relatives...for months...even up to a year or more...at a time. My mothers’ involvement in our lives was like a revolving door...there one minute...gone the next...When I was young, I never knew where my mother went or why she left us...

Rest assured...she always made up for lost time!! When she came back, into our lives. You know what...to this day...I still do not understand why my mother directed all her anger and hostility towards me...only me! I mean I did have an older sister...but I believe she learned at an early age...to become virtually invisible; when my mother was on a rampage. Because...unfortunately...my mother did not ‘spank’ she tended to BEAT!! And when she would beat me...she would grab anything within reach...kitchen utensils, belts, shoes, sticks, hairbrushes...whatever she could find 'in the heat of the moment'...the oddest thing she ever took to me was a Hotwheels race track section...that stung like hell!! I’ll tell you something...I learned early on...that my mother got some kind of pleasure or whatever...when I screamed and cried....begging her to stop. I learned this the hard way...by trying not to cry...and she taught me very quickly and viciously...it was in my best interest to cry and plead. The most memorable of these lessons... my mother was beating me with a hairbrush, of all things. She was not pleased that I was not crying...so she moved down to the back of my legs {I had shorts on} with the bristles...toward my legs...she hit me ‘Repeatedly’ so hard that I had perfect red bristle imprints...from my lower back, to my buttocks, down the back of my legs, to the back of my knees. Real harsh lesson...but I caught on fast! {sadly shaking head}

The physical abuse was horrendous...it was awful to live through such treatment...and I would not wish this on any child...But...it was the Verbal and Mental abuse...I was subjected to...at the hands of my mother...that cut the deepest, that caused the most pain, that caused the most damage and produced scars that have lasted a lifetime.

Names...Names...Names... she loved to call names...for the most part...I could handle the names...but she had some favorite phrases...that she used on a regular basis...that would cut me to the core!! The names really are not worth repeating...but I’ll repeat a few of her favorite phrases...that she constantly bombarded me with... You make me sick...I can’t stand you...You’re disgusting...Your so stupid...I wish I had not had you...If I didn't have you...

Even with everything my mother put me through...I was still so ‘desperate’ for my Mother’s Love!!

Sorry!! For being so long winded....I’ll give ya’ll a break!!


goodguysneedit2 56M

5/28/2006 7:45 am

Oh So... you continue to very brave in discussing the pain.

Did you did get my email for the book recommendation?... because I feel certain your mother was either Borderline or Narcissistic (disordered)

I hope you have cleared as many of those messages from her out of your head the best you can... I know they often remain to be a struggle...the pain, the desire for positive recognition.

You are saying something that needs said, however. Even more so...HEARD and listened to...long ago.

Bless ya Oh-So... you're beautiful.

-G'Guy


HBowt2 58F

5/28/2006 5:02 pm

I love the pic....identify with it....and as for your mum....well forgive me for saying it but she was one hell of a bitch....to beat a child like that...and as for the name calling...unexcusable....I'm sorry for the child in you that had to endure this lack of love....but I know you can love you now....so hold you tight and kisses and hugs...HB2xxx


ohsodelicious 57F
1922 posts
5/28/2006 8:21 pm

    Quoting goodguysneedit2:
    Oh So... you continue to very brave in discussing the pain.

    Did you did get my email for the book recommendation?... because I feel certain your mother was either Borderline or Narcissistic (disordered)

    I hope you have cleared as many of those messages from her out of your head the best you can... I know they often remain to be a struggle...the pain, the desire for positive recognition.

    You are saying something that needs said, however. Even more so...HEARD and listened to...long ago.

    Bless ya Oh-So... you're beautiful.

    -G'Guy
G’Guy Yes I did get your email and ‘Thanks’ for the recommendation...I still haven’t had the opportunity to check it out though. I get the impression you have a vested 'personal' interest per sa...is this a subject you have witnessed first hand...I'm not trying to pry...just curious!! All you have to say is it's none of my business

Oh! I have worked through all the venom she doled out...but it was a long hard road...believe you me!! How hard a road will be addressed in future posts.

Like I said in my previous post...you can eventually forgive...which I realized was vital for 'me' to move on with the healing process...but you will never forget!!

Thanks!!

Kisses...OhSo{=}


ohsodelicious 57F
1922 posts
5/28/2006 8:45 pm

    Quoting HBowt2:
    I love the pic....identify with it....and as for your mum....well forgive me for saying it but she was one hell of a bitch....to beat a child like that...and as for the name calling...unexcusable....I'm sorry for the child in you that had to endure this lack of love....but I know you can love you now....so hold you tight and kisses and hugs...HB2xxx
HB...I can totally relate to the picture also...and there is no reason to be forgiven...I know she was a bitch and the unfortunate fact...she still is...but she has no power/control over my life now. I think one of my Mothers' main problems was/is...she was/is never 'Happy' never satisfied...never content with her life. And you can bet your sweet bippy...what my mother put me through is totally unacceptable...inexcusable...but I did learn some valuable lessons...the hard way...How not to Treat My Child!! Even at his worst {when some parents would have turned their backs} he always knew I loved him!! Must be that concept of 'unconditional love'...something my mother had no clue about.

Grateful Hugs...OhSo{=}


goodguysneedit2 56M

5/28/2006 11:47 pm

Yes..Oh-So. you would be correct in my vested interest and time on this topic.

A certain woman had a rather profound effect upon me not terribly long ago,and I became very, very confused and sucked-up into an agony I couldn't understand. In trying to figure out my own pain--I believe I discovered a lot about her own. I studied, rather passionately,to uncover and discover some of my own issues--while studying and learing about those of others.
This led to spending about 2 1/2 years, utilizing my knowledge, and discovering even more about myself while participating in several online support groups, involving abuse, personality disorders, with both victims and perps. I came to understand a great amount of why people behave as they do, make the choices they do, and how it effects themselves and all around them.
I look forward to your future postings on this, because I know (without being told such) that your mother's treatment of you has had an effect upon the relationships you sought with others in your life.
So..I'm very curious to see where you take this next.

Big hugs..
-G'Guy


ohsodelicious replies on 5/29/2006 10:50 pm:
G’Guy{=} I did get the distinct impression that, in some way you were personally involve on some level. I’m sorry you were subjected to such pain and confusion. But, it is apparent you took a very painful situation...searched out information and educated yourself...which in-turn enabled you to understand your own issues, as well as those of others.

This is an assumption on my part, of course, but the woman you referred to...was she a survivor? Was she subjected to the same type of treatment; that she subjected you to...at some point in her life. As a child, maybe...but she has not yet worked through those issues...curious minds!

You have indeed ‘hit the nail on the head’ because my mother's treatment did indeed have a profound effect on many aspects of my life. Fortunately, thankfully, gratefully as a young adult I realized I was on a fast track to destruction...it was a long painful journey getting to that point, in my life. But...I made it!!

Hugs...OhSo{=}

MOfunNOWWOW 55F

5/29/2006 5:35 am

I KNOW you are ohso strong BUT I KNOW you cry many tears. Are you still watching for the crumb to drop on the floor to scramble for it? Is the peach colored handle of the brush with it's black bristles forever burnt in your mind? Still tring to figure what you can do to make her proud?

I know. Hugging you sister and you are ohso brave to write this and ohso strong to still be walking. You were raised by a monster. Most folks have mothers. Not your fault. MOLOVE to ya{=}


MOMO
just a squirrel trying to get a nut


ohsodelicious 57F
1922 posts
5/29/2006 10:53 pm

    Quoting MOfunNOWWOW:
    I KNOW you are ohso strong BUT I KNOW you cry many tears. Are you still watching for the crumb to drop on the floor to scramble for it? Is the peach colored handle of the brush with it's black bristles forever burnt in your mind? Still tring to figure what you can do to make her proud?

    I know. Hugging you sister and you are ohso brave to write this and ohso strong to still be walking. You were raised by a monster. Most folks have mothers. Not your fault. MOLOVE to ya{=}
MO...OMG!! It sounds as though you were standing in my shoes...I had to learn how to be strong just to survive!! Just as I know you had to be strong to survive also!! You can bet I have shed many tears...and yes still do...every time I read about or hear about the atrocities...so-called loving parents {relatives or trusted friends} inflict upon helpless children.

In all actuality, my strength, my courage has been inspired by reading your blog, lusty’s blog and all the other bloggers that have had the courage to share their stories. So I have garnered my strength...from the strength of others. Thanks for being the OhSowonderful Mowoman you are

MOlove...OhSo{=}


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