One the Subject of Being Bed Buddies  

noordinarychic2 48F
510 posts
3/26/2006 3:41 am

Last Read:
3/27/2006 12:13 pm

One the Subject of Being Bed Buddies

So I warn you upfront that this is a bit of philosophically laced blog.........I was reminded again last night of why it is that I am not going the "bed buddy" route. I got a late late (thanks for the puffy eyes night phone call from a friend of mine whose "bed buddy" of a few months was off pursuing "ms. right"....aka he had a date. Its amazing how something got lost in translation. She was devestated. He felt it was fine since after all there were no was only sex. Now...after their initial meeting, that was the premise on which they started sleeping together but after three months of never ending sex (her words) and the words "bed buddy" never being mentioned again...guess what? As is almost always the case....she "assumed" they were exclusive and dating......WRONG! He had never stopped looking and was still in ...."she's some good sex on a sat night and nothing more" mode. Now before you go to the old cliche "well you know what happens when you assume" -- lets examine the evidence. Why wouldn't she assume they were a couple? From the outside we all assumed they were a couple (i did). One was rarely seen without the other. They did almost every "couple" thing....movies/dinner/outings....even she admits that rarely a night was spent apart.....If they weren't at work...they were with each other,...and the sex -- again her words "earth shattering: --Bottome line women get attached....especially where their bodies are have this amazing ability to compartmentalize their lives included. So remember guys...when your thinking "wow...that was one awesome blow job....I have got to have another"...and you call and continue a one nighter into a two or three and more....the woman....probably thinking "wow...he likes me...he called....we;re going out again!".......lost in translation-a heartache in the making.

juslookin4u06 55M
1 post
3/26/2006 5:51 am

Wow thats the downside of this process....thats why it is so important to be totally honest about your wants and needs here....You so right women are seeking attachment and men are comfortable with separation...honest communication is the only way to merge those very different perspectives....I too see the destruction of hearts and find it difficult to understand why we take such a great opportunity to be open honest and free with each other and create a mess....Its really not hard ..we just need to speak in truths..not for others..for ourselves...that way there can find matches that either agree and want to engage or disagree and move on....just say what you want...what you need....and what you're willing to accept...then you can only get mad at yourself..

rm_remodman3 49M
128 posts
3/26/2006 12:59 pm

I agree with justlookn,
this is an area we have to be brutally honest.
"I want to have sex with you." or
"I'm hoping a relationship can come out of this."
Either way, let the person you are interested in make their own "informed decision"
No means No
There are no maybe's.

MildOne20109 50M
17 posts
3/26/2006 8:00 pm

I think that the honesty has to come from both sides of the equation for things to turn out good for all parties involved. One thing that I have learned the hard way is that women can be just as decieving as men can when it comes to love and sex. The one big difference is that most guys won't tell you that their heart has just been broken. The keep a stiff upper lip and take it like a man come in to play.
But that is not the point.
One thing that we all must do is to communicate where both parties are in their relationship. This can be hard to do because it scares the hell out of someone that is just going along for the ride until a better set of wheels comes along. I guess this should be a clue to us all, that if the person that your dating can't communicate their feelings to you, your heading for some big problems. So, please both of you check in with each other to make sure you are both reading from the same page. And if the other person does not tell you what you want to hear, it is not always a bad thing. If you tell someone what you want from the relationship and they don't want the same thing, do not try and convince them otherwise. They will only make the same decision at sometime down the road, probably after you have invested your heart into the relationship that you thought you had.

sassybelle21 32F
13313 posts
3/27/2006 12:18 am

I am not the kind of person who assume things when it comes to matters of the heart regardless of time spent and frequency in being together etc. Those things don't mean much to a guy. Most guys just want the sex and use the ladies till they find a real girlfriend. I feel sorry for your friend but I suppose that's a lesson for her and a reminder to all other ladies including myself. In the long run, she's better off without him.

fndsinva 50M

3/27/2006 12:48 am

I am sure that what your friend is going through gets repeated all the time by members on this site; from members of both sexes. I would say that communication is the issue, but from the "evidence", it does appear that he was somewhat misleading. If you are going to be "bed buddies" or a friend with benefits, then you should not be spending every day, or night together. Someone is going to get the wrong idea. I read in another post the other day some advice that a woman received from her mother. It was something to the effect of a woman should stay with a man who loves her, as a woman will grow to love a man but a man who is in love will stay with them forever. It sounded good to me at first, but now the more I think about it, the more I realize that depends on the person, not the sex of the person. It sounds to me like your friend was growing VERY attached to this man while he was having his cake and eating it too (excuse the play on words lol). In my opinion, you are doing the smart thing and not starting a relationship based on sex. It is my experience that those do not last; one of the parties involved will eventually begin to think they may have made a mistake. At least that is my experience. I wish the best of luck to both of them, and to you in your search.

midwestboy1972 44M  
663 posts
3/27/2006 4:10 am

"The opinions expressed here are not necessarily the author's."

Just wanted to give that warning. I think from a guys standpoint, if we get into a "bed buddy" situation, unless it's expressly spelled out, it remains that way. The reason he was spending a lot of time with her is because he was bored and lonely and she was there. I'm not saying it's right, but men basically still live in caves and unless you beat us over the head with it, we're not going to see it!

Become a member to create a blog