On the Subject of the Past  

noordinarychic2 48F
510 posts
5/15/2006 7:14 am

Last Read:
5/31/2006 10:33 pm

On the Subject of the Past

Many of us walk around with suitcases full of guilt, resentment, and anger over our past. Whether it be that past relationship that shattered your heart or the parent who never quite got that loving your child meant through the good times and the bad...we all have them. Guilt over things we've done or words we left unspoken, resentment over the times when life just didn't go our way and anger over things that people did to us. In my case I often laugh that not only do i carry these suitcases around but often i stop along the way....wallow in the past and all its hurts and then pick up some rocks and fill the suitcases cause they just aren't heavy enough. Lately though...much like my quest to be a buff babe (lol)...i've been trying to empty the luggage out one by one and put them down....it gets exhausting hauling all that shit around for 37 years. I've discovered along the way that forgiveness is often not a two way street and facing how one REALLY feels about a particular event is one tough thing.....but the mental and emotionally rewards-- tremendous! So one example for those of you that are at this point thinking "damn she's on another one of her philosophical kicks--i wish she'd get back to writing about being horny, squirting or which toy she used this am.... LOL ".......So my example.....I was adopted. My mother was told that she would never have children...medically impossible.....so after eight years of marriage (now in the 60's eight years without a child was unheard of)....they adopted me...sight unseen...straight from the hospital....As life would have it...three years later...guess what? Oh yeah....she got pregnant. And the "miracle child" was born. My entire life I've heard what a miracle my brother was...a gift from God...a little boy who should have never existed but obviously was hear for a purpose. Now imagine a little girl in her room listening to this her entire childhood.....get the picture? and I fed it...every time my brother got something I didn't....well obviously it was because I was the spare child that was no longer needed. As a teenager I would read things into words my parents would say....often in anger mind you over some stupid stunt I had pulled.....Now I do still firmly believe that some of this was based in reality.....we were raised in the church and I once heard my mom thanking god for her son.....her daughter- me- never mentioned. Now...if you go to her house you would know she had a son....pictures of him and his family are everywhere...but you'd never know she had a daughter....I pointed out to her awhile back that not one single picture is anywhere in that house of me ....NOT ONE. I explained all of that to tell you that love and forgiveness only takes one....one person...one heart.... one voice.....mine. I have made a conscious choice to admit that "gee my mom is human. She's made some mistakes. She hurt me. " but guess what? I took her emotionally issues as my own. I added fuel to the blaze inside my soul. I collected giant bolders and filled my soul up with "my parents don't love me...they never wanted me..." rejection rejection rejection. So I've taken it upon myself to forgive my mother...I went to her and asked her forgiveness for things that i had done or said and told her how i had felt all my life...gave her a picture of me that i had framed....and told her that unconditionally I forgive her. Now our relationship has not magically turned into the "good housekeeping" version of a mother and a daughter but I'm working on it...I'm not getting much help from her but you know what? doesn't matter.....I've done my part....and i love her...unconditionally, without reservation or judgement...simply because she is my mother....And so one suitcase gets emptied and tossed in the landfill of my past....and another is selected and currently being emptied..... (men of course...lol) but the lesson is that we can only do our part....listen to your heart...it will tell you what that is......i love you mom.....NOC2

rm_imtheone42 74M
485 posts
5/15/2006 8:00 am

It seems to me you have it figured out. It`s not up to your Mom whether you are happy or not. It`s only up to you.

sexyariesgirl 57F

5/15/2006 11:54 am

WOW!!!!!!!!!!!! Are you sure we don't know each other??? Except for being adopted you could be talking about ME! And the suitcases full of the past?? Yep I have SEVERAL of those! I too tend to spend a lot of time adding to the load rather than lightening it. This post spoke volumes to me!!!!!!! Thank you.

Power To FOK

fndsinva 50M

5/15/2006 4:43 pm

You and I really need to talk.
Any chance of doing that this week?
Name the place and time.

midwestboy1972 44M  
663 posts
5/16/2006 5:56 am

Hey sweetie, it's good to have you back! I see the hits just keep rolling for you Thanks for the advice on my last post. I had something come up today that I couldn't get away from. Her and I had a long talk about regrets and she's going to go forward with it. It kind of ties into your post because I just believe that all life is precious, not just life born inside you. All babies are miracles, no matter whose loins they jump out of! I think the problem is that parents suck! It's great that you made peace with them, but I can say from my own personal upbringing that I watched my sister go through what you went through, maybe not to the same extreme, but it was hard on her. Her and I are not adopted, but I'm two years older. I was the star athlete. I got the better grades. I had the better friends. I wanted to go to college. The fact is, my sister had a lot more athletic ability than I could have dreamed of, but my parents invested all their time in me so she didn't care to use it. She also got into the wrong crowd in high school and started using drugs! No one paid any attention to her! Now, she's a wonderful mother and gave my parents a grandchild so now she's the one garnering all the attention! Sweetie, my point is that what goes around comes around. You obviously have a good head on your shoulders and are well-loved! Something shaped those things! Hell, you are definitely well-loved on this site Boys hitting on you left and right. Anyway, have a wonderful day! I'm glad your back!

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