Unconditional Love  

no_strings_grrl 44F
270 posts
6/6/2005 10:20 pm

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

Unconditional Love


In my post "I miss you blue eyes", CuddlybutHorny made a great comment:

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"Wow. Now that's a problem. Unfortunately sex and love are so intertwined in the human psyche that one always has the potential to mess up the other. I am by no means an expert but I'm afraid your heart is going to have to take the brunt on this one. If you go back to her, there are 2 things that could happen. 1) Things will be the same as before and you will be miserable everytime she's with somebody else. 2) She will agree to monogomy but then she'll be miserable which will make you miserable.

I feel for you grrl. I hope you can find a way to get over her. All the luck in the world."

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To CuddlybutHorny: You summed it up right there. You are absolutely right, I know this. I am quite the logical minded woman, and I know these are the two options. Pretty clear what needs to be done, right?

Then why does my heart soar and my sun shine just to sit next to this woman, to catch her eyes and see that she's looking for something in mine, too. To touch is to tremble, and to hold one another takes both our breath away. I've had girlfriends and I've been very, very sad when its over. But how do you walk away from the ONE person in this world holding the flame that warms your weary soul?

I consider myself a very fortunate woman. My parents love and support me, I have a couple of close friends I can share most anything with - and having even one is truly a gift. But in life and love, I have seen my share of hurt, and my battered heart is tired and angry. I have been betrayed by lover and friend...I have made sacred vows that, with time, have withered and blown away with the wind...I have watched helplessly as the love of my life slipped through my fingers and died right before my eyes.

I am a young 32 years old, but I have loved a few extraordinary women in my days. Each one touching my life in a way that shapes who I become as I live and grow. Its true, for every door that closes behind you, another one opens in front of you. But what if you're moving through darkness...what if the draft from every door extinguishes a single candle on your candleabra? The light becomes dimmer and dimmer, and suddenly you realize - you've run through so many doors so quickly that out of 12, only 2 or 3 candles are left burning.

I don't feel a lot of light inside me these days, I haven't for a while. I've been doing a lot of running, searching, finding and losing faith and hope. There are very few people that I have ever wanted to have in my life, and in my home, every single day. She is one of them. There is a purity, an honesty about her. She is quiet and observant. She is kind, gentle, thoughtful, and more generous than anyone I've ever known. She is sexy and smart, she can put an alternator on her own damn Dodge pick-up, thank you very much. She works hard at her job, she loves and cares for her cats as though they were her children, and she never prejudges anyone, no matter who inserts their opinion. She might wash my clothes or my car, just because. She is beautiful and feminine. She is independent and strong willed. She is never, ever mean - when she is sober.

She self-medicates with alcohol, and alcohol can turn her into a troubled, angry, self-destructive and aggressive person. She often can't stop once she gets started, even in public and around friends, loved ones and co-workers...and I am often embarrassed for her. She is sometimes a danger to herself. She provokes me to hit her or hurt her somehow when she drinks heavily, saying she deserves to be beaten. She deserves it for continuing to sleep with my cousin and others even when she knew it was hurting me. She sometimes says she hates herself for how she is and she doesn't deserve to be loved. She only says things like that and acts that way when she's drunk. But she likes to drink, has no desire to quit drinking, and feels I'm trying to change or control her by trying to get her to slow down or quit. She doesn't want to listen when I try to tell her how she is, how she looks, how mean she gets when she's that drunk. Her response completely averts the issue and she says, "Then why do you want to be with me at all?" Its kind of ironic...she always said her ex-husband was in denial about 'his' alcoholism.

She is a scared little girl who grew up way too fucking fast and is terrified to ever let love in again.

And she is the woman that I love.

Somebody tell me how to turn that love off.

Somebody tell me how to walk away from her when she's standing at the door crying, not wanting me to go.

CuddlybutHorny
29 posts
6/8/2005 9:05 pm

There are no easy answers to this. Love doesn't turn off that easy. I know. I wish I had easy answers but the human heart is not that simple. I feel for you. You have bared your soul for us and I hope things will work out better for you. If you just need someone to listen, keep posting and I'll be here for you.


Philosophy_N_Sex 49M/47F

6/9/2005 8:00 pm

HUmmm I do not believe in no win situations.

Myself Having managed to not become the fourth generation of alcoholics. Knowing how alcoholic behave she can not truely love anyone including herself until she stops the booze.

You have a choice to make tolerate this behavior and be miserable. Or walk away now. Or try and see if you can get her to fight the addiction. There are many organizations that can help, but the battle is ultimatly up to her to win.

I do have compassion for you and your situation. You have our respect and best wishes.
if you ever need to rant or blow off steam you can shoot an email our way too.


no_strings_grrl 44F

6/10/2005 8:28 am

Thank you.


Apolybear 54M

6/10/2005 8:38 pm

Cuddly is right, there’s no easy answers. What do you do when the person you love is on a destructive path?

I faced a similar issue with my son. His alcohol abuse made him a Jeckle and Hyde. One minute our wonderful son and the next, an angry abusive stranger. We tried to help him with professional intervention, but to no avail. We finally had to tell him we couldn’t have him in our lives anymore which was the most painful thing we’ve ever had to do.

The bottom line is: if a person is determined to follow a destructive path, only they can decide not to. This leaves you with a hard choice. Do you put up with Jeckle, just to be with Hyde occasionally? Or, do you move on with your life and start the grieving process? Only you and your heart know the answer. I wish you the best. Apolybear.

FYI: My son got into a 12 step program and he’s been sober for about six months. We’re keeping our fingers crossed.


no_strings_grrl 44F

6/10/2005 9:37 pm

I wish you and your family the best Apolybear. My heart goes out to you.

XOXOXO


HughJarse2000 47M

6/11/2005 12:52 am

Hey Strings - How are we today ? You are a very funny girl in your post to others on AdultFriendFinder . Really like having you here x

Now - I have commented on your blog before , so you know my heart goes out to you for the place you find yourself. With your loving commitment to someone who can not commit and will not change.

I was just wondering if you always know how to get what you want ? Not saying spoilt, lovey. Just saying do you usually win ? Have you learned that persistence pays off ? See, one reason that this situation is hurting you so much (2c) is the way the ego gets trampled when you give yourself to someone , offer yourself up , with real honest true love and they don't respond and don't give back (adequately).

Honestly - my advice. Tell yourself that at some point in the future you can love this person again - maybe as a friend in months to come. But right now you must leave. You are being drained. You are being emptied. And you may even be being used. Please protect yourself better than this. What if this senario damages your future hopes and dreams for real love. You have someone stuck in your head. You are in love with who you know they can be. But they actually can't be that right now, and maybe never will be. It's awful. I've been in this olace. Walk away. You won't find a happy place with this woman cluttering up your head.
You know the facts.
What would you be telling a friend of yours if they came to you with this stuff ? ? ?
Yep - get out while you still have yourself to love.

Hugh


no_strings_grrl 44F

6/11/2005 8:35 pm

You know that I know you're right Hugh. I mean, its really quite obvious. And you're exactly right about my always getting what I wanted in my past relationships. At least in terms of having a partner who wants what I want - a long term, committed relationship. I mean nobody gets their way all the time, but this truly is the first time in my life that I've thought things were one way, when in fact they were not that way at all.

I don't have a crystal ball or anything, but when it comes to women, I've never had any doubts that who I was with truly loved me. And Blue Eyes loves me too, I know that. But I've never come across a woman who loves me and tells me she is in love with me, but doesn't want commitment. This has been a first for me, and has been a very jagged pill to swallow, indeed. Call me a hopeless romantic, but apparently I thought that what we felt for one another was so strong, so real, that in the end everything would be OK. I was wrong.

She commented in my post "I miss you blue eyes". You know, its funny. Its been over a month since I left and I have poured my heart out to her and finally to you. But she never wrote me an email or a letter telling me what she really feels. She decides to tell me these things in a comment to my blog. It almost seemed like less of an effort to open up to ME and really communicate, and more of an attempt to file a formal response to the readers of my blog.

But I'm taking your advice and hers. I have to make the break. And I will. I do hope we can be friends in the future - I don't wish any ill will toward her at all.

Now - if I just didn't live RIGHT BESIDE Rodney - the back-stabbing S.O.B. I call my cousin. I can stay away from HER, get my mind off of things, and move on as far as that goes. But how do you forget the anger and move on when you have to see him, hear him, or hear about him every fucking day?

Deep down I know the answer to that one too.

Thank you for checking in with me. You help me so much more than you know...

XOXOXOXOXO


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