|Blogs > no_strings_grrl > Don't dream it. Be it.|
You were my reason for getting up in the morning. You still are. You never asked to be, I know. But I have to find a new reason.
From the day we first met, we have spent almost all of that time living together, and have rarely spent more than a day apart. We broke up 3 months ago, yet still thoughts of you continuously invade my mind. I am rotting on the vine, paralyzed by my inability to stop grieving over the loss of the life we had.
My inability to adapt and step up since leaving Kansas has disappointed me tremendously. I know now that I never truly grieved for Donna’s death, and that my codependent cycle has swallowed yet another relationship. I am terrified to lose you because then, the only person I have to wake up with each day is the girl in the mirror - and she and I do not get along well. Its obvious that I have to figure out why, and fix THAT relationship to break the cycle.
You know that old 60’s song:
“… but how can we be friends, when seeing you only breaks my heart again.”
To see you every day is to long to be by you, every evening that follows. Knowing that you lay your head down every night just a stones throw away from me, is almost more than I can bare. You are the first thing I think of when I wake, and the last thing I think of as I fall asleep. Here, in Harper Valley, I am surrounded by reminders. They loom large over me and I their weight is intense. I’ve dug myself quite a pit this time. I am a shell of myself, and I am tired and jaded. Its funny, I used to be obsessed with being the best at what I did, now I struggle just to appear normal ‒ whatever the fuck that is.
I need to revive, reevaluate, and refocus. Its time for me to go. Time to get busy living, or get busy dying. And I’ve decided to live. I love you with all I have in me, and I will miss you more than you will ever know.
8/13/2005 9:21 pm
One day at a time NSG one day at a time.|
I know this is one of those things that will not pass, and this hurt will always be apart of you. THe joy this person gave you will also live inside you. You can keep that alive by giving back to toehrs what your love gave to you.
You are not hiding your head in the sand, and are now moving to meet what you know to be faults head on. You are braver than 90% of the pople out there.
Best wishes always
8/14/2005 7:13 pm
"Though nothing can bring back the hour
Of splendour in the grass, of glory in the flower;
We will grieve not, rather find
Strength in what remains behind."
S'io credesse che mia risposta fosse
A persona che mai tornasse al mondo,
Questa fiamma staria senza piu scosse.
Ma perciocche giammai di questo fondo
Non torno vivo alcun, s'i'odo il vero,
Senza tema d'infamia ti rispondo.
8/15/2005 8:31 am
NSG I wrote this very recently in a similar experience|
I can feel it still
as it was
slicing down the middle of me
carrying parts of me away
I can feel it still
I can feel it now as it was then
bubbling up and over and flowing through me in a molten rush
burning and cutting
slicing an aching gap
gutting and stealing my heart,
just taking, grabbing, ripping with its fire
I felt it
I can feel it still
I can hear you as I heard you then
I can feel my roots being ripped
My world being tumbled
My light being snuffed
My guts quaking like hot mud
My vision being melted hot
nothing to stop the pain
nothing to stop the gushing
until it was finished, emptied of itself
deep the core, the marrow,
deep the lava she rose, deep, from deep
spilling over on top of me
burning and cutting through
earth forming and shaping earth
gutting this beautiful hollow
The space to be filled,
with what I don’t know
only that I will go on
and risk again.
Sometimes the pain seems overwhelming and sometimes I am not there. But "There is a light" it may bot be where you think or even at the Frankenstein place, but it is there. Keep walking and talking and taking risks and "look out baby you'll be kicking ass again"
8/15/2005 12:21 pm
My GOD !!!! |
Do I have to get round there and slap you myself !!!!!?????
Thought we were through this Sugar !? Tell me it was just a bad day !? Too much to drink !? PMT !?
Come on . You can do this. Leave it in the past. Embrace something new.
(so sorry that you are still hurting so much for this love lost. Really. x x x)
8/25/2005 12:26 am
You can't really smile until you shed some tears.....|
You can't really love until you lose your greatest love...
8/25/2005 6:20 am
Oi Missy !!|
You wanna have a damn good reason for being gone this long.
If you are sitting in that closet under the stairs again I'm gonna bring down some whoppee on your arse !!
9/1/2005 12:27 am
The reason to get up in the morning is: You.|
The reason should only be you and no one else but, you.
You are your best friend.
I will always love you and be here for you anytime you want.