I miss you blue eyes  

no_strings_grrl 44F
270 posts
6/1/2005 8:17 pm

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

I miss you blue eyes

To those of you who do not know me, this is my story.

Two years ago I fell in love with someone I met on AdultFriendFinder, who fell in love with me as well. The problem? She still enjoys casual sex with others and does not want a monogamous relationship. Well, fucking great.

The part that has me stumped? I know she loves me. Treats me very, very well. Never lied to me. Never deceived or betrayed me. But she simply does not want a commitment. I didn't either at first, but I fell hard. She tried the monogamous thing with me, but began to feel that its really a control issue. Is it?

So I find myself questioning the very nature and validity of the human desire to be monogamous and find a mate for life. What if everything else about the relationship is great? What if you know in your heart that she only wants to live with you and share her life with you, but will continue to share her body with others whenever she feels so inclined?

The thought of someone else touching her the way I do when we make love makes me want to vomit. WHY??? I found myself spiralling into paranoia, always wondering who she was on the phone with. I know she'll always come home to me. As a matter of fact, I am the the only person who can consistently bring her to orgasm. But she simply enjoys being fucked by a man occasionally - which is something I can never be for her.

So what is the real issue here? Am I simply insecure about the fact that I can't be everything to her, sexually? Can anyone ever be everything to someone sexually? Am I really just trying to control her? The love we have is real - very, very real. We can hardly even be around one another without trembling and tearing up.

She misses me terribly and I can't begin to describe the void in my life since I left. Can I ever learn to live with her need for multiple partners? If I try to live with it, am I lying to myself? Will resentment poison the relationship the way it has so far? I wonder sometimes if I should try to embrace her for the wonderful, caring, loving, generous, honest and beautiful woman that she is and let her play when she wants to play. But how do you stop a reaction as involuntary as the sickening, gut-wrenching feeling I get when I think of her fucking someone else?

She encouraged me to and I tried playing with others myself while we were together - you know, to level the playing field. I always ended up feeling sick and disappointed and wishing I was with her. The fact is NO ONE ON EARTH can make me feel the way she does when she touches me. Because my heart belongs to Judy.

Now I'm a pretty strong minded woman. I have always been faithful to ALL the women I've been with in the past. And I have always prided myself on knowing exactly what I want and need from a relationship. I AM NOT WISHY WASHY - NEVER HAVE BEEN. This kind of thing has never happended to me before, and I honest to God have no fucking clue what I should do.

We built a life together. A custom van...5 cats...nice, big house...lots of CDs...many wonderful, irreplaceable memories. She lives 4 miles from where I live now, and I can think of nothing else but whether I have made the right decision or I have fucked up. I've never known anyone like her before and I truly believe she would stay with me for many years.


If I go back to her, will I be disregarding my own needs and desires in order to keep a life partner that simply wants something different than I do?

If I don't go back to her, am I losing someone who truly loves me and accepts me simply because I am too insecure about my own inadequacies to allow her to play?

I have to move forward soon, one way or another or I'll drive myself insane. Maybe its too late...

I would really appreciate your thoughts on this. It sounds pathetic, but my life truly hangs in the balance.

LimesMastsAvoid 70M
456 posts
6/2/2005 5:11 am

Giving someone all your love is never an
assurance that they'll love you back.
Don't expect love in return; just wait
for it to grow in their heart
but if it doesn't, be content it grew in yours.

Make peace with youself, and saddle up...John Wayne

teachhotnique 52M

6/2/2005 5:54 am

Some of us who are in monogamous relationships look for more. I'm heterosexually married and since my brother and his wife started "swinging" we've had the discussion about multiple partners.

While you have a lot of other issues, I'll focus on allowing her to play. I feel if at the end of the day (most days) she wants to be with you, that's who owns her feelings and soul. You've built something and obviously she values it.

I feel your life is with her and what she does with others has no bearing on that. If you can find a way to get through those times, visit other friends, explore other sexual partners, then maybe it could work.

Your life is valuable, keep working at it and you'll make progress.

chowbox2004 43M
210 posts
6/2/2005 6:49 am

Strings, I doubt that I have the answer for you, I don't think that anyone but yourself will either. I was in a relationship, and one drunken evening I made a move on one of my friends, nothing happened, but the the move was made, and discovered by my girlfriend. We split up and she went on to have fun with others while I waited for her return, hoping that we could patch things up after a break. For whatever reason (guilt) I didnt take the time to explore for myself, thinking that my loyalty although belated, would prove something to her. We got back together a few months later. At first everthing was going fine, but the thought of her being with someone else made me sick, I would try to push it out of my mind, but it always returned, always....Yes it was my own fault that things happened the way they did in the first place, but the thought of her fucking someone else, and returning to me like it was nothing was simply too much to bear. I loved her more than anything, but it was a bridge that mentally, I couldnt gap. You know yourself, and your heart, will she ever devote herself truely to you alone? You deserve that, and nothing less. You are number one, and everything else comes second. Keep your chin up and head held high, and listen to your heart, you will find your answer there.
I wish you only the very best, CHOW

no_strings_grrl 44F

6/2/2005 12:18 pm

Thanks for your comments. Any way you look at it, I have a lot of growing to do to get through this. The only reason I left was because I honestly believe my freaking out was making her miserable. I always told her that if my presence in her life caused her heartache or pain in any way, I would leave that moment.

I tried to let go and just let her be her, but the relentless thoughts and paranoia turned me into someone that I don't really like anymore. The question is not does she love me in return. If there was no love in her heart for me, my decision would simple. The question is, can I overcome the fears and anxiety I have surrounding her desire to have sex with other people? Or would that be settling for a relationship that does not fulfill my own needs just because I'm afraid of losing her?

In my past relationships, although they didn't last forever, I found incredible peace and comfort in knowing that sex was something special that we saved and shared with one another, and no one else. To me, it made making love sacred and formed a very unique connection between us...is that notion just romantic and unrealistic?

no_strings_grrl 44F

6/2/2005 12:55 pm

Chowbox2004 - It sounds like you know exactly what I'm feeling - that knot in your stomach that won't go away. I don't think I can bridge that mental gap either, at least not at this point in my life. Deep down I know that I can't deal with the thought of her having sex with someone else, the nightmares I've had over the last 10 months have proven that much.

I am hard-headed and sometimes it takes me a long, LONG time to admit the truth to myself. I seem to be one of those people who likes to curl up with my pain for just a little longer than everyone else.

I should learn to take Einstein's advice: "If you want to live a truly happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things."

Easier said than done. Thanks again for your kind words. I promise to not be so freaking negative in my upcoming posts. Stay tuned folks...

HughJarse2000 47M

6/3/2005 1:11 pm

No strings. This is awful !!!
I feel your pain too.
But you are on the right track. Commiting yourself to your partner IS the way to go . When you reach that point. But people take different amount of time to get there.
I believe you share a great love. And that must be horrendous for you. So much pain and hurt.
You are in that place before she is. That's all.
Be true to you. Do not sell out or sell yourself short. You are ahead of the game here. She is far behind.
It is not ok to feel the pain of your loved one being with someone else. Sex is sex. Love is more.
You are very brave to share this. Swallow the hurt. Hold on to your dignity. Take the time to grief the injustice of it. But move on.
You can not lie to yourself on this. Your eyes are open . You are wiser. It's not her fault but she is on a different page.
I really feel for you . I really do. Heartache sucks so bad.
Good luck. You are very special. Be strong. Stick to what you believe.


6/3/2005 11:41 pm

I have to agree with Hugh, you are incredibly brave and special, though you might not feel it right now.
I am the last person who should be giving advice on love and monogamy, because I have never been 'in love' and I think monogamy is stifling, but I’ll throw my two cents in anyway...
Some great points were made by several people responding to this post.
I think love and sex are separate issues. It's the love shared by the two of you that is special, not the sex. Anyone can do that, but to really love someone takes work, patience and the willingness to grow. In love, one should give because one wants to give, not because of any sense of obligation. People are not static; we change every moment, with every experience. We all need room to grow, if we chose to do so.
I think sex without some level of intimacy is boring. (I guess that’s why I like girls. Well that and they're prettier.) Sex can be a hobby for some people, or an unhealthy way to fill some emotional void, but it can also be something very special.
It is never a good idea to lie to yourself in order to please someone else, no matter how well meaning you are. That will only make you both miserable. It was smart of you to recognize when things became too unhealthy for you to stay in that situation, and brave of you to walk away. I’m sure it was painful.
It might be a good idea to use this time alone to get to know yourself better. Try to focus on who you are and discover what you need, but not in terms of her or your relationship with her. Step out of that if you can. I know, it's easier said than done, but you are a strong and intelligent woman. If you remain honest with yourself, you'll come through this a better and happier person.
Who knows…you two might be on the same page one day, or you may find someone else who is on your page, or you may not. What's important is that you know what page you are on.
Some days life just sucks, but other days are all daisies and lemonade. Hang in there, baby.
Good luck.

hunter937 63M

6/4/2005 10:26 am

No strings? Hmmmm....

I have felt you pain too. It's always difficult but I think one needs to let go in this situation. Don't burn the bridge, just tell her you love her and move on. Cherish the memories of the time you had together but don't dwell on them. How does that song go? "Every new begining is some other begining's end." I know it's not your choice and that's not fair but I think it's time for you to start anew. I hope you find that someone you need soon.

no_strings_grrl 44F

6/4/2005 8:04 pm

Wow...thank you all so much for taking the time to read and respond. I really do feel like someone is listening and actually understands - not sure I can find that anywhere else on earth at this point in my life but here, in this blog, with you guys.

FUNandSEXYinNC - Its interesting you mentioned that I should use this time alone to get to know myself better. She and I have discussed this recently and have agreed that we BOTH need to do this. I know that its not possible to learn and grow without a good, honest look in the mirror. One of the things that I ADORE about this woman is that she actually believes and admits this too - which is something many people can never acheive.

There has been another interesting turn of events in our lives since this posted orginally, and it will be the topic of my next post. One thing I am learning thorugh all this is to take life one day at a time...savor each moment before it slips through your fingers, because eventually, they all do.

Thanks again and good night everyone.


no_strings_grrl 44F

6/4/2005 9:29 pm

By the way FUNandSEXYinNC - I noticed you mentioned that you like girls. Your profile only indicates your looking for men.

What are my chances here?


29 posts
6/5/2005 6:14 am

Wow. Now that's a problem. Unfortunately sex and love are so intertwined in the human psyche that one always has the potential to mess up the other. I am by no means an expert but I'm afraid your heart is going to have to take the brunt on this one. If you go back to her, there are 2 things that could happen. 1) Things will be the same as before and you will be miserable everytime she's with somebody else. 2) She will agree to monogomy but then she'll be miserable which will make you miserable.

I feel for you grrl. I hope you can find a way to get over her. All the luck in the world.

rm_DejaBlueEyes 51F

6/10/2005 12:27 pm

I'm Blue Eyes.
I think the best thing for us is not to live together for awhile/if ever again. I also think not seeing each other everyday may help a great deal. We need to find out who we are and what we really want and not go back to each because of a rebound or because we are more miserable in our current situation. I want more than anything to get past this and move on. I can't help that I like both men and women. I also, believe love and sex are separate issues. I am not looking for the love of a man again. I love no_strings_grrl with all my heart and I just can't give that love to anyone else. My door is shut now. I only have room to love one person at a time. I only remember the great times we had and to me there were more great times than bad times. I'm hoping we will continue to grow together and get stronger through time. I have never in my life found a more loving person and may never again. At least I got to be with her for nearly 2 years.

rm_unlistedone 65M
2718 posts
6/16/2005 6:46 am

You've done part of it already. You said you would leave if you felt that you're being there causes the other pain. That to me, grrl, is a total love. Not everyone can ever be blessed in finding it. But to be willing to let it go, out of the love you have, is the complete package. If you truly love someone completely, totally, and without question; you will also be willing to give up that love if in the end, that will make the other happy. Tough road I know, 'cause I've been there. Love can hurt like no other hurt ever felt.
Does the hurt end? Not really. It will dull to a point to where it is okay to remember. I lost someone that I loved in this way almost thiry-one years ago. There isn't a day that has gone by that I don't think of her. I still celebrate her birthday. And if I could see her today, I would want to make sure her life was good... and that she was happy and safe. But I still wonder what we may have missed... together as one.

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