|Blogs > nkidu > Porn Addiction|
*Entry from another sex diary that I had a long time ago, these thoughts were from my past but they are relavant to who I am*
I'm 100% voyueristic...not only do I enjoy watching someone else but it's a total turn on being watched..
Guilt a while back stopped this behavior but the notion is still hard in my mind as I used to have a webcam that I would use through 'Y' chat to broadcast myself to total strangers! I loved it!! (There's still a strong part of me that really loves it but my cam broke and I have been too guilt ridden to purchase another one..)
Nighttime was the best as all the deviant people such as myself would come out to play. Surfing chat rooms to find someone to look at is always difficult because 99% of the webcams are computer bots that just lead you to new porn site. This alone is not bad but I wanted a REAL woman to lust after me not some computer created image.
I found the chats rooms that were listed from the females point of wanting. Instead of going into the chat rooms labeled "Men looking for.." I went to the ones labelled either "Women looking for..." or "Men Showing...".
I'd setup my cam to show from the waste down only and would get the lighting just right. I still remember how nervous I was the first time I stripped naked in front of the camera and had my first audience. The thrill of not knowing who was watching me was intoxicating.
Some women would view and leave. In my mind at least those women got to see me even for a moment and that was thrilling in itself.
Some would stay and watch but not comment. The silent ones I figured were either too shy or just didn't want to talk. I would try to IM them but they would generally leave if I did that so I learned not to make the first move.
My favorites where the ones who IMd me with their comments. I love having my ego stroked (especially since I couldn't have something else stroked). Some of the women would tell me what they would do with what they saw. Some would make comments like "mmm nice". Some of the women would ask me to show my face, which I always refused!
The ones that stuck around and talked more we wound up having cybersex. Talking about what I'd do to her, and what she would do to me. It was erotic and overly sexual in nature.
When I would climax though it was usually the same time that I'd close my cam. I would get embarrassed that my 'size' was now gone, so I'd close off the connection before it was shown 'weak'.
The gratification though didn't last very long and I'd be back feeling empty and alone.