to ponder love  

nightstalker172 36M
1646 posts
12/23/2005 1:48 am

Last Read:
11/21/2006 1:13 am

to ponder love

I sit here in my computer chair Thinking of something constructive to right. Last couple days I have been in a bad mood as if you couldnt tell by my last few posts. I guess it all started with simply seeing a car as I walked by. What car you ask?...HER car...parked at my mother's place of business. Why does the thought of her send me into such a bad mood?...Some say that its because I still have feelings for her...That I still want her...that Im still "in love" with her. I have tried my best to avoid this woman as best I can. On my walks that I do for exercise I thought I had past her place of employment...I completely changed my route as to not have to see her. Ive seen her drive by on the road a few times and I pretty much look the other way and pretend I dont see her...dont know if she notices me either dont really care...yet for the longest time I have done nothing but think about her...thinking about calling her but then I dont. Ive had too many women play me for a fool and Im not a very forgiveing person when it comes to that...Every time I hear her name or see any of her family or ANYTHING that reminds me of her. I feel this pounding in my chest..its subtle at first but then starts to go...I feel the blood pumping hard and fast and know its not because Im horny either. Its that feeling of anger and rage that I use every ounce of my being to control until Im away from other people. Physically excerting myself seems to be the only way to help...going for a walk while listening to some slipknot to tune out the rest of the world...

Even with my very first g/f I never had problems like this...sure it took me ALONG time to get over it but not this long...She must be some sort of witch whos cast a spell on me....What if her and I meet somewhere...I seriously dont think I could hold it in...I think I would unleash on her like there is no tomorrow...Not physcailly mind you I dont hit women...but to just vent out what shes did to me...

Someone told me that a good way to vent feelings is writting them down...I did that for awhile...wasted alot of paper...could have written a book seriously...hell Im still doing it on this site...I think she has impared me to meeting other women too...I used to ask for numbers and dates all the time...(granted I got shot down alot but what guy doesnt and I had my share of successes too) but now its like..I see a beautiful woman that Im attracted to but I just dont have any gumption anymore...The wounds are still too tender...I do everything in my power to get my mind off of her when I get reminded...I try playing some video games but Ive racked up so many loses on warcraft 3 because I cant seem to focus on the game instead of HER...I try working out but its like I have no strength except when Im in the angery at her phase. That one time after she rejected me and I saw her with another guy...I hurt my rotator cuff in my shoulder doing military presses...3 weeks of physical therapy because I was so flustered.

Some say love is an obsession...that drives us I crazy I woudl say so. That means Im obsessed with her right? and if thats true that means im in love with her right? there a way to make it STOP?!?!?!..sigh sometimes I wish she had stay gone when she moved...why did she have to come back...

I go on day by day pretending it doesnt bother me. But inside its like a cancer eating away at me....Some days I just dont care...Ill not even bother to watch what I eat..and thats the most dangerous part...slipping on my an alcoholic or a drug addict is eases the pain...I cant live like this...something must be done...but what? I already dead and this is hell?....god I cant even watch FIREWORKS without being reminded...I have tried so many times to think of everything I hate about her...focusing on her negetives..that doesnt work either....and yes...even sex with someone else hasnt helped me...the whole time her....all I could think about was someone else....Hell I pretended it was her just to get myself in the mood....

I am a broken man...and I dont think anyone can fix me........

dasher121 36M

12/23/2005 5:23 am

Hey, dont worry man. You are not the only person out there to feel the scars of a past relationship. And unfortunately, it does take alot of time. Especially if you were very much involved with that person in heart and soul, which it sounds like you were.
People can give you loads of advice and none of it will probably make you feel any better. But their advice means that they care about you and hope that you will feel better. The best advice that really works? None. Time is what you need. I promise you, from someone who has so very much been there, that in time things will fade. The scars will lessen. I swear to you that one day you will wake up and her thoughts in your head will be lesser than what they are. Then a month later, even less than that. And one day, you wont think of her at all. But always carry with you what you did learn from that relationship, good and bad. Carry tht knowledge and become stronger for it.

dasher121 36M

12/23/2005 5:26 am

And the scars, even though they lessen, will still be there but at a distance that you cannot feel so much. One day, the love of a great woman will take away all of that fear and hurt, and ALL of it will be swept away faster than you can feel. And you will find love and happiness again dude, that Im sure of.
Ive read your words and know people that are friends of yours. You're a great guy night, and as I firmly believe,
Great things happen to good people. Keep your head up dude and your wits about you. And vent when needed to. You will always have a support system here.

curious082385 31F
4925 posts
12/23/2005 6:14 am

And my heart aches for you, because I have been where you are now. I know that helpless rage and how powerless you feel when you can't stop thinking about that person. I wish that I could argue with Dasher and say that there was something that you could do to make yourself feel better. But he is right...there isn't really.
"Time heals all wounds". All much of a cliche that is, it's true. You just have to trust that it won't always be this way and just breathe through the pain and anger. Trust that one day you'll see her and you won't feel anything. You are one of the sweetest people I have met on here and that means a lot...I've met some wonderful people here. You deserve so many good things and, someday, a woman is going to come along who is going to recognize that.
I have said it before about this proud that you at least had the courage to stand up and say what you were feeling. To echo Dasher again, carry that with you and be proud for it.
Hugs to you, my dear. You are loved and supported here...rant away.

popmuse01 35F

12/23/2005 7:46 pm

Awe night, honey, come need a hug. *HUGS*

I know how you feel, and have felt that rath directed towards me from my first boyfriend (yes he still hates me after 10 years since we've broken up)

I could sit here and say it will all get better, or that time heals all wounds (cuz some wounds will never go away, I've found out), but in all reality...just live is what I give to you for advice. Best thing to do is just be you and to live your life, Her be damned.

I do agree, working out those feelings by ranting will help, but it also could help keep those feelings raw and open. Working out definately helps as you already know.

I feel bad that you feel can rant and rave all you want...I will gladly support you! *HUGS*

I'm leaving the site end of March. To those who want to keep in touch, see blog for details.

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