The truth shall set you free or condem you  

nightstalker172 36M
1646 posts
3/18/2006 2:34 am

Last Read:
9/1/2006 3:32 am

The truth shall set you free or condem you

Those that know me...or even know alittle bit about me know that If I really want someone I go for them...I dont hesitate. But I have to want to. I have seen alot of hotties out there. Alot of them have turned my head. Both in real life and some on this website. I flirt shamlessly.

I have to confess to you all however that I have not been trying. When Im attracted to someone I always ask for a number with the exception of the last 3 years. The last 3 years I have shyed away from asking anyone out or anything. The times Ive been set up I think I unconsiously may have put that person off on purpose. I have been sitting in the dark for a long time thinking about alot of things...One thing remains a constant either in the back of my mind or right up there in front. I think I have stopped myself on purpose without even realizeing it. I have not let any relatioship flourish but its not what I want.

I have tried really really hard not to write anything about this. I really have. Everytime I want to write something about it. I write it and then delete it...therapy I guess...

What is it I could be talking about. Yes its HER...I have said alot of nasty things about her on here mainly out of being hurt...truth is I dont know what to beleive when it comes to her...whether or not she actaully cared about me or if she was just useing me as an emotional outlet. I really wish I knew for sure. Her mother....HER MOTHER I say...actaully called me and wished me a Happy Birthday...HER MOTHER of all people. This only reinforces the thought that her daughter never cared about me...she didnt bother.

I think the reason I havent been able to be with anyone else is because I want HER not anyone else or some 100% sure way of knowing she never cared about me so I can HATE her accordingly.

She made me feel alive and gave me hope that not everyone in the world was a peice of shit. She gave me the desire to improve myself which at the time I didnt really have. Hell I started loseing weight because I wanted to for her (at least at first) When she rejected me it really hurt. I can handle rejection I mean come on look at me you know damn well Ive been rejected my share...but her rejection was like a shot to the gut. Her giveing that "we can be friends" line was her way of trying to fix the wound by shoving her hand in it to retreive the bullet she shot me with....

I thought perhaps she wasnt ready for any relationship. She had been really hurt by her ex and I admit I hated seeing her in pain. I thought I would remain friends with her and try again later. Shortly after she starts dateing...This of course upset me to no end. To the point where I break the friendship off by remaining distant and even being a bit nasty to her (in the form of dirty looks but that it I didnt say anythign to her)

Despite all this I still think about her. I still want her and YES people have said that. I wouldnt have been so angery before if it didnt matter to me. I keep hearing things like "Your just a platonic friend" or "She just a chick get over it" "She played you let it go" "Your too good for her" "Shes a bitch" "Dont dwell on the past" or my favorite "maybe you remind her of her brother"....

I want all of her or none of her...I seriously dont know what to do...I dont hate her...I miss her...but I cant handle being around her....Its enough to drive anyone insane...I guess what I want is either to be with her...or have a indisputeable reason to hate her guts...because right now I dont...sigh....I need a vacation...

rm_PurryKitty2 48M/49F
9753 posts
3/18/2006 3:54 am


Purry {=}


curious082385 31F
4925 posts
3/18/2006 3:58 am

That's always the worst, isn't it? To be in pain, but not be able to be in complete anger or hatred. There is no relief to the pain that just sort of sits there and surrounds you. I wish I had words of comfort or advice to give you, but I don't. Just breathe through it, I day at a time and hope that someday it comes to an end.

LadytoPleaseYou 64F
5447 posts
3/18/2006 10:38 pm

Take some advice from a dirty old woman who has been there and done that.....get on with your life. Make up your mind to go for her or leave her alone, but whatever it is do it and get past it and start living your life. You are too young to be wasting your life sitting around moaning and groaning over this. Before you know it, your life will be winding down and you will wonder where it went. It will be too late to start over.
I know this because I spent too much of my precious time moaning and groaning over some butthead that I found myself in love with. I passed up many opportunities because I was 'in love'. I think now that I was 'in stupid' because I wasted so much of my time.
Please don't do this. Live your life to the fullest. Take opportunities when they arise.

PENIS CHARMING....where are you?

themisskrissy 56F
2302 posts
3/19/2006 1:04 am

i watched a friend of mine torture himself over a similar situation for 8 (eight!) years.. finally, at 43 he is getting married to a really nice woman...
i was never able to offer up the "solution" for him, so it isn't too likely i can for you... but i hope you find your way thru and past the anger and pain and open up a brighter world for yourself..

(i have found that for me anyhow, it is PAIN that fuels anger... i could always connect with anger, but the root was much harder to face and overcome.. i beleived "pain" was some kind of weakness or shortcoming in my character and would not allow it to was a hard habit to break..)

as for this being therapy, hey it beats the hell out of paying some nimrod $150 an hour to discuss your potty training...

Virtue Alone Ennobles

Become a member to create a blog