|Blogs > nightstalker172 > Welcome to the Darkside|
Ok this is going to be another one about HER so if you dont want to read it hit back now.
I have made many posts about this woman and even more that have never been posted. I think perhaps I should share in more detail about the situation for I feel I may have left out a few details in my haste and anger in writing the past posts.
When I was a senior in highschool. My nephew was in 7th grade. He became friends with another 7th grader. At the time my sister and her kids lived with us and my nephews friend would come over all the time. This lead to a bond between my sister and mother and this kids mother. Eventually our families became friends with the except of me. I had no interest in my nephews friends. But I admit that my nephews friend did so amuse me. He mentioned to me that he had a sister that went to the same highschool as me and that she was in 9th grade. He wanted to know if I knew her. Nope...didnt pay attention to my fellow seniors let alone the lower classmen. Unless of course they bothered me.
My senior year I was makeing up alot of classes that I had failed..one was a freshman class. Earth Sceince it was called. The kid I sat across from was an annoying little bastard who I wanted to squash like a bug but it didnt seem fair since he was so much smaller than me. Anyway one day out of the blue he asks me what I think of this girl whos sitting at the next group of table...A table full of girls mind you. So I ask him which one. The burnette one. So I looked as to humor him. I thought she was actaully very cute and then I ask him if he liked and he said no...I was alittle annoyed but went back to work. A few days later Im approached by said girl. Now in those days I wasnt so nice to people. Most people no matter how pleasant they were to me...they always got a "WHAT" or "WHAT DO YOU WANT" or something rude like that...so I said with a scowl "WHAT!" She was bothering me while I was working...I hated that...I didnt care how cute she was. But then she asked me If I knew someone by the name of my nephew. Perked my interest a bit. I said yes. And then she ask me if I was Daniel (which is my name by the way ). I did not really like that very much. So I snapped at her "Who are you?" She then introduced herself and told me that she was my nephews friends sister. So apparently Ive been the subject of discussion at their house for some reason. So her I was sit and talk during class sometimes but rarely ever saw her outside of that class...mainly because of my disdain for people in general at the time.
So just before highschool was going to end for me I thought about asking her out. But then thought about the age difference..She 15 and Im 18 that just seemed wrong to me so I kept my trap shut.
Over the years she would visit every now and then. She bonded with my family much like her mother did and her and I would sit and talk for awhile or play some video games sometimes. She had many relationships and her last b/f that I had the pleasure of hearing about is the father of her child. He basically ditched her and she was very hurt about it. She would never admit it but I could tell. Ive always been able to tell when someones hurting...I used it on people I didnt like to kick them while they where down..and to the people I did like to comfort them. Well I also have been under that impression since I met her that she actaully liked me but never wanted to say anything to me. For what reason I cannot say I was a grump when she met me. I think she was always trying to get me to like her everytime she was around me. That is how it felt to me...Im rarely wrong when my gut tells me something its useally right on...
I felt terrible for her when she was abandoned by the father while still pregnant with her son. After she had the child I mean like a month after she had him. I did the most embarrassing thing in the entire world....This is really embarrassing for me to admit. Its something I have NEVER done and would never think to do. I look back on it and wonder how I could have been such a pansy ass. I wrote her a letter. Telling her my feelings I never once said that I was in love with her but I was trying to comfort her even though she didnt want to admit she was hurt and makeing it known that I really liked her. This is the one detail I have kept secret from all of you because well Its just shameful...and whats worse...it was 3 pages long...3 PAGES! WTF!
Needless to say considering what happened I think I may have freaked her out. 3 weeks went by before she decided to talk to me about it. That in itself says alot. She was scared to confront me because she dreaded hurting me. That is my take on it. Even right after I gave her the letter and walked away I was thinking...this is such a bad idea...Why do you listen to others advice...(YES thats right my cousin thought it would be a sweet gesture FEMALE cousin by the way) Now before I gave it to her..she gave me signals ok at least to me it seemed that way. She seemed flirty with me. That could have been that her hormones where all out of whack still but of course Im dumb I didnt think of that till later. I also said in the letter that I did want to at least be friends. YES ANOTHER MISTAKE I KNOW....I made every single mistake you can think of with this girl...I dont know why...I guess maybe it was because she was my friend already and I thought I could be more open with her (YEA RIGHT!)
When she confronted me She basically said she was flattered....it seemed like she had real trouble thinking of what do say...She said "We can friends..good friends but I just" She stopped there and just looked at me. I of course didnt actaully say anything back. I couldnt think of anything to say I was too embarrassed and a bit hurt...I just kind of looked back at her. Then she complained about me being "distant" I still said nothing...I was not comfortable with this situtaion because it was at a get together so most of both of our families were there. So when they were leaving she said goodbye to me and I said goodbye to her...first words I said to her since...
My thought were I came on too strong or that she that she did actaully like me but wasnt ready to start anything just yet...that is the vibe I had gotten from her....About a month goes by she hasnt visited any of my family I guess in a ditch effort to avoid me at all cost who knows. I decide out of the blue to call her. So I ask her how shes doing and she seemed very happy to hear from me which was a good sign...but who knows she could be really good at pretending. She then visits later that week. That day she came in basically telling everyone this story about her Ex and his new g/f and her mom interjects saying she needs to get over it and be with someone else...I wanted to hide my big ass under the table. Then she give her mom a dirty look and then her, her mom, and my mom leave the room seeming to want to get away from me...which was fine I was ready to run in the other direction...I have no idea what they talked about Didnt really want to know....It could have been that she either was embarrassed by her mother because she likes me OR she didnt want to give the impression that she likes me when she actaully doesnt...That make sense?....She didnt visit for a couple weeks and then comes by and talks about her friends setting her up with a guy...she wanted to get her hair done and what not...This is one of the times where it felt like she was rubbing it in...She didnt seemed happy about meeting the guy but she seemed to talk about it whenever I was around...I of course said nothing I kept my mouth shut. I pretty much acted like I didnt care...I dont know if she was trying to get me to compete for her or what...She had me confused at the time...
A month later I go out for a walk by the water to watch the firworks while Im exerciseing yes..it was the 4th of july...I saw her trailing behind some guy...neither of them seem to happy and they where leaveing. She look at me btu I pretend to watch the fireworks while watching her out of the corner of my eye..I didnt want to say hello...I was alittle bit upset I guess...That had given me my answer at least thats how it seemed to me...that she truely had now interest and Im not one to play those stupid games its a waste of my valueable time. If she was trying to manipulate me into competeing for her what for?..to boost her own ego...fuck that shit...Thus why I got a bit angery at her.
The next time I saw her. I kept my distance and got out of there fast to go do my workout...I needed some physical excertion because I wasnt happy with her. When I calm down alittle mainly because I hurt my shoulder doing military presses...and of course that put me in such a better mood you know. I ended up going to physical therapy for that one too....Anyway..she asked me how I was. I played the grump...I said Im FINE...She asked if I was mad I said no...she asked me if I was ok and I said yep and gave her a dirty look....about five minutes later she left even though she had just gotten herself a cup of coffee she decided not to finish it and leave...At the time I wanted her OUT of my sight...
Now a YEAR after that I run into at my moms work while I was getting a hair cut....I tried to be generally pleasant simply because it was my moms place of business...So the three of us are talking well actaully its more my mom and her...I was sick..she asked me if I want to hold her son and I said no because I was sick...I think she may have taken that as an insult but I really was sick..sore throat, fever, it was raining outside and thats the only reason why I even stay there was because I was just to weak to walk home...I had to get a haircut though because I had a job interview which I also went to sick...So she starts talking about going clam digging with her dad and wanting her hair done incase she "meet a guy" over there..she was complaining that her hair was kind of falling out...then she annouces "Im 21 and single and my hair is doing this" oh I just wanted to throw something at her....I sat there Silent not saying much cause honeslty I wasnt very up to par anyway and it hurt to talk..so when it came time to leave she walks over to my mom in the back room and lets my mom and her son say goodbyes..and then she brings him over to me...I smiled at him and said good bye...(note If I wasnt sick I would have held him but I was sick ) I was alittle confused by her again...It seemed in some way that she was trying to get me to compete for her again...but I pretty much didnt bother....I have not seen her since that was 2 years ago...Last year she moved to another state for awhile...didnt say a word to me not a good bye or anything...She came back a in november of last year...and again nothing from her...she visited my mom she even called her on her birthday and wish her happy b-day...never has she done that on mine...well except once...that was the same year she rejected me....
Now after all this time I still think about her. But honestly if she actaully liked me I think she would have done a better job letting me know....but here I sit...stalled if you will.....not knowing what I should do about it...past couple years Ive been consumed with anger towards her for the apparent games she was playing...I havent talked about it to anyone in my family or hers...whenever someone mentions her I pretty much keep my mouth shut and not talk...I migth say something I would regret you know...but now....
Now I just dont know....My gut or instincts tell me that she did like me just by her body language etc...but I dont think clearly when Im angery...I ignored it and assumed the worst instead....So Im confused as to what I should do....I really dont think I can just leave it be....I just feel like there is no closure to the situation...we've both been tight liped between eachother since I saw her with that guy on the 4th of july and there is no room for being just friends that much is clear...but I dont want to make myself look like an idiot....AGAIN....So my loyal followers....What do you think. Be honest dont sugar coat I hate that...
3/22/2006 7:15 pm
Sounds to me like she is playing games to keep you interested in her in some way. IMO she is trying to get 2 guys to compete for her affection and attentions and you are refusing to play her game b/c of the fact it is pointless and a waste of your time.|
I would suggest that you tell her straight up if she's interested, quit trying to make you compete for her attention and that if she's truely interested she would already have realized it a long time ago, therefore she's not worth your time and effor to even be friends.
I'm leaving the site end of March. To those who want to keep in touch, see blog for details.
3/23/2006 8:22 am
I dont know, I dont think that she was playing games. You may have been seeing more than was really there. Liking someone, loving someone, can do really strange shit to your head and emotions.|
I do think that, yes, she def could have done a much better job talking to you about the contents of the letter and her feelings. But then again dude, you even admit yourself that you have troubles expressing to others how you feel sometimes. We all have that problem in a way, especially when suprised about something.
I feel for you man, its a shitty situation none-the-less. All that you can really do is reflect and learn.
3/24/2006 11:19 am
Popmuse - You could very well be right....but I just dont know...|
Dasher - Yea...I tend to end up learning the best lessons the hardest ways
Lovespell - Dont worry Im not offended...I keep that into consideration about contacting her....Im not sure though...and Actaully her son turned 3 years old in feb at the time I last saw her he had just turned 2....So its been alittle over a year since Ive seen her...and yes...I brood...bad habit I know....
Thank you all for your thoughts...its nice sometimes to get others prospective on things...thank you...This is the first time Ive been able to write about it and not write in anger...so...Im trying
3/25/2006 5:06 am
Let it go...|
By hanging on to her you could miss out on someone that really wants you.
Seriously, I quite liked this guy who couldn't get over another girl who had made it clear she wasn't interested, but he could let it go. 15-20 years later he's still single, still complaining no one wants a nice guy, but he's never allowed anyone who was interested in him near for hanging onto a fantasy that he was told early wasn't going to happen.