Dead Nerves  

nightstalker172 36M
1646 posts
1/6/2006 9:19 pm

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

Dead Nerves

There are times I sit here and stare at the blackness and think about all the things that one has done in life. Wondering if I died tomorrow would I have lived a fulfilling life.

There are times where I have prayed the reaper would take me and end my suffering. Yet I think about if would I be happy with what Ive done if he actaully came to collect?

The answer is of course no. How is it that one single person can have such control over another. Or for that matter a substance.

When I was younger about 8 years old. My sister was 19 and he b/f 20. her b/f lived with us and they had my nephew he was 2 years old at the time. As the years go by this guy became addicted to cocain. He would be gone for several days at a time and when he would come back he would crash and sleep for awhile. Then came the hunger for more. What a person will do to sate that hunger amazes me. Ive seen alot of abuse not only done to my sister when he wanted money or couldnt get his way. But also to me if I got in the way. Yes for a few years of my life I lived through physical and emotional abuse. But the way I see it what doesnt kill you makes you stronger. but in life the physical abuse the beatings I would get from time to time. That kind of pain pale in comparison to what I feel and have felt the past couple years.

How is it that one single person can influence someone so? To have that control over someone? The constant reminders driving me insane, Speaking of that person driving me to rage, and changing my habits so that I dont have to see, hear, or speak of that person anymore or at least as little as possible. Yet I still have a thrist. A thrist for vengeance perhaps? To even the score and eye for an eye. She hurt me therefore it be only fair and just that I make things even again right?

So many people say that I should let it go. How? when you have no control. I must be like a drug addict who cant get his fix. That is how it seems. Thought many times of contacting her despite what people say. But I stop myself. Im too proud to do that. She doesnt deserve it. The satisfaction of knowing that she got to me. That she still gets to me.

I guess death is the only true freedome. Let me ask you all something. If you had a person in your life who hurt you. You have done everything you can think of to help yourself including keeping a journal of you feelings towards that person good or bad. Would you ever share it with that personif you came on good terms with them again? Im not saying I have come on good terms with this person I have just been sitting here thinking again. This is mostly just hypothetical. Would you though? Even if it could hurt that person's feelings.
Or perhaps share it with them too hurt that person's feelings. Let them see first hand the damage they have done. Would you?

NickRules999 39M
9462 posts
1/6/2006 11:58 pm

I can relate.

My mom has been married five times. The decent man she had was my father. Everyone else were alcaholic, drug addicted assholes. One of them, Kevin, made it his mission to tear me down in anyway possible. He targetted me all the time. Kevin was in the army, and I used to pray for him to go to war and be killed. I know it's not nice, but I would have breathed easier.

My mom tollerated him for 11 years, then we moved out. We saw he valued drugs over us, and it was a new beginning for me. I think if they stayed together, I'd be dead. I honestly think that. Either he'd have killed me, or I'd have killed myself. When he start ranting about something, I would stare at my pills for an hour, entertaining the idea of swallowing a handful of them. Getting away from him saved my life.

It took a long time for me to get my driver's license, but last year, I finally did. I finally got up the courage and the confidence to start driving. And that was one of the things I could not accomplish while living with Kevin. So, in that essence, I defeated him.

I will never forgive Kevin for what he did and what he tried to do. There's no way I could. And, if I ever saw him again, I'd lay it all out for him. I'll tell him about everything I was able to accomplish without him, driving, finally getting a great start on my book, all of that. I'll remind him of what he did, how he fed my depression mentally destroyed me, and how he almost made me kill myself. And I'll leave him with the knowledge that he is forever my enemy. That I will never forgive him. I will take my hate to the grave.

Come into my realm! You aren't afraid...are you?

giasine 42F

1/8/2006 3:29 pm

Lessons learned by veteran hearts
Broken, battered, black and blue
Move forth, and deal again the cards
For time shall gift a clearer view.

Suffer not yourself ever again
For this verse rings forever true:
He wrongs you once, shame on him
He wrongs you twice, shame on you!

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