Wonder Woman  

nietchze 43M
195 posts
8/17/2005 10:34 am

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

Wonder Woman

So I DID NOT WRITE THIS, this is written by one of my personal heroes Sean Baby. I want to be Sean Baby when I grow up. He doesn't post much to his web site anymore as he now writes for a few magazines and doesn't have time, but this shit is funny none the less. Anyway's...

Origin: Her mother, Hippolyta, made her out of clay, and begged the goddess Aphrodite to make her a real girl. If you've read or seen Pinnochio, it's the same puppet shit. I don't have any trouble believing a clay girl can come to life; I've seen Mannequin 218 times, and I still get presumptuous enough afterwards to make out with my Rock 'em Sock 'em Robots. What I have trouble believing is Wonder Woman's mom. I don't buy that any girl whose name starts with "Hippo" could make it through childhood without ending up in prison.

Wonder Woman's unofficial job on the team was giving Aquaman a ride to any place that wasn't along the water. If you want to see how often that might have been, try to travel by boat to every place you go in the next week. That's probably why Wonder Woman could never finish getting dressed-- she was busy playing taxi for the damn fish idiot.

One thing about Wonder Woman, is that whoever did her voice couldn't disguise it. When the Zimbabwean ambassador popped onto the Trouble Alert screen with a chef hat and a Turkish accent, you weren't quite sure if it was Batman's voice, but when Wonder Woman took a second job as the voice of the villain, there was no mistaking it.

Sometimes she tried to muffle it a little, but that only made more of a mess. It just meant that when the villain showed up, it looked like Wonder Woman changed bikinis and got a cold. We couldn't tell if it was supposed to be her in disguise, her long lost twin, or me imagining Wonder Woman was talking to me again. I don't remember ever coming to the conclusion that the Super Friend producers got cheap with their voice actor payroll and stuck a napkin over "Wonder Woman's" mouth. For a kid, admitting your cartoon heroes were thrown together by interns and animation sweatshop workers would be like admitting Santa Claus was your dad and your mom's breasts were fake.

I remember every time I looked away from the TV to the collection of pills I stole from the bathroom, I got really confused by every character having the same voice. On a regular day, it sounded like Wonder Woman was pulling the switch on an orbital death ray, and on a bad day, it sounded like she was capturing herself. It was all more confusing than one of Batman's lessons in physics. How much would it have cost to bring a hobo in from the Hanna Barbera sidewalk and have him read, "I've got to act fast!"?

She gets a lot of crap for her star panties even though everyone on her team wears pretty much the same outfit. It's like every superhero went swimming one morning and said, "Shit, guys. We don't have to go home and change! We could just go fight crime like this." I guess it does look a little bit cheap on Wonder Woman, though. Samurai's only wearing bloomers and gogo boots too, but he's from Japan, and there's that insane cultural gap. We're lucky he's not wearing dead fish and a pink cowboy hat. Maybe this is another gender double standard like how boys can have sex with girls without being called lesbians, but Wonder Woman should have at least put on a skirt. It looked like she was working for tips. If I saw her in a club, I'd say "Hey, give me change for that five, bartender. This next dancer looks cheap."

She had the same voice as every other girl on the show, so if you weren't paying close attention while the show was on, someone that at least sounded like Wonder Woman was always kicking ass. She was super strong, sometimes remembered to block lasers with her bracelets, and she honestly did seem to be able to tell what was going on on her invisible jet's instrument panel.

If the people making the show remembered, Wonder Woman had an unbreakable magic lasso too. It broke about once a week, and she left it lying around even more than that. Most times, it caught up with her by the next scene, though. One of her favorite attacks was to throw the thing around a monster's neck, turning it into a monster with a rope dangling from its neck. Then it usually wandered off with her rope.

The lasso magically forced people to tell the truth, but no villains were smart enough to lie anyway. You didn't even need to interrogate them, they gave away most of their plan on accident anyway. "My satellite's force beam, that can only be stopped by the access code 1-2-3-4, is turning the world into my slaves!" And maybe it's just me, but when a sexy woman in trampy hot pants and a halter top ties me up, I'm done playing games. When we were sharing drinks earlier, I told her I was captain of the olympic diving team and that I won a Nobel prize in Penis, but now... it's time for blunt, sexy, dirty talking honesty. If that kind of situation can't drag unmitigated truth out of you, nothing ever will, double-o-seven. I wouldn't lie to Wonder Woman, the only thing the lasso would do to me is get me uninhibited enough to go through with my idea to sing Barry White at her.

Originally, the running gag of the Super Friends show was to have her throw the rope around different Super Friends at the end of every episode and make them confess to embarrassing secrets. The first few confessions were pretty tame, mostly they confessed to eating each other's leftover pizza or not washing their hands after using the bathroom. Then one day, Aquaman took out a wallet full of photos of all the sea creatures he's humped, including a rating of how numb their toxins made his "Aquawang." This was where the show finally reconsidered the truth lasso confession finale, and retooled the show to be more responsible children's programming. Did you ever wonder why everyone laughs when Gleek does something stupid and unfunny at the end of the show? It's because they're using the same laughing footage from when Aquaman got teary eyed about his past fish lovers. They replaced the funny part with that stupid fucking monkey slamming his head in a book.


justsayhi2005 51F

8/17/2005 6:56 pm

holy lasso is nothing sacred!! I think it's against the law in 24 states to mock Wonder Woman


pseudohippie 49F

8/21/2005 8:32 pm

Thank you again for introducing me to this funny, eloquent guy.

He really seems to hate Aquaman.

Wonder Woman rocks anyway, even if she was always kinda wimpy with her "powers." Just think of her as the kindler and gentler Super Friend; a slice of marketing mastery. Thanks to Wonder Woman, the girlie=girls watch and the pre-pubescent boys get to stare at cleavage on a "nice girl" who actually has hips.


pseudohippie 49F

8/21/2005 8:34 pm

P.S. I do have to admit, though, it's not very smart to try to fight crime with a bustier on.


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