Simple solution  

nietchze 43M
195 posts
9/2/2005 1:08 am

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

Simple solution

Look, I'm online a lot. Way to friggin much lately, but that's not the point. Point is it never ceases to amaze me how men and women, even in such an environment such as this have such trouble communicating. I'm always amazed at what comes out of peoples mouths, or rather through their fingertips.

To be honest I blame the media to a large part. And poor parenting for allowing it to a lesser extent. I bring this up because of something I saw not here, but at work actually. A fairly intelligent college student was sitting in the break room the other day reading Cosmo, somewhat naive and ditzy, but hey she's just a junior. Upon finishing this months ridiculous survey of 'Are you and your partner compatible?' She was more than a little upset to find out she wasn't, at least according to whatever corporate shitbag wrote this insightful piece of romantic literature. I mean seriously folks who reads this shit?

Ladies you want to know men? Read a Men's Fitness magazine. Guys want to know more about women? Read a Cosmo. Think about it. Cosmo doesn't really give two shits about you, your partner, your fashion or any of that. They wanna sell magazines. How many copies will they sell if under this months 'What men really want' article they tell you men want to eat steak with their dick in your mouth while watching football? It's the truth, but they wouldn't sell to many fuckin subscriptions would they? For example here's some stuff from there website on 'How to attract men':

11. You can hold up your hair using only a pencil.
Are you fuckin kidding me? I could care less. If this is something any woman would name on her 'List of talents' it's a pretty safe bet I'll pick a girl who can tie her own Adidas instead. Who the hell did you interview for this article? Sharpie employees? Better yet, gay Sharpie employees?
2.Call us out of the blue (if we're dating; not if we're practically strangers)
I'm sorry, maybe it's just me, but this is what guys call clingy, and we hate it. Maybe some do, but as a general rule this is BS.

I could go on and on, but suffice to say it's complete and utter crap and not once is the phrase 'suck him off and swallow' anywhere in the article. You might find a few that dig the gay ass pencil thing, but as a general rule if you really want to attract a man get used to salty viscous fluids and you'll be fine. Not that you'll find that in Men's Health either, but if this basic common knowledge escapes you then I think the answers you seek to a long and happy relationship are written at the bottom of a bottle of isopropyl alcohol.

And guys, the reverse applies as well. I've read these stupid men's magazines, and in my youth even attempted to heed the ridiculously inaccurate advice I received. While I won't go into to detail, suffice to say I learned that not all women have an secret ass-play fetish, nuff said. Here are some pearls of wisdom gleaned from the back pages of past Men's health magazine.

Go into the closet.
"Novelty is an aphrodisiac. Any unusual setting, with strange sensations, smells, and muffled sounds, will make sex feel new."
Now, it's hard for me to judge this, because it's about what women supposedly want. But I find it very hard to believe women want railed standing up trying to keep their balance with a friggin clothes hanger in their eye. Could we find a more awkward and uncomfortable place in the house? Again, what weird ass kinky bitch did you interview as the spokeswoman for all American females? Courtney Love?
6.Apply her lipstick.
OK, what the flying fuckity fuck? Seriously I am not making this up. Why not just print that 'Your women wants to see you dressed in drag and being gangbanged by your co-workers dressed as prisoners'....? I swear these pricks write this just to see how many e-mails they get next month from guys complaining that their girlfriend dumped them for being a fuckin' make-up wearing nancy-boy. This is just fucked up as a football bat.

Again I could go on and on ( which I think I have, but that's not the point) but suffice to say no where in the article is there any mention of diamonds, 45 minute cunnilingus sessions, or telling her how beautiful she is 50 times a day. But if you wish continue believing that all women want to deep throat you while listening to John Madden and getting gristle in their hair, well who am I to wreck your Ron Jeremy fantasy. I mean it's either that or look for a women with office supplies sticking out of her hair.

Seriously folks, you want to attract to the opposite sex? LISTEN WATCH AND LEARN to what they want. NOT what you want them to want. These magazines are printed to tell you want you want to hear, nothing more. Same with TV, radio and all that other spoon-fed Hollywood drivel. Though if there are any guys who wanted to hear it's ok to put on your girlfriends lipstick, then thanks for reading my article, Elton John.

On a side note I actually had a subscription to Cosmo for a year. It was by far the funniest and most entertaining read I've had since I was 10 and read MAD magazine. The extent of the knowledge gained for my hard earned $39.95 was that women like soft, colorful and shiny things that smell nice. And they most certainly do not like giving head during football, especially not when your friends are over. And it's Valentine's day. And you forgot. Not that I would ever ask this, just a hypothetical.


MissAnnThrope 56F
11488 posts
9/2/2005 8:23 pm

I know this will shock and amaze you, but I have NEVER been a Cosmo woman. I hate the magazine with a passion and the women I know who read it have a very warped perspective on men and dating. Come to think of it, of the people I know who do read it, I get along with very few of them and even those relationships are strained at times. I just want to grab them by the shoulders and shake them until I hear their brains rattle, at times.

I know as a man, you can read Cosmo and have a good laugh. However, as a woman, I become enraged if I even flip through it. Magazines like that manage to tar all women with the same brush.

Now, about the quotes from that men's magazine... I think they mean, don't apply her lipstick to yourself, but try to play makeup artist on her. Of course, that's only if she doesn't mind the fact she's going to end up looking like Bozo. That bit about the closet? Um... No.

Now, I'm sure men are turned on by women who can tie their hair up with a pencil. No, I'm not joking. You two are alone in the office, working on a Saturday afternoon and you've been having an affair. You want not only a blow job, but to see her face as she's doing it. She doesn't have a scrunchie handy. So, the pencil works. See?

Once again, you know you would love it if some women you were dating called you out of the blue and said, "Hey nietchze, want me to come over and cook you a steak, while you watch football? Then while you eat, I'll give you a blow job. Can I come over?" Tell me you would consider that clingy.


pseudohippie 49F

9/3/2005 12:00 am

Cosmo is fluff and most women who read it know it (at least I hope and pray this). I admit to reading it for years (sorry, MissAnn). It did actually teach me a few good tricks, I learned about some great products (cause I'm lazy and they better be great if I'm gonna use them at all), and the pictures were colorful and pretty. Some of the articles were actually funny, or stupid--reading it was like watching Melrose Place (which I also did). I stopped reading WAY before it was $40/yr, though, jesusmaryandjoseph!

However, I still think these gender sterotypes about sex are a bunch of bullcrap. And women perpetuate them just as much as men, of course, so I blame both sexes. Here's what I think of some of the above...

*I* am turned on holding my hair up with a pencil. Seriously.

Oh...ooo...um...hair is a SUCH a great thing to touch and feel...mmm...god...uhUH...sensual...*sigh*)

...*Wakes up*....err...OKAY!

Anyway...if it turns me on, that'll turn my man on. So not bad advice, eh?

MissAnn/Niet...they DEFINITELY meant apply her lipstick ON HER...lmfao (BTW, another thing I'll admit to is that I really like when men paint my toenails, but it's damn f'n funny to watch them do it the first time...they have NOOOO idea how to apply it. TIP: Pampering is a good aphrodesiac for both sexes. Paint the nail in vertical stripes; one filled brush can do one coat for all of the four small toenails.)

Actually, I wonder what men really want, and if men even KNOW what they REALLY want. Here's another graphic admission of my sexual secrets. So one day, told my guy to read the paper, have a cigarette, watch sports, do whatever he wanted to do, I'd just orally service him with my very best efforts as a side note. *winks* Guess what? He did nothing like that. He watched me intently, he made lots of encouraging and happy noises, he told me how wonderful I was, he held my hair and stroked my arms. I don't think either of us felt clingy...just happy.

The End.


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