Real news story  

nietchze 43M
195 posts
8/27/2005 1:39 am

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

Real news story

I read this article and my brother and I about died laughing for an hour. I swear this is true. I mean I'm a pretty creative guy, but even I couldn't make shit like this up. If you want to read the whole story Goggle coxandforkum and scroll down till you see the picture of a lion on a sofa. I would post the address here, but the A FF gods would smite me down most furiously.

So, the whole gist of this story is that some Academic asshat with too much free government money has come up with the idea that in order to save wildlife in Africa, the only logical solution is to bring it here, and let it loose in Nebraska.

"The plan, which is called Pleistocene re-wilding, is intended to be a proactive approach to conservation initiative would help endangered African animals while creating jobs, the Cornell University scientists say. "

I love how these guys throw in the bone about how it creates jobs. As if that's somehow going to soften the blow of a fucking cheetah eating your grandma. ' Well she was kina old, and I got's me a $1.20 raise, so I guess the whole idea was alright.' And exactly what kind of jobs are these? Gravediggers? Game commission officers who drive around and makes sure no one shoots the lions unless the have your kid half way down their throats?

"If we only have 10 minutes to present this idea, people think we're nuts," said Harry Greene, professor of ecology and evolutionary biology at Cornell University, U.S. if people hear the one-hour version, they realize they haven't thought about this as much as we have. Right now we are investing all our megafauna hopes on one continent - Africa."

Sorry to say this professor assclown, but you could pitch me your idea while I get free lapdances and my own private Metallica concert, I'm still going to think your idea sucks. I mean if it's such a great idea then how about we introduce these things to Ithaca NY and you can watch them as they eat your stupid-ass Pekignese.

"Obviously, gaining public acceptance is going to be a huge issue, especially when you talk about reintroducing predators," said lead author Josh Donlan, of Cornell University. "There are going to have to be some major attitude shifts. That includes realizing predation is a natural role, and that people are going to have to take precautions."

Here's an understatement if I ever heard one. This is like saying Micheal Jackson might not be the best babysitter. And take precautions? These are Midwest farmers, the only precautions they'll take will be to make sure they have a good stock of furniture staples so they can reupholster their plastic-covered love seat in leopard hide with some fashionable camel hair throw pillows. If nothing else it will save a trip to Ikea.

"Once, American cheetah (Acinonyx trumani) prowled the plains hunting pronghorn (Antilocapra americana) - an antelope-like animal found throughout the deserts of the American Southwest - and Camelops, an extinct camelid, browsed on arid land man's arrival on the continent - about 13,000 years ago, according to one prevalent theory - pushed many of these impressive creatures to extinction disappearance left glaring gaps in the complex web of interactions, upon which a healthy ecosystem depends. The pronghorn, for example, has lost its natural predator and only its startling speed - of up to about 60mph - hints at its now forgotten foe. By introducing living counterparts to the extinct animals, the researchers say, these voids could be filled. So, by introducing free-ranging African cheetahs to the Southwest, strong interactions with pronghorns could be restored, while providing cheetahs with a new habitat."

Uhhh excuse me, I know I haven't thought about his as much as you guys have, but it occurs to me that these creatures didn't lose a natural predator as much as they got a different one. Hey, I like pronghorn burgers as much as the next guy, and apparently American cheetah jerky was pretty fuckin tasty too because my ancestors ate the hell out it. Seriously the only upside I can see to any of this is how kick ass it would be to order a McCheetah sandwich and have elephant skin racing seats in my Mazda.


MissAnnThrope 56F
11488 posts
8/27/2005 4:25 pm

OK... He wants to relocate preditory animals to: 1. A climate they weren't made for. 2. A country where they'd have a bunch of new wildlife to prey upon, adding several other species to the endangered list.

This reminds me of when they imported coyotes from other parts of the country to take care of the deer population here in NJ. It was mostly in Northwestern Counties, like where I used to live. The one night my sister and a few friends and I are on the front lawn, getting wasted. I hear howling. I say it's a coyote. I'm told I'm insane, it's someone's dog, the drugs are kicking in and I'm imagining things as a result. Well, it was a coyote...

The plan backfired on NJ wildlife officials too. People who weren't expecting a coyote to jump out onto the road were hitting them left and right. They decided deer were too hard to catch and went after other species, such as the endangered red fox. The northeastern climate didn't do much for them either. While I'm sure a small pack still roams the woods of western NJ, most of the coyotes they imported died out within two years.

So, I guess if this idea does gain motion and happens, Mutual of Omaha are going to be paying a lot of auto claims in their home state, as people hit giselles and other critters who can dart into the highway much faster than the common American deer.


justsayhi2005 51F

8/27/2005 5:54 pm

"We are not advocating backing up a van and letting elephants and cheetah out into the landscape," he said.

This could be a key phrase. I'd need more information before I could condemn this idea. Anything can sound ridiculous when you don't have enough information.

I don't get the McDonald's reference then again it's been over 20 yrs since I ate an animal.


jim5131 55M
1296 posts
8/30/2005 12:17 am

I am Jack's lost sense of reason.

Just when you thought the idiots were losing.

Good post, Sir. (Pixies guitar wailing while skyscrapers tumble...)


pseudohippie 49F

8/31/2005 2:39 am

OMG! Whoa...


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