|Blogs > nietchze > Paper St soap Company|
And I smoke too dammit...
And I smoke too dammit...
I've figured out how the world got so uncontrollably sarcastic. It's warning labels. Everything we buy is covered in directions and warnings so ridiculous that the only people who could benefit from them have no prayer of actually being able to read them. How can you not be sarcastic when the packaging material in your stereo tells you it's not food? There are things the size of a football that are legally obligated to call themselves choking hazards. I understand babies love to eat matchbox cars, but if something's more than a foot wide, it shouldn't say "CHOKING HAZARD." It should say, "GO AHEAD AND TRY TO EAT THIS, MR. BIGMOUTH."
Funtastic Fact: The only warning label on the Billy Bass singing fish is "USE PARENTAL SUPERVISION WHEN CHANGING BATTERIES." Of all the products in the world, this thing needs warnings more than anything. For example, "CAUTION: PRODUCT WILL ROB YOU OF ANY SENSE OF PRIDE." or "WARNING: YOUR PURCHASE OF THIS DEVICE HAS FLAGGED YOU AS AN EXPENDABLE CITIZEN IN THE GOVERNMENT'S DE-POPULATION PROGRAM."
You didn't really think these singing fish were invented to make us laugh did you? We have shitty senses of humor (see record-breaking opening weekend of Scary Movie), but we're not actually stupid enough to buy thousands of plastic singing fishes are we? That's the question our government asked in a ground-breaking sociological experiment where scientists released the Billy Bass to the public. Its arrival to the market coincided with a letter to the military reading,
"Dear military. I know you must get a lot of mail so thank you for reading this. We are from the other branch of the government that temporarily stopped making toilets that flush themselves to develop singing fish technology. If 2,000,000 of these units are sold, the American public will be officially declared uselessly (perhaps dangerously) stupid, and you can test whatever weapons you want on them. Thank you again. Enclosed: two chocolates & unicorn sticker."
Funtastic Fact #2: According to XXXXXXX.com customers, the Billy Bass' educational value rates 1.5 out of 5 stars. How does this affect your life? Well, not only are lots of people buying the fish, all of them find it at least a little bit educational. And I'd be very very careful who you talk to about that. Because the person who bought that fish is dangerous. And this buttoned-down oxford cloth psycho might just snap and then stalk from office to office with an Armalite AR-10 carbine-gas-powered semi-automatic weapon... pumping round after round into colleagues and co-workers. This might be someone you've known for years. Someone very... very close to you. Tyler's words coming out of my mouth. And I used to be such a nice guy.
You almost can't pick a product up without laughing out loud. A plastic bag will tell you not to put it in an infant's playpen. A bottle of detergent might tell you not to eat it. Who the fuck thought I was going to eat detergent? "Honey, this makes our glasses spot-free, and I bet it tastes great on a cracker!" Do the plastic bag manufacturers picture us standing around a playpen and deciding whether or not to decorate our babies' cribs with plastic bags?
Wife: "You know, sweetheart, it looks like the baby's crib needs a few more plastic bags."
Husband: "That's right, honey. And if we covered the entire bottom in choking hazard brand plastic bags, we wouldn't have to change the sheets for weeks! We could just tip the crib and let all that time-consuming babymess drain drain! drain!! away from our memories!"
Wife: "All that sheet changing. All that cleaning. How did we ever get by without plastic bag bedding?"
Husband: "Plus, they make a great dental dam to keep those sores of yours off my face!"
Ridiculous warning labels come from two places: fucking idiots and people pretending to be fucking idiots for the purposes of a lawsuit. If people find out you're intelligent, you're going to have a hard time convincing them that you didn't know it would hurt if you poured hot coffee on yourself. If you say something like that, you better follow it by saying, "UURBLLGGGG," blowing spit bubbles, and shitting in your pants. A non-idiot is never going to tell a room full of people that they ate an odor eater because "the box didn't tell them not to." No, if you managed to get to adulthood, chances are you've figured out what products kill you when you eat them, and what's okay to pour on yourself. It's only a matter of years before we won't even be able to watch TV because the screen will be obstructed by giant words saying, "DO NOT RAM HEAD THROUGH. NOT TO BE TAKEN INTERNALLY."
We don't listen to warning labels, and I can prove it. On every pack of cigarettes, it TELLS YOU IT'S GOING TO KILL YOU. This isn't a warning label on a plastic bag that was written by some asshole at the plastic bag factory. The warning on cigarettes comes from the Surgeon General. You can ignore advice from non-surgeons. If your stupid friend tells his girlfriend the key to curing her cold is plenty of rest and giving him head, she'll remind them, "Hey, you're not a doctor!" right before she gives him head. Well the Surgeon General is a doctor. In fact, they're the supreme commander of doctors. If doctors were to start a war against the bowlers or the bird watchers, the Surgeon General would have the biggest hat and stand at the back of the army shouting, "Hold the line, men! Take two of these FISTS and call me in the morning!" Read the pack of cigarettes. If the Surgeon General tells you something might kill you and give your future kids extra toes and eyes, listen to him. Do you need a warning from the Surgeon Jesus before you start taking advice?
The non-smoking commercials are actually funded by the company that makes cigarettes. It's like they're taunting us. Are they flash-framing subliminal messages at us? How can half the country smoke when the only thing on my TV is lists of tobacco death statistics. We know more about what cigarette does to the human body than than anyone knows about anything else. Unless you count my knowledge of Wonder Woman's breasts, and you don't.
They have to be mocking us. One of the commercials actually says "Tobacco is Wacko (if you're a teen)." That's the kind of shit you'd hear from a person in a fucking puppy costume. That's the kind of campaign that can get non-smokers called fags in their schools. Did the mormons decide to take over on the anti-smoking ads for a week or something? I know they did a great job spreading that crazy religion around the country, but getting cigarettes out of kids mouths is a lot harder than getting people to go to church. Church is seductive; you get everlasting life and those lenghty painful medical procedures are reduced to getting slapped in the head by a man on a stage. Convincing a kid to not smoke is a harder kind of mind control.People claimed Joe Camel marketed tobacco to kids. Bullshit. Think of all the forest fires that got started just to piss Smokey the Bear off. Kids hate you. They hate your irrational bitchy asses. Nicotine barely makes you high. You can smoke 50 cigarettes, and still get about as high as you would if you held your breath for half a minute. So they're not doing it to get high, and the fact that most of us are still sane after the Super Friends and the Banana Splits proves that kids don't base their lives on what cartoon animals say. Fuck Joe Camel. They're doing it because they know that if their lobbying parents are trying to get rid of something, it must kick ass. Cigarettes give you black lungs, shortness of breath, yellow teeth, your clothes smell like something you spilled on the stove, and then you die coughing forty years before your friends. The Surgeon General or a man in a puppy suit might have mentioned all that. But what they didn't mention was that cigarettes give your hands something to do when you're in a bar. People who don't smoke nervously fidget their hands around all night. Biology did what it could; it gave women breasts so man would have something to grab onto instead of fidgeting. This groping helps keep them from taking up smoking. So next time you're in a bar and a woman gets mad at you for pawing her chest, tell her to shut up. You're saving lives.
9/5/2005 6:20 am
niet, if it will help you to quit smoking by all means fondle away! hey, do you think that will work with my patients? wait..what am I saying? Job security! Smoke em if ya got em!! |
9/5/2005 6:42 am
I'm laughing so hard...I'm going to pee in my pants...after I dry off, I'm going to take a smoke break and "not" eat my stereo. Thanks!!|
9/5/2005 10:24 am
My all-time favorite warning label was when Clinque lip gloss still came in pots... Warning: For External Use Only. WTF? I shudder to think where inside people were putting lip gloss.|
Now, I would love to quit smoking. Honest I would. But after way too many tries and people asking me to start smoking again after my last attempt, I don't see it happening anytime soon. I wonder if they have a mother/son cancer ward out there somewhere.