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Searching Souls and Being Lost
Searching Souls and Being Lost
I found last night that my amazing abilities to read people's emotions and reactions are completely retarded when it comes to my own. I sat down in front of a mirror last night, watching every single emotion cross my face. Recent divorces, no matter how painless, can do that to you. Damned if I know what the hell is going on anymore.
It's funny, you know... that word, damned. I never took much stock in religion, and now I use that word all the time. What is being damned? Being forever lost, or forever given the opposite of what logic tells you should be your get, or perhaps even simply be ignored? You get married and get all the attention you ever need, and more on top of that. Get divorced, and suddenly, no matter who's to blame, and you are damaged goods. It's like the world sort of ignores your existance for a while... the loudest noises you make have the volume turned down, the slightest whispers completely missed.
Until one person comes along, or two, or three... they look at you, and you've been ignored for quite some time now, so you tend to wonder almost distrustfully that they are only taking pity on you, and as soon as they mend your broken wing they'll toss you out the window so you can fly on your own. But then again, that could be perfectly normal human paranoia talking.
...or screaming at the top of it's lungs.
My little sister and I were talking today. Okay, she's not -really- my little sister, but I've been looking after her for about 5 years now, and will even give her away on the 15th to her hubby-to-be (if her father is unable to attend... won't go into that... long and convoluted story there). Anyhow, I digress. Sister and I were today discussing my choices of the last few months. On the one hand, she's proud of me for diving back into life with a lust and zest for it that seems to be making everyone around me enjoy life more fully themselves. On the other hand, she notes the hollow in my heart, that scarred, mishapen lump of muscle in my chest, and points out that my depression is only cheapening my experiences of late.
Is she right? Hell, I don't know. If I even really knew who I was anymore, I'd be able to tell. Unfortuantely, I only have an idea of who I am... The only way to figure out whether or not an Idea is indeed the Truth is to test it. Have I been testing myself, and not just looking for fun? I may very well have. Does that mean I've used people along the way, and made their lives just a little more tacky for having known me? If I used them, yes. If not, then no. Did I use them?
THAT is the question.
Am I using people... a difficult question indeed. If so, then it flies in the face of everything I've grown up believing and everything for which I've fought and felt pain. People are not to be used. A toaster is to be used. A condom is to be used. People - living, breathing, carbon-based beings - have feelings and emotions no matter how much you try to separate them from any encounter.
And I think I've used them.
With that in mind, now comes the time for making amends. I've used friends as painkillers, distractions, and other various reasons with little more than a thank you and unspoken "I owe you one" in return. For this I apologize, and it truly is heartfelt. I don't mean to use people, and I make no excuses for it. Each thing I've done in recent weeks has been a conscious decision. I have no one to blame for my actions accept myself. All that is left now is the hope for forgivness for having done so.
Where to go from here? Anywhere... everywhere... enjoy life without using people. Learn to enjoy what is in front of me, not what I think I can get. Accept what is offered greatfully, and not try to take more.
Breathe. Grin. Laugh. Play.
...Eat. Sleep. Work. Budget.
12/13/2005 7:14 pm
It is not uncommon for those with sensitive souls to be more able to read other people’s emotions more than their own… It is more of a survival tactic then an ability. A tactic to avoid what one really feels, a tactic to trick one’s self into believing that they can separate themselves from those emotions and feelings that torment them inside. |
When one goes through any major event in their life - divorce, death of a loved one, war ‒ you distance yourself from the plethora of emotions these events bring. Trick yourself into believing that it doesn’t affect you. Convince yourself that even though the world may be tumbling down around you, you are happy, content, unaffected by it.
Then one act or one event or one conversation will bring all those feelings to the forefront. It may be an unexpected friendship, a comment from an old friend, a moment of realization that yes… your are human and yes… these emotions exist and are very real.
This realization can be very confusing…. You… the one who was strong and confident … now you doubt yourself, your motives, your feelings…
Many believe that it is typical of human nature to blame others… but I believe it is just as typical to blame ourselves for actions and feelings that are in essence “blameless”.
What is “using people”?
Is calling a friend for needed comfort using them?
Is finding someone who will embrace you and make you feel whole again using them?
Does it matter what your intentions are? What about their intentions… do those count?
I tend to disagree with your statement “people are not to be used”…. People are to be used… otherwise we would be useless… a child “uses” his mother to survive… a friend “uses” another for comfort… a student “uses” a teacher for learning…. a lover “uses” their partner for pleasure…
When does using people become bad? When your intentions are to hurt them or deceive them, when your dishonest, when you are the only one who receives benefit from the situation… this is the only time you would need to make amends…
Where do you go from here??? I don’t know… only you can answer that… but I do know that all you can do is go forward…. You can’t look back… can’t change was has been done… what you have done… what has been done to you… it’s in the past…
Believe me… in addition to your comments….
Breathe. Grin. Laugh. Play. ...Eat. Sleep. Work. Budget. Live.
You will wonder, worry, cry, suffer…. It is all part of the gift and curse we call life….