The late great me: A brief account of actual events  

newfornow22 33F
270 posts
2/7/2006 10:32 am

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

The late great me: A brief account of actual events

I thought today i would write about myself, on an intimate level. Facing my fears, facing those skeletons rarely seen.
I pride myself on being, well, unlike so many others. I lived as a kid with big huge elephants packed into these small rooms with all of us, me and my family. I mean, these huge elephants were suffocating every one, but no one could talk about it. No matter how obvious or potentially life threatening the elephant might be.
Every where was a secret no one could bear to uncover. As a result, I spent several years very secretive and I had become a master deceiver, I was trained to cover for my family at any cost.
It felt by about 13 that my whole life was one big huge lie, I didn't know where one begain and where the other left off. I didn't know what was true and what was not. At that age, I was completely out of control, and willingly so.
I was a big ball of coiled hate. I had actual physical problems as a result of my growing despise and dislike for myself. It was around that time that I developed a compulsion to tell it like it is and be open when no one else is. To be the one thing in this world that is exactly what it appears to be, to eliminate the elephants and broken people from my life. A compulsion that has never left me. And perhaps has become stronger than it was at my initial resolve. But I was still a mess, and it showed.
As well as several drug addictions rapidly spinning out of my control, I had severe insomnia, sexual addiction issues,self mutilation tendencies, various forms of masochism, and an eating disorder that came from no where and left a devastating wake.
At my highest I weighed 260 lbs. I didn't eat, I didn't sleep, I didn't know why I had started gaining and just didn't quit. I felt terrible, but at least, I felt invisible, and that to me was better than being alive. Doctors saw me, had their various crack pot theories and were of no help, and actually they made the problem worse.
Putting me on a very high dose of diuretics, to cause my body to flush water and not keep it. As quickly as I had gained the last 60 lbs (3months) I lost 150. In 3 months. And then there was the on going struggle to keep weight on. Either because of the insane meds they were giving me or the high stress, my stomach became a solid ball of clenching muscle, and very little if any food could fit. I had to start seeing a natural diet ition and now I live on supplements and fluids. I eat no more than 5 or 6 times a month, and actually now, at this place, I feel better than I ever have. I didn't like being thin,because of the way people treat you, and I didn't like being huge for the same reasons.
This is why probably, I am so surprised and shocked and flattered when complimented in anyway.
It still feels so strange to me. Bur make no mistake, it is very much appreciated.
And thank you for that.
So here i am, 22, alive, well, thriving. My past behind me, my future ahead. Some thought it unlikely, in fact, I became aware later that my family had actually bet what kid would end up hung in the garage. Or dead from jumping off a bridge, (before they reached a certain age)and they one they chose,was me. A fact that to this day still stings, even when I know it shouldn't.
So I feel that at this time in my life I have reached a comfortable level with myself. Though all my issues are not completely resolved I have gotten the better of most of the blatant self destruction i indulged in constantly before. And every day feels like a breath of fresh air.

rm_map577 68M

2/7/2006 8:41 pm

you sound like you have a good handle on it now. keep the spirits up don't get down. if you need someone to talk to get ahold of me. your a great gal. lolmap

rm_KnowStuff 56M
240 posts
2/8/2006 1:45 am

You are far better than you think and more important than you know for reasons you likely will never understand.

rm_spydr1222 57M

2/8/2006 7:29 am

man you have come along way.i deffently(spelling)would like to get together and just talk?i like how open you are,what a refreshing out look on things soon.i will be CD'A on saturday afternoon if you would like to have lunch?

Guy1378Fox 46M

2/8/2006 10:50 am

I can relate to self-esteem issues. It seems, growing up everything I did was either wrong or not good enough, at least according to my parents. In the past I had problems with self-esteem, stress, anxiety attacks, and clinical depression. I have made a lot of progress since then. I am spending as much time as possible with friends and as little as possible with my parents. Though, some things are hard to let go of. I am still working on overcoming some bad choices I made in who I worked for. A false negative work reference is illegal, but very difficult to do anything about.
(You deserve compliments.) I think you are beautiful, mentally and physically.

newfornow22 33F

2/8/2006 3:24 pm

Spydr~< Lunch? I cant eat lunch, lol.
Its ok though, Id like to meet you. Write me and I'll give you my number. We can walk on the beach

newfornow22 33F

2/12/2006 11:40 pm

Aw, Fox, you sweety!
Thanks for sharing, i am honored that you would.

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