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I wanna be Adored
I wanna be Adored
'I don't have to sell my soul, he's already in me, I wanna be Adored'
I listened to this song last night and it got me thinking. Do I need to be adored ? no.
Do I need to understand what it is to be wanted ? in marrige, no, in life, YES.
I would love to know what it is like to hit a home run to win run in the World Series, score the winning goal for England in the World Cup, play for Arsenal in a cup final. Yes, that would all be unbelivable, but that is not the adoration I am looking for. This is different. I would give anything to FEEL like my talents, my ideas, my imagination is wanted. I have seen my career, and all I have worked for go down the tubes and why ? I don't know. Fuck the sex site thing, I don't care about that at the moment. Yes I started this blog to explore my 'other side' but it has changed into something cathartic, something that I need to understand and write down that I am feeling. And at the moment I'm not feeling too good.
'I don't have to sell my soul, he's already in me'
What is in mje at the moment ? fear and lothing, I'm bloody scared for the future and regretfull about the past. What I don't understand is how all I have worked for in the last 10 years can have suddenly fallen away into a pile of dust. The hopes of a few months ago are now distent pipe dreams, the success and long tained memory. Jobs arn't everything right ? well they are when your job is creative and no-one wants you anymore. Its you that is not wanted, not your skills, but you, your ideas and vision.
I am an artist, not professionally, I'm a TV researcher/producer/director professionally, but even as an artist I find myself increasingly more and more critical of my own work to the poinjt then it is self destructive.
So what do I do ? I try to work as meay hours as possible, in a low paid job, I had to take, to earn enough money to pay the mortgage. I'm 35 years of age and see no future for me or my artist vision of the world, both in work or in private.
So I just plug away, trying to keep my head above water and hope things will get better. My wife is understanding, she should leave me as I am nothing really, a crossdressing nothing as well !
So yes 'I wanna be adored'
Winning the lottery would help as well !
I know that when the majority of people read this they will give up after the first paragraph. I certainly won't get any comments and I don't really care. I don't want to be adored in that way, selling my soul so I can boost up my ratings. NO ! I just want to be respected for doing a good job and being a resonably good artist.
4/7/2006 8:17 am
Not to sound soddish, but Joy Division was always better than Stone Roses.|
Recognize and Realize.
"My every move is a calculated step, to bring me closer to embrace an early death." -Tupac Shakur