Birthday AND Depression at the same time???  

ThumbChickStool 33F
541 posts
9/14/2005 12:45 am

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

Birthday AND Depression at the same time???

::Sigh:: Some days I wish I wasn't so afraid. It would make some stuff so much easier. But, there are certain things that run in both sides of my family and that is what has me scared.

There is a long history of depression, schizophrenia, and bi-polar disorder on my mother's side of the family. I've lost several relatives that I've only met once if at all the the depression monster.
And my mother is scary on one of her highs, she'll be cleaning the grout of her tile floors with nothing but a spray bottle of cleaning solution and a toothbrush. I've seen her re-paint all the floor boards in her huge house because they didn't look clean enough. Or she spent several hours scrub cleaning the legs of her chairs because she had the energy and they 'looked' dirty to her.
But her downs are just as bad. She'll lie in bed, only getting up to use the restroom. She'll have a pack of cigarettes and a lighter next to the bed. My sisters will have to bring her coffee to go with the cigarettes, my mom never eats. She won't even sit up if she doesn't have to. There have been times that she just passed out for a whole day, maybe even two.

I've been diagnosed with clinical depression since I was 12 years old. My mom blames the divorce, I blame the age and different circumstances at any given time. But then my mom started using pills to take care of everything. I used several anti-depressants because she kept urging the doctor to prescribe them to me. She thought maybe they would help make me 'normal'.
What is normal? Last time I checked, normal was not having 15 different pills prescribed for one person. She had uppers for when she was down, downers for when she was up, pills for anxiety, pills for paranoia, pills for her stomach, pills to give her energy (she can legally take speed because of the prescription), and pills to help her sleep. Why would I want to have the same dependency on pills? Because I was only 12 and don't know any better. I had no choice. My mother and the doctor knew better.

I HATED those pills. Hated them with a passion. The first one we tried deprived me of my appetite, I went almost three months barely eating anything. The next one made me overly aggressive, I almost beat my mother once. A third pill made me incredibly apathetic, I just couldn't care about anything. A fourth pill made me overly tired, I was sleeping through almost all of my classes. The fifth pill kept me wide awake, I was going two to three days without sleep and I didn't notice any of the usual sleep deprivation symptoms. The last pill we tried was still in it's experimental stages, and the worst side effect was my being completely unsexual. I was dating my first fiance (he hadn't proposed yet) when I was on this pill. And nothing he did could turn me on. I finally just stopped taking the pills.

I've never been so depressed that I'd become suicidal, but I would spend so much time in my room with the radio on that my mother worried. I had to keep reminding her, I'm not the suicidal one. My younger sister was. I didn't consider ending my life, but I did often wonder what if I just gave up? What if I just stayed in bed, and refused to leave, refused to get up and go through the motions of living? I slept constantly, neglected school work, my chores. I would screen my phone calls, and if my mother told me one of my friends was looking for me, I wouldn't even answer her.

And now I feel these familiar patterns overcoming me. It's an ongoing battle. I almost dropped out of college because it was too much for me, and this at a time when my classes were getting harder. After my daughter was born, I fought hard to combat the post-partum depression. I almost lost the battle. I did get down, and tried to avoid my daughter, but we are still trying to figure out if it was post-partum or if it was just me trying to deny that I had a child. She was an accident in every sense of the word. But she is here, and I love her dearly. She'll get a smile out of me more often than not now. I almost fell in the abyss when my son was born, but we were living with my mother and she helped me deal (even though she kept offering me some of her pills for whatever ailment I had).

After I was sexually assaulted last year, I was ready to give up and give in. If I had the option to just lay in bed and not do anything, I would have. But I had to take care of the children, and I couldn't indulge in the impulse. It was very bad. He's being charged with sexual assault with a deadly weapon, breaking and entering with a deadly weapon, first degree kidnapping, burglary in the first, and gross and lewd conduct. It was bad. I'm still trying to deal with it, and my therapist helps me.

In fact, my therapist helps me with a lot of things. She is helping stave off the demon of depression. And I am very glad that she cannot prescribe anything. It makes my stance on not taking pills easier. But I can feel it creeping up on me. I can feel the old symptoms of the beast once more: the lack of appetite, the desire to sleep all day, impatience with others happening again. And all this days before my birthday.

Yes, today is my birthday. I am turning 22, and I'm not excited about it. I usually am excited, bugging everyone one about what we are doing or what they are going to get me. I love planning and hoping. For my 20th birthday, I had my mom buy me a Disney Princess cake, and Disney Princess decorations just because I am a Disney Princess. For my 21st, my husband sent me to the Billy Idol concert at the Mandalay Bay Beach. (I LOVE Billy Idol. For a man his age, OMG!) And this year... no clue. Ok, I lied. I do have a clue.

We are going to Drai's, inside the Barbary Coast Casino. I have been dying to go there. We were going to try and get into Mesa Grill inside Caesars, but they are booked up. So far, it looks like it's going to be my husband, me, three or four of his coworkers, and my girlfriend Raquel (those of you who read my blog know about her already). We're going to get some drinks before dinner, and then maybe go back to my husband's co-worker's house to hang out and drink some more. I'm hoping for presents of some sort, but I don't think they realize how much of a kid I can be. I don't think I'm going to get a cake either, and that's very sad for me. I have a tradition of eating a slice of cake for those who can't, namely the men and women who died on 9/11/01 since it's only three days before my birthday.

All in all, Happy Birthday to me. And I hope the depression monster dies soon. I'm tired of fighting him.

Mikewantsfun2005 53M
4 posts
9/14/2005 2:06 am

You need a man to take care of you. I can be that man. I know that there is a lot of passion in you. You are like a diamond coated in mud. Wash away the mud---and wow!

DefiniteTrouble 50F

9/14/2005 2:51 am

First, Happy Birthday sweet girl! I hope your excitement builds throught the day and you can shake off your blues and kick your heels up.

Second, I've never openly admitted this in my blog, but now seems an appropriate time. Your narrative hits close to in my own household. Manic-depression runs rampant throughout my Dad's family, as well as panic/anxiety and bi-polar. I won't go into detail for now, as I want to keep this on a light note. If you need someone to talk know where to find me.

Again...HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! (hugs)

ThumbChickStool 33F

9/14/2005 10:53 am

Thanks you two!

Mike- if you think I'm passionate when I'm fighting the monster, you should watch out when I'm not! I've got a man, but I don't let him know what's going on. That's just my old habit of keeping stuff to myself.

DT- You vixen! I'm always amazed when one of the four of you show up in my blog. Ya'll are virtual celebrities to me! On a darker note, I've noticed most people do have a history of some sort of illness or another in their family, so it makes me wonder if anyone is truely 'mental illness free'. And thanks for the birthday wishes. ::accepts DT's hug::

rm_sj365 55F
2414 posts
9/14/2005 8:44 pm

native - have the happiest of birthdays! I wish I could bake you a cake....but you're far away...and I cant bake

Keep fighting the fight...when you tire of it, rest for a little while. The world will still be waiting for you when you come back ready to do battle again. How very very brave of you to reveal this side of yourself... and how very wise for one so young. I wanna hug you too! ..if DT would just let go for a second!


(Princess Lips)

9/15/2005 6:16 am

Happy Birthday-
wishing you inner peace ..


ThumbChickStool 33F

9/15/2005 1:59 pm

SJ- Don't worry about the cake. The restaurant had an amazing chocolate torte! I wish I had the option to give up, but I have two kids and my husband won't watch them. And I'd accept that hug, but DT's got a bit of a choke hold! lol

Princess- I'll gladly accept the inner peace. Can you point me to the nearest Guru?

ThumbChickStool 33F

9/15/2005 6:43 pm

Thanks guys. I look up to all of you, since you are virtual celebrities, at least to me. And I appreciate the birthday wishes, thanks.

Synn74 42F
1206 posts
9/15/2005 8:39 pm

native welcome to my world my bday was monday and i too struggle daily with the demons..i'm in a battle now in which I'm mood is cantankerous and i'm a bitch but yet I feel as if I'M DYING INSIDE and there's not a damn person around to pull me out and the only way to breathe is to grit my teeth.. hugs.. AND HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY

I welcome you to the House of Syn...

ThumbChickStool 33F

9/15/2005 10:39 pm

You too Synn. I've been feeling bitchy today, so it's definately getting worse. Let's go have an ice cream binge party to celebrate our birthdays together.

Become a member to create a blog