I understand,but it doesn't help.  

nakedforurplsr 64M
9 posts
9/6/2005 4:58 pm

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

I understand,but it doesn't help.


I finally viewed my loss of the greatest love that I've ever had from her side. All I could see before, was MY side. I do understand why she broke off with me now. Leaving both of us with so much pain to bare in our hearts and souls. I did tell her too, that I now understand, but it still doesn't make it any easier. You see this woman taught me how to love. I never knew how before. Now its been two months and I still can not get her out of my mind. I have been married for 30 years knowing that I wasn't in love with my wife. But, the way I feel about this woman, is the way my wife feels about me. I never wanted to hurt her. But, I told her I wanted out of our marriage. That was July 23. Since the beginning of July, that's when my lover told me we couldn't be together anymore, my life has been spiraling down into a depression that I can't seem to shake. Here she was 30yrs late to enter my life, she arrives, we fall in love, and we have to stop seeing each other so we don't hurt anyone else, or ourselves anymore. But to me, everything in my world has changed. I don't want to be with my wife. But I know there is no possible way my x-lover would ever take me back. She has already found and is falling for another man. The best I'm going to do is be remembered as a gentle warm summer breeze in ancient history. I don't even have a shot at regaining any of her love or continuing a relationship with her. So what do you do? I ask myself. Well, you try and save your marriage. But, I am not happy with my marriage. I love someone else. So here it is, a constant state of wanting to be able to hold my x-lover in my arms again, to be able to kiss her soft, warm, wonderful lips and watch her melt into my arms. BUT it is a Fantasy! Its never going to happen again!! I know that she will think of me at times, with loving thoughts I hope,but she is gone from my life!!!! Its like a death, but you learn to accept that I think. With love and life, you know its still out there, you just can't have it anymore. And someone else can. It is driving me totally insane and has completely drained all my emotions. So I go on living a lie so as to not hurt anyone else in my life, because that's what is expected of you. I've already scarred my wife by telling her I want to leave, but not telling her the true reason why. Which is, that I love someone else and had an affair for a year but she doesn't want me either. That is too much pain for her. If its just that I want to leave maybe she could carry on, but not to tell her the truth. That would kill her. I don't want to hurt her anymore. Emotional pain is unbelievable. Anyone who has been there knows that pain. I know my x-lover does. But she has found someone else to fill in and try to make a new life with. Maybe that's what I have to try and do. But I don't want to do it with my wife! Maybe I need to find a new lover who I don't have any secrets with like my X. There are too many secrets with my wife because I don't love her. This is one of them. AdultFriendFinder. She found out about it so I created a new profile and let her watch me delete it. So she thinks its gone, but its not. My x-lover knew about it from the start and kinda got into it with me a little. Now she is on it , and never looks at me on here. I guess she chats with other men, as I try to chat with other women. She has much more willpower to stay away from me than I do to stay away from her. I look at her profile every time I am able to log on to AdultFriendFinder in hopes that she sent me a wink or a note or something. In the beginning there was, but nothing in 6 or 7 weeks now. She is putting me out of site and therefore mind. I can't blame her either. She needs to get on with her life. Just wish I could of been that part. Now I am just mentally exhausted as too what to do. Maybe find someone to have sex with before I go totally nuts. I still can't do it with my wife. We've tried, just can't stay hard for her. I keep thinking of my X and how great it was.

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