Ladies Are These Really FUNNY or TOO TRUE ??  

mygmyg 59M
483 posts
7/30/2005 1:55 pm

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

Ladies Are These Really FUNNY or TOO TRUE ??


Thought this would bring a smile and a knowing smirk of joy to some of you Ladies! From a Friend, obviously one of the pursued, Like all of you!!

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt.
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to Me,
"What setting do I use on the washing machine?" "It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?" He yelled back,
"University of Oklahoma." And they say blondes are dumb...

A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world" The woman says, "I'll miss you..."
"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.

He said - Since I first laid eyes on you, I have wanted tomake love to you really badly. She said - Well, you succeeded.

He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said - That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.

He said - What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you? She said - Turn sideways and look in the mirror

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitiveman?
A: A rumor

A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish.
The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.
Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in herhands.
The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger...
Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!!
Gotta love that fairy!

AND THE BEST ONE YET...
A WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST:
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton

A PRAYER....
Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods.
Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.
AMEN
Q: What should you do if you see your ex-husband rolling around in pain on the ground?
A: Shoot him again.

Q: How can you tell when a man is well hung?
A: When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.

Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.

Q: How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: one-he just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him. OR Three-one to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.
Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

Q: Why does it take 100,000,000 sperm to fertilize one egg?
A: Because not one will stop and ask directions.

Q: Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
A: To stop the snoring before it starts.

Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

Q: What is the difference between men and women?
A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants everywoman to satisfy his one need.

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"

rm_lovelyLady 64F
434 posts
7/30/2005 5:56 pm

Most of these are great - thanks mygmyg
Where do you find the good ones? The jokes I usually come across are just too corny to repeat...!

Thanks for the chuckles

XOXO LL


DirtyLilSecret61 55F

7/31/2005 5:01 am

Oh my gosh ... now this is all just too priceless. Thank you for starting off my Sunday morning with many chuckles!

"Lil"


rm_lovelyLady 64F
434 posts
7/31/2005 3:56 pm

How about some more??

Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.

When on the ladder of success, don't let boys look up your dress!

Some say the glass is half empty, some say the glass is half full, I say, are you going to drink that?
Lisa Claymen

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
Robert A. Heinlein

USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.
David Letterman

The fact that no one understands you doesn't make you an artist.

Suburbia is where the developer bulldozes out the trees, then names the streets after them.

What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
Claustrophobic.

Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies.
Woody Allen

Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy.
Albert Einstein

When a ladder was stolen from a store the manager said that further steps would be taken

I was so poor growing up ... if I wasn't a boy ...I'd have nothing to play with.
Rodney Dangerfield


silkysmoothlegs3 105F

8/6/2005 4:08 am

lol cool. loved those one liners


2ofusfor3 53M/48F

8/6/2005 1:53 pm

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"

Got it! Thank you!


helga_hansen 49F  
1987 posts
8/7/2005 11:17 am

It's nice to meet a man who can laugh at himself... you are laughing, aren't you??

Hx

Love, hugs and kisses from ♥♥HH♥♥


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