read a bit about me .. and see  

myfingersmells1 42F
575 posts
10/25/2005 10:56 am

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

read a bit about me .. and see


I did not expect that I would see so much change in my life. I am a different person than I was before I left the US. I always knew that change is the stimulation for most of my growth. I have often said to others that the experiences that I have found to be the most difficult make for the most growth. My lifestyle and choices have changed during my year in Central America, but in a way that I never imagined. While in outside the country, I explored a part of my persona that I did not know existed. I drank, partied and had sex with whomever I wanted, whenever I wanted it.
Of course, I am older than I was before I left. My insights into life itself have grown. I pushed myself so I have examined my personal values. What would cause me to change so much? I went from cerebral to sensual ‒ from thinking to feeling ‒ from dreaming to doing! I questioned my very being. I found myself more interested in sex than I ever thought possible.
I am a woman that has moved beyond my basic self-discovery. I knew that I desired the physical touch and taste of a man. Now, I find myself wanting the sensual scent of sex. Rather than thinking about it, I found myself doing what I desired. I changed! I began responding to my wants more than my thoughts! For the first time, I enjoyed the physical part of sex with men I hardly knew. I often had second thoughts about my choice the morning after. I often felt as if I had done something wrong. The dilemma has been - what feels so right at night, can make me question my own morals. Why is it that when I have had sex, I love it; yet I felt so empty and lonely after the man has left my bed?
Now I talk and think about sex openly. Sex ‒ a topic of thought that I was so distant ‒ and now I find so intriguing. I knew I wanted to know, but knew not what was to come. I had no idea that sex could be such a part of life. I had no concept of how much I would enjoy sex. My encounters have been enough to take care of my carnal desires, for the moment. They have been satisfying for the most part. I have found what turns me on, how to allow myself to enjoy an orgasm with a man and even how to make myself cum.
I had never had the chance to have sex at the time and place of my choosing ‒ I often had the desire but not the partner! There were times there the man was wanting but I had no need to have sex with them.
Oh, when I was younger, how I longed to find the man to take my precious maidenhead ‒ there were opportunities. There were men in during my year study abroad that I thought might be my teacher. It was not the first time I thought I might loose my virginity. There were “offers” during my years in high school. As I traveled, I met men that might have been my first. My want of that one in the Mid West went unrequited. I questioned why that was not the right time? Now I find sex enjoyable and attractive.
I have had occasions when I wanted sex with a man but it did not produce the results I had imagined. I find that there are men that are not as capable as my needs and desires dictate. Sex can be satisfying but not always memorable. I have become more casual in my selection of partners because I have desires that I want fulfilled. Now, there is a lust behind my beating breast!
What am I to become? I am a single woman, looking for the man in my life. I continue to enjoy my sexual releases whenever I want them. I want to settle down with one man that will satisfy me. I want him to be bigger and stronger than I am. He must enjoy the culture I find so attractive. He should lust after me!
I want men to find me attractive enough to pursue. I know I am a strong woman. I question my inner self, overpowering my outer beauty. I want to know that a man will smell my sexual desire when I want a simple fuck. I want to be satisfied when the occasion is mine to choose.
These changes occurred in the past few years. I became a completed woman and life accelerated! My sexual fantasies became reality and I chose to have it whenever I wanted it. I found myself in the arms of my lover of the moment; enjoying the sexual experiences I had denied myself for those many years.
My sex had always been private. I was uncomfortable having sex when I know others could hear or see me. The act of sex has always been so personal. Although I became free with my body ‒ more so than ever, I did not think I was ready to have sex when someone else is a party to it. I had hardly been comfortable enough to talk about it with many others. I then found that I could be more open and enjoy my body in the face of others. The community of my life became a communal experience of naked bodies and sex.
Sex became just a part of life. I shared my body with men, when is suited me. I found others were even more casual about it than I. The communal nature of our group made for interesting thoughts as I found myself not interested in sharing sex while others were having it.
I shared my inner thoughts and experiences regarding casual sex with my friend as she offered knowledge and insight. I shared a bit with my brother about my life, as he has been my dearest friend and will not judge me.
I opened the door to two of my roommates and we came close to having a threesome. That was the first time I considered having someone else witness one of my sexual encounters. I understood that part of that activity was the voyeuristic part of watching someone else enjoying sex. The interesting part was that there would be one man and the other woman for me to watch and each would be watching me. We pushed the chance to explore this activity by taking a vacation together at a remote place ‒ an island where we could explore each other in private, with drink, the sun and the moon as our only clothing. The excitement was over each of those potential encounters ‒ and in front of another. I have changed and I like what I am!
I have had to confront some issues that are difficult for me.
My friend got pregnant and did not want to continue the relationship with the father. She talked with me about abortion and we shared our insights of “what if” until she was more resigned to the termination of the pregnancy. She went to the States to have her abortion ‒ we all stayed in Central America and had her in our thoughts. I wondered what if that were me?

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