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My most active weekend ever!
My most active weekend ever!
ONE ESPECIALLY ACTIVE WEEKEND
I had one very active weekend during my most recent year outside the country.
A group of us (my house mates and others) would often go to the beach on weekends ‒ I love the water! I got into body boarding and began to surf as well. We drank and played around as a group with whomever was there.
The thought of having two men on one 24 - hour period had not ever entered my mind ‒ until it happened! I found it easy to meet men as I played at the ocean. I feel comfortable there.
That weekend tempted me to redefine chastity so I could still count myself in. I surprised myself, and I wondered “was I really who I think I was?”
Was I being deliberately hypocritical in some respects, or have I been fooling myself and there’s no need to be surprised?
What exactly were my ideas concerning casual sex?
How could you incriminate yourself if you’re not exactly sure what your convictions are in the first place?
The only reason I discuss it is because I find that after these sexual encounters I was lonely– with that little loneliness you usually feel afterwords at some point, but that usually gets washed away clean with the memory tide of how fun it was, and the mischievous suspicion that you really have got something good for free.
And it is free sometimes. Quite free.
(Sex with freedom ‒ I never thought I would enjoy such thoughts for myself!)
And I know I’m smarter than to go looking in the wrong places for the right things, but I’m beginning to suspect that chastity in my world is a matter of moderation, like sobriety.
If I didn’t want the real money, coming into a bunch of counterfeit wouldn’t bother me. Perhaps non-committal sex is a good solution for the angst that builds up over time, but just doesn’t work as a lifestyle. Being with different people has its perks. The unknown is so exciting. But that’s certainly not closer to the real thing, is it?
I had sex with two men in one weekend.
The first was the National Body Boarding Champion. We went skinny dipping in the ocean. If I were to define non-committal sex ‒ this would be the picture next to whatever the words in print. I don’t think we’ve ever had a conversation. “Hello, nice to see you” doesn’t count. This was my first real “sport fuck”.
He was a member of the ultra-sexy category of people; I think I am not. Which makes me wonder why it happened. Availability. Moments. Water.
Unfortunately, the alcohol affected his performance, and although being in the surf was an unusual challenge, the novelty of it, the open air, the movement and the moon made our behavior seem natural to me and right. Fucking in the ocean at night in the waves was almost beyond surreal ‒ His hard body and my naked soul ‒ He kept trying to stay inside me ‒ while the waves pushed us around. I had to work very hard to get myself off! And of course ‒ no condoms involved for this impromptu romp in the sea!
The second of course was the party man. His car died on his way back to the mountains, so he broke into our apartment through the kitchen window. We found him watching CNN when we got home from the beach.
And I even thought before hand, why am I going to sleep with him? I don’t need to.
I have had a good orgasm and do not need a man right now.
But how could I turn it down?
Get It While You Can.
What is it that justifies a one-night stand that can’t seem to translate to the extended version? I guess a fuck is just a fuck. The excitement of sleeping with any guy is gone as there is no commitment on either side of the “relationship” ‒ so there is also no excitement about the novelty of it.
I don’t know what I complained about. I complained when I don’t get sex. And now I’m complaining anyway. (Although at this point, option B is still preferable.) And I didn’t want to start identifying with ANY of those pulpy representations of young women looking for good men. I want my story to be better. Sexier, faster, fuller, wiser. And I know it won’t be. It’ll be just like everybody else’s.
I’m on the same hamster wheel of unpredictable encounters inside the same glass walls of a culture not long liberated by the economic success of the work-a-day minded middle classes from the conveniences and inconveniences of early, arranged marriages. I’m compromising myself and enjoying myself, just like on TV.
The only thing saving me is my question: What are the proper proportions? How’ll I mix it, my experimental cocktail of Everclear contrition and carnal juice?
Why do I even feel contrite? What is it about my actions I don’t agree with?
Is it just cultural baggage that I can dismiss? Is it the double standard? Or am I selling out cheap? But what am I selling?
Chastity. Being chaste is a virtue. And virtues are stepping-stones on the path towards abundance.
And I thought it exciting that I could be wanted by two different men in such a short period of time. To be wanted was a dream. To feel the desire of a man has turned me into a woman that lusts for the feeling of skin ‒ and enjoys the sensation of the sun on my body. To share the two in one day was a wonderful turn on. To be wanted by men that were sexy and attractive was a surprise. To hook up with two men in such quick succession was nearly overwhelming!
Yet, it left me empty. Was it the men, the sex without commitment or just me?
I asked my girlfriend about her thoughts on chastity and she responded that it was a matter of degree ‒ lust and pleasure were human nature, but the degree to which we exercise that activity was the definition of chastity. Does that make me chaste or lustful?
There was a time when the thought of two men in pursuit of me was beyond my wildest dreams. Then I found it perfect! I should be chased after ‒ I should be able to choose the partner for my enjoyment.
I do find that I am attractive, sexually exciting and I am becoming good lover!
12/20/2005 8:00 am
Wow! Great insights!|
I am looking at myself through different eyes as you comment on my blog.
I will continue to post my writings from the past few years as I am learning about myself through material like yours.
12/19/2005 6:44 pm
So, what is this obsession with chastity? Where does it come from? You are the same age as me. I've been married and getting sex for almost 13 years. Is there some reason you should suppress the same desires that benefit me? In fact, my hubby actually seems to prefer the new me...the me who is interested in sex and can have it at the drop of a hat, because I am sexually alive, because sex has become more interesting, because I am having it with more men than just him. I'll recommend you a good book that I am reading right now. It is a great read. I don't agree with everything in it. Some of it is terribly self centered, other parts, I think are in denial of human nature (the part where it more or less is saying we don't need couples, we are all independently whole), but overall, it is a thought provoking book and worth reading. It's called "The Ethical Slut." |
Well, that's my .02 for now!
You might want to know who to watch out for around here: Are YOU a Dirty Bad Man or Woman? !
Please tell me the secrets of your sex appeal Primping!
And a MUST READ: [post 2294897]
Just shamelessly pimping my own damned blog!