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MY EARLY THOUGHTS
I did not learn of my lust as early as many of my friends. I was always saving my precious virginity. My upbringing, my faith and my fears lead me to keep my legs together when I was wanting, my mind occupied when my heart was pounding and my spirit directed when I was tempted. I was taught that giving myself away to a man was a big decision. I know that my first love, an older high school classmate, made an impression on me as he chased me while with another woman. He created a child with her while in pursuit of me. He used sex as a release for himself and never understood the needs as a lover.
My mother enjoys sex and so does her husband. They are playing with each other all the time and I could hear their lovemaking at night when I was supposed to be asleep. I carried these thoughts to college with me, as I had not had my first lover when I left for college and my real adventures away from home.
University life was less then satisfying sexually. My education was slow as I wan unwilling to jump into bed with a man that just wanted sex. There were plenty of dates and parties. I found that to be the normal approach! It repulsed me. I wanted commitment and love. They wanted sex and a good time.
My studies abroad had its men; men trying to kiss me in a bar or just kissing me on New Years Eve or Christmas. I danced with men and played with them, but never found the one that would me my first at those cheap nights out.
My first real experience after university had chances as well for sex. I was afraid of it however, as the consequences of sexual activity are severe in that environment. I knew of women that were having unprotected sex with African men. I wondered if they were living a death wish. If I took a lover there, it meant everyone in town would know. No privacy was available, so sex could only happen away from the village. Larger cities were my other choices and no men met my requirements! I did not want to fuck my students! The local government officials were always propositioning me.
Upon my return to the States, mom introduced me to a man that taught dance. I took a few classes with her, and then moved onto my agenda to get him in bed. I had sex with him the night I was arrested. I was ready ‒ condoms in my purse and everything. We had a motel room had enjoyed each other once and then went out for a drink. I had sex with him that one time and then I lost the chance to enjoy him again! I thought we were close to the motel ‒ and then the lights in the back window ‒ I was with a black man and got arrested for drunk driving. All I wanted was that black cock inside me again and again! I so wanted to feel the hard purple head penetrate the lips of my cunt all night long. Desire and drink moved me to try for him ‒ and I paid a price I had not expected. Once out of jail I went back to his place and we were able to finish what we started ‒ but only one more time.
I found that many men try to convince women that oral sex is not really sex. I think having a cock in my mouth is every bit as intimate as having it in my cunt. I enjoy having a man get excited in my mouth. I enjoy him exciting me with his mouth - even more!
My dad made me very uncomfortable with a discussion about sex and my “responsibilities” before I left for my next posting abroad. He was direct about his belief that I should be using birth control pills and not reliant on condoms for protection. The entire discussion made me dislike the topic. I did not know how many times I would have unprotected sex after that discussion!
DISCOVERY AND TURN ONS
I have lived in places with men that turn me on ‒ with no way to hook up, forcing me to masturbate to find some relief. I used those romance novels ‒ a sort of literature, as a turn on when I was at home ‒ but found that need to leave me. It surprised me that the trashy words would offer me such vivid images of sexual encounters. They took me to a place where I saw the ways of wanton sex. I could envision myself with those men, enjoying their powerful desires. I became one of the women that direct their own lust. I guess that my experiences outside the US were enough to be sexually excited most of the time. I needed little motivation to want sex.
I found it embarrassing to masturbate at our apartment when anyone was around as the walls were so thin everything is heard. My hard breathing would give my pleasure away! Nighttime was the only time I was alone in my room ‒ so I guess I was forced to satisfy myself without thinking about who could hear me cumming. My vibrators made noise that one of my roommates joked about ‒ I knew she knew because she coached me about which ones were best to get off and enjoy an orgasm. I often heard others at our place enjoying their sex.
I have been attracted to men ‒ interested enough in some that I wanted to have sex with them. There was the guy in Alaska. He was sexy, aggressive but not too much so. He was a free spirit with interest in making money so he could play in his life. He was the first man I found attractive enough to see a long-term relationship. His mind and his persona became a model for my desires that followed. Having my friends there kept me from loosing my virginity there! In Alaska I discovered some embarrassing elements of life that were new to me. I did not understand much about masturbation and I was frustrated in a dorm setting with my thoughts of him. I could hear others in the night trying to satisfy their urges. It only made me want it more!
There were those immature men at the University. They always seemed out for a quick drunken night, a fuck and then gone. No rewarding relationships seemed to work for me. Every date seemed to end up drinking or doing some shit and then an attempt to get me to fuck. I was never interested in the end, so the process was a waste of my mind.
Europe was not loaded with men that were my type, yet I saw a few men that interested me. French men could be so sexy! I saw one at a supermarket that I thought my type. His long hair seemed so different to me. His clothes made me look twice at him. He seemed to be a candidate, but I was too timid to inquire of him. There were just not enough of them, and I was timid to believe I could attract the ones that I thought sexy enough.
A visit to Wisconsin to see my friend found me wanting a specific man one night. For reasons I did not understand, it left me questioning my own sexual attraction. My wants and needs were not fulfilled and that became a frustration to me. I so thought I would sleep with him. My closest friend back home advised me that the first time should be memorable!
Then there was the dancer. He was sexy and older. As an dancer, his movements were perfect for a lover, I thought! That highway patrolman stole my chance for a rewarding nocturnal spin in bed with that man. I enjoyed him ‒ gentle as a lover, as more was my first man - and I know I missed the other chances of that satisfying cock. After I left my incarceration, I went back to his place ‒ and he was there to great me, to hold me and to make love to me. I left with his clothes on my back ‒ knowing that I might never know him like that again.
I found my sexual attraction to an artist grew slowly before I started sleeping with him. I know that I offered him an attractive persona to pursue. I thought him a friend first ‒ and a lover later. He was an artist! I wanted to be his model! I did the sexy underwear thing for him ‒ black lace push up bra to make my breasts fuller, tight shirts and no panties to excite him. It worked! I took those first few chances to stroke his cock, first in my hand, then inside me while at his apartment, before I took the final step and agreed to stay the night at his place. This was a point when I admitted that I was sleeping with him to my mom and dad. It was harder to make that statement than to let him put his cock inside me! I found him a lover that could take time to let me cum. We learned together from my girlfriend's book on sex ‒ the Joy of Sex. I got into it enough to buy the second volume so we could try more positions. We explored our bodies together. He came on my tits, and I let him cum in my mouth. I came as he tongued me and also let him finger my cunt to an orgasm. We discovered positions by reading and copying what we saw. I found some of the positions could help me to cum. Others were not satisfying. I enjoy being superior to my lover as I can control the angle of his cock inside me.
I had casual encounters in central America and found some of the sex rewarding ‒ some less than that. I had no serious relationships while there. Men came and went in my life ‒ but as few knew me, I had less to protect that part of me.
I was drunk more than once ‒ at parties or at the beach ‒ and sometimes I had sex with men ‒ without knowing why. I found the lust in my body wanting to be satisfied.
There was a potential lover, a French Canadian that lived in a town far away. He interested me as he had many of the same responses that I in similar situations. He moved conversations away from points he did not wish to discuss. He seemed to have interest in poetry and music. I went to a party at his place just to try to seduce him. He got drunk and spent the time with poets and musicians ‒ all night long! I found my cunt longing for his cock when I left the next morning with my friends. Horny and frustrated, I did not understand what was going through his mind! I masturbated once I was alone, just to rid myself of the sexual frustration! I never found out why he would not hook up with me. It ended up that his friend and roommate would become a partner in my bed.
I try to be attractive to the men I lust after. I have found out how to flirt ‒ and get results! I wear my sexy underwear, acting as if I am full of desire. I know how to project my sexuality so that the man of my target knows I want him. My loins ache for a man sometimes and I have found ways to insure the understanding that I want him!
I did not know that my own lust was connected to the box that Pandora protected! I have now found the need to have my cunt filled ‒ my clit exercised by either my own fingers or the tongue and cock of a man. I find my self fantasizing about sex with men I see. I can see myself under their strong shoulders or astride their hips. I can feel their eyes undressing me. I know when I excite a man now and enjoy having the look returned!
I questioned my own morality as I have had my first experience with two men in one day. The first one was a major turn on ‒ an ultra sexy man. We were at the beach ‒ and I thought him to be a very sexy man! He was almost too much for me. He was too unreachable as a potential lover ‒ For me to have drunken sex in the ocean was fun! Yet it was unprotected sex and there was a risk. I did not consider it at the time ‒ He had a certain amount of fame attached to his persona. Too bad his performance was not up to his reputation! In our drunken clutches, I wanted him inside me! I found the surf a challenge. But, I made do with what I had. This was my first adventure of sex in public. I found it to be a turn on!
The second was a lover I had shared my sex with before ‒ and I only had him because I thought to myself that I should take advantage of the chance for a hook up when it was so easily available to me. He was in my apartment ‒ available and wanting sex. I thought, I do not need to hook up again ‒ I already had a man, just hours ago! But then, why not! All those years without getting any!
I flirt with men to see how interested they are in me. I began to flirt with one guy during a spring break trip. A group of us chartered a catamaran and we went diving. He was the one guy that interested me, and could play at my level. He teaches music. Nothing came of our fun, until later. Another turn on!
I always found one of my roommate to be sexy. I knew that one of my roommates was bisexual. I grew very interested in a threesome when a discussion came up between the three of us. I actually proposed we do it together one night. I was excited by the possibility.
11/28/2005 3:18 pm
You know, you are correct. I really did not know if I am ready to experience a female lover. Having had the experience now - and you will read about it in my blog....I can say that it has changed how I view myself as a woman and as a lover.|
11/23/2005 4:02 pm
You certainly have a way with words. These last few long posts flow very well... have you considered posting them in the A F F Magazine? I put my stuff there, and it seems I get more views -- no comments, but lots of views, and that's really more important to me than what a few people think about what I write.|
Oh, I added you to my "Watch" list... hope you don't mind.