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Past Be In The Past?
Past Be In The Past?
"We all want, above all, to be heard - but not merely to be heard. We want to be understood - heard for what we think we are saying, for what we know we meant."
It can be pretty uncomfortable living in a situation where your past is constantly being thrown in your face. The first thing you should look at is why you are together if there isn't equal trust or repeated questions that injure. Each person should have a set of personal values or guidelines they abide by. High on that list should be never engaging in a situation where you feel, or are treated, less than the other person, regardless of past issues. I empathize with her perspective, but it doesn't make her choices the best possible solution for your situation.
The fact of the matter is if you wanted to cheat on her you could, regardless of how often she checks your whereabouts or thinks you don't love her the way you say you do. She has to learn to either trust you as you are, or not and be with someone else. You are not creating building blocks for a longer, successful relationship by allowing this to go on as it is. You should take a step back and not make any decisions based on the fact that you love her, but rather on how much you love yourself.
It's amazing, but if you really look closely you'll discover that people are extremely private creatures. For all that we seem to want to boast and have ourselves become acclaimed, we still tend to bottle our truest and deepest feelings inside. And, for what? Most often to protect our helpless hearts from heaps of pain, anger, ridicule, despair or ultimately heartbreak. But, what if keeping our inner selves hidden is what causes the pain to appear in the first place? Have you ever considered that preventing the people close to us from really getting to know us is what's keeping them from giving their all as well?
Every person has an inner need to be heard and understood. The people who understand us best are the ones we consider our closest friends, and the type of people we tend to gravitate towards. So, it would make sense that if we took the time to understand our partners and visa versa we could create a relationship of true closeness and intimacy. We wouldn't feel the need to hide our real feelings, or keep our deepest dreams and desires hidden because we would feel safe in the knowledge that our partner would understand.
For a lot of couples this may seem like an impossible task. If you've been together for any number of years, and communication is still your number one problem, it is definitely worth the risk to try and create a better verbal environment.
To begin on the road to verbal bliss you'll need to check all emotional baggage at the door. It can't be allowed on this trip. What kind of emotional baggage? Well, first you need to strip away any "shoulds or should nots," or other beliefs. These are the statements that you hear cycling in your head when you're partner is doing or saying something such as: "He should know what I mean," "If he really loves me he should understand," or "She should know better than to do that." There aren't any prerequisite behaviors that you or your partner should have, other than a willingness to understand and listen. Everything else is just a made up excuse to get away with not using real communication.
Next, you need to reenter the relationship with an open and trusting heart. You need to be able to begin these tasks without harboring negative or hurtful feelings. What has been done is in the past, and this is a step towards creating a new future. If you let the past in, you're only crippling your future.
The first step towards improvement is to examine your current communication patterns. Below are a few questions to ask, and share your thoughts with, each other. This should be done without ANY accusations. It is a time for revelation and pattern changes. In fact, you may not want to do all the questions at one time.
Negative Pattern #1: Are you belittling your partner's communication? Check the tone of voice you are using. This is the most common area of misunderstanding and invalidation. The surprising fact is that most of the time you won't even realize you are doing it. Sugar goes down a lot easier than spice. Make it a special point to practice kindness in the way you say things, even if you don't agree. To put this into practice take notice of how you react when you disagree with something your partner says or does. Does your vocal tone change dramatically? Do you act incredulous or as if your partner has grown horns and sprouted whiskers? Do you frequently find yourself saying no or other negative comments? These are not actions that promote a willingness to talk and grow together. It just makes your partner feel stupid and as if you feel you are better then them. If you do nothing else to improve your love life, just make sure to take care in the way you speak to each other.
Talking It Over: How has this pattern made it more difficult to talk to your partner? Give each other three different examples of ways they could say things better towards you.
Assignment: Get caught using the examples your partner has given at least 5 times this week. When you notice your partner making an effort to improve their communication tactics, reward them with an "I love you," a kiss, or other small acknowledgment.
Practical Usage: When in a disagreement, use phrases such as: "I understand what you're trying to say, but I disagree because…," "Your viewpoint is important, but I still find that I like it better like this because…" Try to make sure your partner knows you do not desire to invalidate what they are saying; you just disagree.
Negative Pattern #2: Are you always trying to prove a point in a discussion? Do your conversations seem to always have an ulterior motive? You aren't in this relationship to prove how worthy you are, or to see how well you can outwit your partner. An open debate is healthy, but not if every conversation seems to be about you becoming the winner. When you spend all your energy seeing what statements your partner makes that you can shoot down, or devising ways to get your point across, you miss the entire point of communication. It not only makes your partner want to withdraw from talking with you in the future, you also ruin the chance of really getting to know your partner's internal feelings about an issue and why they believe what they believe. You may feel like you're the winner of a conversation, but it's only a false victory. In the end, you become the loser because you'll have lost that someone who was willing to help you find your real victories.
Talking It Over: Have you ever felt your partner had a hidden agenda when talking with you? Give two examples of this negative pattern and two different suggestions for ways you would have liked them to handle it better.
Assignment: Instead of looking for ways to debate with your partner, search for the real meaning of what your partner is trying to say. Let your partner talk to you about an important issue or problem they are having for 15 minutes without you interrupting or saying anything in return. When they are done, see if you can reinterpret their root feelings about the problem, find any viewpoints your partner may have missed and help give some solutions. Then switch and let your partner do the same for you. Practice this at least twice a week.
Practical Usage: Your partner comes home from work a little irritable. Make the time to give them a supportive hug and invite them to sit and talk about their day. Do not try to steer the conversation in any direction. They may not feel like talking about why they are irritable. That is okay! All you need to do is show that you care and understand that they aren't feeling up to par, and that you are there if they should need you.
Negative Pattern #3: Do you maintain eye contact with each other when you talk? Eye contact lets the other person know that you value and respect what they are saying, EVEN if you disagree. Looking away, or even walking away, while your partner is talking is non-verbally communicating your lack of concern about their viewpoint in a situation. This trait is often used as a control mechanism. If you avoid the conversation or give the "silent treatment" then your partner may feel sorry for you or even just give in. Take an honest, inward look and see if this is your intent when using this technique. If you are, you're not reaping the real rewards true communication can bring. All you are doing is getting your own way. In the end your partner will just end up resenting you for not allowing them a chance to express their feelings
Talking It Over: Do you feel your partner practices good eye contact and body language with you? Why or why not? Is the silent treatment a communication technique you use? Give each other two examples of disagreements that could have been handled better. Offer your own solutions for ways you can both handle these types of disagreements better in the future.
Assignment: Practice talking while looking at each other. Make it a point to keep eye contact for as long as possible. When you notice your partner doing this with you, make sure to thank them for taking your communication seriously.
Practical Usage: When your partner comes to you to talk about their day or other news they'd like to share, be an active listener. Don't do chores around the house, handle the kid's homework, or take phone calls. Actually sit for the few minutes your partner needs, and listen to what they are saying intently, paying close attention to your eye contact and body language.
Click comments for examples of passive aggressive and bait and switch tactics!
4/20/2006 7:10 pm
Dear So and So:|
I can honestly say I have never felt love like I have with you. I want you in my life forever and you have been the most incredible lover of all times. However, I am at my lowest point in life, it hit me in bed this morning and it was hard to get up. I feel that perhaps you have not been totally honest with me in other activities happening in your life and I cannot go on until you tell me ALL and allow me to forgive so we can move on.....if I am indeed what you want.
This one is designed to put you on defensive - shows how devoted she is while selfishly setting up the opportunity of showing you that you are not. This psychological contrast at it's best - and if you think she's just insecure, I am here to warn you .... it's camouflaged rage.
I believe you are part of the [person she identifies] ....too many obvious facts......and until you tell me ALL......and allow me to forgive...we have nothing more to say. I am so very sad....sad in that I was your "insert pet name" and I was suppose to be the one that you loved and wanted to make love to.
See how innate passive agressiveness can be? Suspicions as facts are the first leapfrog to a Kangaroo Court or immediate conviction .. now the rest!
So either be honest with me and keep me.....or walk away and be with your [new] woman. I will assume it is [her name]. This hurts so bad to write for I cannot see living without you.
Blam, you just got creamed if you take ownership for this! LET THE DELUSION CONTINUE ON
I so wish I could b in your arms right now, smell your scent...and perhaps feel your
love......even if it were for just one more time.....but this email needed to be sent. I am hurt yes, I could forgive yes....but I need the truth and I cannot stay with you when I feel there is a big lie.
YOU HAVE BEEN HONEST THE ENTIRE TIME - AND SHE HAS WORKED YOU OVER FOR FOUR WEEKS NOW! PACK YOUR BAGS FOR GITMO OR ABU GHRAIB BECAUSE YOU ARE SCUM!
So please tell me all and let me forgive you......but I am not stupid and I deserve honesty. For we have nothing if it is not based on honesty. This hurts so much to write.....and I wish I never stumbled across what I did....but If I am more important...you will come out and tell the truth to keep me...otherwise you stay with her.
Miss Bait and Switch
DAMN!!!! SKIPPY!! NOT EVEN THE ISRAELI MOSSAD IMPLEMENTS PSYCHOLOGICAL CONTRAST THIS GOOD!
4/20/2006 8:33 pm
Here's another thing that all malignant people do when trying to communicate with you. They are extremely talented at lifting phrases out of Google at warp speed, so they can say they took the time to consider your feelings while having enough time to use a dildo with her secret lovers on webcam.|
You know this because each paragraph is a voyage over a volcano and not a cruise on a quiet sea! Nothing begins as it ends, and you get the distinct impression that Vincent Van Gogh was the dude with the brush. They may even send you the link or the PDF file that Google burped up - if they do they are pathological, because only a simple "I got this online" was appropriate.
By the way, I know this because I once helped this woman write a psychology paper. If I went any further with the symbolism I just determined, it would force you to choke. Jesus, I almost passed out.
Just a small sample:
Until I take how I see myself (and how I see others)
into account, I would be unable to understand how
others see and feel about not only me but as well as
themselves and their world. Unaware, I might project
my intentions on their behavior and then call
I call this "emotional discipline" for emotions can be
great with love or deadly with hate. And I have hated
myself for too long now. My discipline will keep me
sane, my focus of the power of reason is now sharp and
so is my heart. Love within.. is power within power,
and I am that.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it
does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is
not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps
no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil,
but rejoices with the truth. It always protects,
always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
4/20/2006 8:36 pm
Did I also mention she did webcam for $$$$$$!!!!!!??????
Email me for details - but I won't say the name, company or show you her pictures!
You can't imagine what some women can do with a beer bottle. Yep, got that one too!
Very special on Cinco De Mayo.