So  

my_brkn_heart 55F
283 posts
6/10/2006 10:38 pm

Last Read:
6/12/2007 5:36 am

So

What’s it mean now?
A death sentence?
More suffering?
To make me break down?

How can it go
from bad to worse?
How can it be
that I didn’t know?

How’d it get there?
When did it start?
How far has it spread?
How is this fair?

All of this fear
No place to hide
No one to talk to
Nobody near

My appetite’s gone
and my need to sleep
Too much to do
So much to get done

Don’t know what to say
Will it be to late?
To fix the things
that are broken today?

I want to reach out
But I’m so afraid
No one will listen
So full of doubt

I thought it was stress
how did I know?
It would be something
Something much worse

I still can’t believe it
I’m still in shock
Wake me when it’s over
and I’ll try to forget

Somebody tell me
It was just a bad dream
A scary nightmare
That’s all it will be

I just want to cry
I just want to scream
I want to get angry
Not lay down and die

My room is dark
Except for the light
That comes from my screen
As I pour out my heart

I feel so alone
With so much to say
I wish someone would call me
Just pick up the phone

Been here all day
with nothing to do
But dwell on my sadness
and the price I must pay

I don’t know anymore
what I’m to do
To make it all better
Like it was before

I need to be strong
I need to hold on
Day after day
Until I have won

To do it alone
that will be hard
But I think I can beat it
And keep movin’ on

We all have to play
the hand we are dealt
I will face it head on
I will not turn away


goodatpoetry2 66M
12391 posts
6/11/2006 3:26 am

Oh! You poor woman!
Not pity, but just sadness for you.
My heart goes out to you.
I had to read some of your past posts and it just isn't fair. You've been dealing with enough, already.
I'm sorta speechless. What can I do or say.
Wrap your arms around yourself and just hug tight. That's me. Squeeze. Wiggle. That's me.
I'm so sorry. Damn!


my_brkn_heart 55F
71 posts
6/11/2006 9:48 am

goodatpoetry2 Thank you.
I am not looking for pity, just venting. I am scared, that's normal, I suppose. I just feel as if, everytime I start to feel a little better, I get kicked in the gut again!
Makes me wanna scream!

...'everything happens for a reason' as they say...whoever they are...

...OK! ENOUGH ALREADY! Wish they would go pick on someone else for awhile...I'm tired...


rm_gorilla062 49M
232 posts
6/12/2006 6:09 am

My heart will be with you... write if you need anything!!


Catdoc2000 56M

6/12/2006 4:49 pm

Care to elaborate? Was it caught early? What type? There is a wealth of knowledge out here not to mention others who may have walked the same path. There are those who can give real encourgement and sound advice....


rm_g1000man 70M
54 posts
7/2/2006 9:27 am

Know how you feel.................... I have the big "C" also!!!!!!!!!!!! Go in to have seeding on 19th.........I am scared too.

Hang is there!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You will be just fine!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


my_brkn_heart 55F
71 posts
7/4/2006 7:03 am

g1000man GOOD LUCK!

I hope that you have close family and friends for support through your health problems.
I will be going in on the 14th for a procedure, I won't go into the details...but I am scared...
I realize there are so many people who have had and dealt with the same type of illness...it's still scary...just hearing the 'C' word...ya know!?

Take care my friend!


rm_polygon2 60M
7 posts
7/4/2006 7:34 am

Just keep in mind, If it does not kill us it will make us stronger... My experience is that this is true...


rm_g1000man 70M
54 posts
7/7/2006 4:35 pm

Good luck on the 14th. I go for my seeding surgery on the 19th.

Yes it is scary, "C" word is funny that way.

Hang in there.

Well I lost a son in 1984 and a wife too cancer in 1996, in two weeks, then in 1999 RIFed from my job of 33 years. I can handle this shit also.

But don't let anyone make you feel like a leeper or funny in anyway.............they do no or understand.


LUC2SUCKANDFUCK 55M
27 posts
7/11/2006 7:07 pm

Lets see, I have a brother who has had now some 30 surguries, two kidney and two pancrease transplants, and they have both now failed agin, he is back where he started 30 years ago, diabetic and on dialysis again, but he gets up everyday, just because he can and says that is a blessing all in itself! He blames no one, asks for nothing and trys to get done everyday whatever he can. I doubt it happens for a reason, but he is a hero to me just for the attitude he has through it all! You have friends in the oddest places, their arms are there to hold you in the tough times and darkest lonliest times, even if we are not even there with you! Just know, we care!!
Always, Jeff


my_brkn_heart 55F
71 posts
7/12/2006 12:21 pm

LUC2SUCKANDFUCK
Thanks Jeff,
I keep saying it...I realize, it can always be worse. I agree with you that he is a hero. I am trying to keep that stiff upper lip, it's all new to me and I do admit...I have a tendency to feel sorry for myself. I try to catch myself when that happens and focus on something more constructive.

...after all, none of us really knows how long we have in this world...so...live each day, get up, breathe in breathe out...stop and smell the roses...and smile...what else can ya do!?

I think about those kids in Africa, who have to walk across hot, desolate deserts...for days and days...just to get a little food and water, some never make it and wither down to skin and bones...suffering...
It can always be worse...
I am here, in America, where there is help and food, and there are medical facilities...even for folks who can't afford it on their own...I am glad to be here...and thankful for what I do have...

I just feel as if I should be doing more, getting in all the things I have always wanted to do...I don't wanna slow down, for fear I will stop...

I appreciate the encouraging words...all the best to you and your brother...


LUC2SUCKANDFUCK 55M
27 posts
7/13/2006 5:19 pm

Dont ever stop Everyday is a victory for each and every one of us even in perfect health it can end in an instant as you know it happens everyday Yes my brother is a hero and thank you well you are to a great attitude goes so very far LIVE STRONG darling if you want to smell the roses give me the address and ill send them if it makes your day a moment better. If you wish to talk please call or write, as Jon BonJovi says ill be there for you. And I will
Always
Jeff And thanks again
jeffhord ind net
317 557 2390
317 370 7086


my_brkn_heart 55F
71 posts
7/14/2006 7:42 pm

LUC2SUCKANDFUCK
...you made me cry...but it was a good cry...the whole roses thing I think did it for me...


LUC2SUCKANDFUCK 55M
27 posts
7/18/2006 7:37 pm

And you must think I am kidding, well I am not! Do me a favor, this will not be romantic, it will not be hot, it may not even be sweet, just call my florist Joe Baker, just give him my name and tell him it is you! My Broken Heart, and he will bring you Roses, daily if you wish! 254-0900 is his number! Having things is worthless, unless you have someone to share with! I'd be happy to share with you!
Take a chance! You'll be happy with the choice, just for friendship!
Thanks,
you are a wonderful brave soul, thanks for being so strong and independant!
Always
Jeff
557-2390 if you ever need it!


my_brkn_heart 55F
71 posts
6/12/2007 5:36 am

Hey whodey62

FUCK YOU!


rm_kwoojhawk 55M

12/11/2007 9:20 am

I see I am not the only man who can "feel" you thru your words and desire you respectfully from your pictures. Truly you are the "onion" theory as you have many layers the more you read your profile. Pretty cool to see guys pouring some love toward you as it seems you are a worthy person to know. Best of luck in your battle. Tom.


shooter691962 54M

12/30/2007 4:30 am

With your strenght and will power, I know you will beat it.


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