Just felt like a little spewing dribble  

my_brkn_heart 55F
283 posts
5/1/2006 3:31 pm

Last Read:
7/21/2006 8:36 pm

Just felt like a little spewing dribble

I haven’t met anyone here
haven’t been looking very hard
It has been 6 months since I found out
about my ex and his new lover
I am still broken up
didn’t expect it to take so long
I miss him still
and think about him always
Think of what we could have had
had he given us another chance

I suppose it is time to move on
Suck it up, get back on that horse
Ride off into my own sunset
Dust myself off…whatever
I have given things a lot of thought
Where do I want to go?
What do I want to do?
Who do I want to be?

It seems as though,
The more we love another
The more it takes away a part of ourselves
I feel as if I lived in his shadow
Agreeing with him most of the time
following his lead
Always settling
for being a part of what he wanted

I didn’t want to see it that way
We seldom do
Now I want to answer my own questions
Follow my own dreams
and be the person I want to be

I would like to be married someday
Not what he wanted, not with me
so in the end I settled
to be a co habitant
And I walked away with nothing
nothing was mine

Before I can find a husband
I need to work on me
I want to travel some
But to travel alone
seems unrewarding
No one to share it with
kind of a catch 22

I want someone in my life
Someone strong
Someone who won’t make me feel
as if I need to be someone else
I need to be able to be open
But am afraid to let someone get close

I am confused and uncertain
I am lost between what I want
and how to get there
I want to be independent
But have someone I can depend on
I want to be able to be alone
yet have someone around when I need them

I don’t know what I want
Do I?
Someone smart, someone who gets me
Someone funny, someone who touches me
on some other level

I need a space of my own
and a space that includes someone else
I don’t want to have to think
so hard about who I am
I don’t want to try so hard
to be who I want to be

I’m nuts...
I want too much
I want it all
I want that one certain guy
But where is he and how will I know?

My heart still aches
for the person I thought
I would spend the rest of my life with
and I have been disappointed
afraid to venture out into
the cold cruel world again

But I must
I must learn to trust...
My own feelings...
Other people...
New friends...

I need to focus...
On new beginnings
Make new plans
Do new things
or the old things I set aside
to accommodate him

My life has been on hold
Not only since the end of our love affair
but on hold throughout it
Waiting for my time
Waiting for my opinion to count
Waiting for my voice to be heard
Waiting for my time in the sun

I am tired of waiting
In the shadows, in his shadow
I want to be in the sun
I want to feel the sun, it’s warmth
The smile, return to my face
I want someone to see me
The real me
Whomever she may be


rm_pepperjack4 50M

5/1/2006 9:13 pm

I have written you because I like your profile. The more I read your comments the I more feel for you. I hope you can overcome these problems and enjoy life. You are still young and have many years to come. If I may make a suggestion, find a friend, a very good friend and have some fun. From the pictures I have seen you are a beautiful lady and would not have problems finding that special guy.


rm_trojan462264 63M

5/2/2006 9:13 am

I just wanted you to know that I sounded a lot like your recent blog...and sometimes I still wonder what could have been. I still suffer from long nights alone...and I wonder if I am destined to remain alone. I have to fight that feeling...surely there's someone out there who just needs someone to touch, to hold, to walk hand in hand with. Who knows...could it be you?? Only the heart knows the answer. I go with my heart..it hasn't failed me yet. That is why I answer your blogs. Time can only tell. For when you cast your sails into the wind, your destination depends on the direction that the wind takes you...and when you've reached that destination...will it have been a worthwhile voyage. When you've found your safe harbor...and you sail the seas no more...would it have made the difference in what you were searching for?


rm_gorilla062 50M
232 posts
5/2/2006 11:22 am

My ears, eyes and heart are open to you....friends if nothing else... would be happy with that. Nothing wrong with chasing your dreams for you. Begin with that... remember what makes you happy... bring that to the table first... it will ease the pain you have and let you start seeing you for you. The love of others that you meet; however short term will piece your heart back together and make it stronger, you just need to open up to them first... first stages of trust.


my_brkn_heart 55F
71 posts
5/2/2006 1:28 pm

Thank you so much you guys!
pepperjack4,trojan462264,gorilla062
You do not know how much it means to me to know there are still good people out there. I realize I sound like some sniveling, whiny, girly-girl a lot of the time. I have even received replies from people telling me to quit feeling sorry for myself. I really don't mean to sound like that.
Sure I am down a lot and depressed a lot...but there for awhile, it seemed as though everything was falling apart.
I also know that all of the advise I get from my friedns here as well as my other friends is all good advise. And I know that I would say the same things to any of my friends. I suppose when the shoe is on the other foot...
I will try not to beat myself up and make a fool of myself...but if I do, well, that's just another part of me I need to embrace!

Thanks for the support and understanding.

Although we only know each other online...I feel your support and love!

It warms my heart![/COLOR]

Hugs & Kisses


Catdoc2000 57M

5/2/2006 2:30 pm

That was a beautiful piece of writing! Keep it, so that in the future you can look back to how things were by reading it. No matter how things turn out I real piece of who you are today is in that post.


rm_firebandit69 53M
3 posts
5/5/2006 3:14 pm

wow you have written my life ....i had some many feelings running through me as i read this....that goose bumps popped up....i know how and what you are feeling ...I'm going through the same emotions right now as you are...i don't know witch way to turn or what is the right way to go...my head spins so fast some times ...its like you said am i crazy....no just very heart an confused...is what i have come to determine...i hope some day things will be normal again what is normal any way....may be they are the messed up ones and we are the normal ones ....but if this is normal i don't like it it hurts way too much for me...
HUGS
me


spinmedown 49M
3626 posts
5/25/2006 12:02 am

Just keep rereading what you have written here.
The answers will come to you in time.

This is my favorite post of yours so far.
You must be on the right track, babe.

Most people are other people... FUCKING CHARACTER LIMIT!!! ~Oscar Wilde


rm_artist965 47M

5/29/2006 5:42 pm

HI! I'm new here...just posted my first blog entry....I sent you a wink, for all that that was worth....something drew me in....there's something about you besides your body's beauty that struck a chord with me....I was fortunate enough to see your blog and get to send you a note...too good to be true maybe...

he bst way to describe the feeling I had when I saw your picture was a sleek strong sad woman fearless and fragile---your blog reinforced this! I identify with your words.


rm_artist965 47M

5/29/2006 5:43 pm

oh yes--it's been 6 months for me too


rm_artist965 47M

5/29/2006 5:59 pm

If I could be who you want me to be
I would try, but it would be only me trying.
I can be only me
and I would try to be
all the me you could want me to be,
and for us there would be no more crying!

(Improv rhyme for you)


my_brkn_heart 55F
71 posts
5/30/2006 1:06 am

spinmedown Thank you sweetie, sorry I have been such a stranger...
I have had more ups and downs...(mostly downs)...trying to keep my head above water and my feet on the ground. I miss you. But I feel it is better to stay by myself so as to not drag anyone else down here.
I'm trying, really I am, but it seems as though it is always something...
I am having health problems now...bothersome...scary...I have been trying to come up with some clever way of writing about it in my blog. But have yet to come up with just the right lines. More about that later, I suppose. Hopefully, the news then, will be better.
Take care my friend...and thanks...again


my_brkn_heart 55F
71 posts
5/30/2006 1:11 am

artist965 Thank you, and welcome.
I appreciate your response. I am glad you have enjoyed my blog. It has been awhile since my last entry, but haven't had much strength to sit and think about what it is I am feeling...right now.
Been a little under the weather, weak and fragile...it's disappointing too, since the sun has been shining and the warm weather is finally here!
I haven't had much time to enjoy it...maybe soon I will.
Take care


my_brkn_heart 55F
71 posts
5/30/2006 1:16 am

Catdoc2000, firebandit69 Thanks guys...don't mean to be such a stranger...
Just wanted you...and everyone to know that I appreciate the comments and taking the time to let me know there are people who care...
I will try to get back soon with some new entries...till then...
Hugs & Kisses


rm_artist965 47M

6/3/2006 3:58 pm

i'm kinda brave...i think wen you've been sent to hell for a while, whatever's thrown at you from the peanut gallery is nothing but annoying dribble


my_brkn_heart 55F
71 posts
6/4/2006 6:12 am

artist965 I soooo know what you mean...


my_brkn_heart 55F
71 posts
6/4/2006 6:14 am

Funny, about the 'spewing dribble'...someone responded to me, announcing that they were so 'tried' of reading my 'dribble' and that I should get a life already...
or something along those lines...I found it amusing...

As far as my drivel goes, think I will keep on spewing...


hardnhorny398 59M

7/3/2006 9:49 pm

We all have been hurt at one time or another. Here is what I offer you. A friend is one who reachs for your hand and touches your heart!!!
I would love to be that friend to you, and not just because of your physical beauty but because of your heart. Your posts are deep and from the inner self of you and anyone with any common sense would appreciate the angel from GOD you are!!!


LUC2SUCKANDFUCK 56M
27 posts
7/20/2006 10:13 pm

I know you are hurting, this helped me! I hope it does you!

FOOD FOR THOUGHT: "Watching someone walk out of your life shouldn't make you bitter or cynic, rather it should make you realize:: that if you wanted so much to be with the wrong person, how BEAUTIFUL will it be when the right one comes along"

Always,
Jeff


my_brkn_heart 55F
71 posts
7/21/2006 8:36 pm

thanks Jeff...


naturalfibe0 61M

9/21/2007 5:17 pm

just came on as a viewer first, see what's it all about. Though I haave put you on my list' cause i really like that poise!!!


shooter691962 55M

12/30/2007 4:23 am

You are a beautiful woman, and some day you well find the right man. I don't think you will be lonely for long.


newguy269today 56M

1/7/2009 4:41 pm

Hi broken heart,
There are alot of people who have gone or are going through what you are feeling. I myself had to dump a girlfriend who had somehow hidden she was an alcholic and ended up losing her kids after she beat up my daughter. I really thought she was the one but I was wrong and it's really hard to let go.
Anyway, I found a book (and I'm not much of a reader) but It's called How to Win over Worry, It has helped me so much. It tells you to worry is to sin as when we worry we lose our faith in God and God is susposed to take care of us. Now I'm no preacher by anymeans but with all I went through it helps with depression, sadness, and teaches you how to smile again.
Don't listen to people who think you are dribbling. If they don't like it they should move on and not read your post. We are here to make friends and if venting helps you well then that's what you need so do what feels good and don't worry about it.
Take care of yourself and I dream of a beautiful woman like you. That one dude is nuts. Don


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