|Blogs > my_brkn_heart > ...barely getting by...|
I have been getting quite a few responses from people who seem to be worried about my welfare. I know I sound vulnerable and shaky, but I will be ok. I have worked up this response to those people who seem to worry for my safety...I do appreciate the concern...it is very sweet of them to think enough of me to warn me to be careful. That is exactly what I intend to do.
First of all I want to say thank you for your concern. I am fully aware of the types of people who lurk these sites. I will not allow myself to become victimized. I am an adult, albeit at a vulnerable state right now. I have been through much worse than the current heartbreak of a failed relationship. This too shall pass and I will be the stronger person for it.
My ex has continued to manipulate me by pleading for me to come to him when he needs validation for his manhood, calling me during times his new lover is unavailable. I have been weak in the past, allowing myself to fall back into that cycle. He wants his cake and eat it too. I will do it no more.
He has shown me that he was not the honest, respectful man I thought he was and he continues to disappoint me with his selfishness and inconsideration.
As for some of the other sites, I am a very affectionate, passionate person. A lot of the other "dating" sites seem too phony and insincere. I want to know the next person I am involved with. I want to know his likes and dislikes and how well we mesh sexually. The other sites do not even address the subject of sexuality, which in my own opinion is a pretty important part of any adult relationship! If someone is unwilling to divulge his or her deepest desires with another, it will never work.
Of course, there are those who seem to think flashing their member to someone and professing their wonderful lovemaking abilities, will draw a high quality mate. Those who have to announce their abilities probably shouldn't.
I didn't come here to be an easy target or to jump from person to person. I have higher standards for myself and will take my time and be very choosy as to whom I allow into my life. I have every intention of abstaining from any sexual relationship until I am completely healed and fully aware of those around me.
I realize I have placed somewhat explicit pics of myself with my profile; I have no problem with my body. This does not mean I have to advertise. I may need a little boost to my self-esteem and perhaps a little attention, that is not necessarily a bad thing.
I hope I didn't offend anyone. I tend to go off on rants from time to time. I didn't want you to think that I was some lost, insecure woman in need of any type of attention that happens to come my way. This is a forum to vent and to interact and perhaps meet new people. This doesn't mean they will all be intimate friends or lovers, just different people with different ideas.
Thanks again for the responses and the concern, I didn't mean to go off...I just really need to talk sometimes!
Hugs & Kisses
1/12/2006 7:40 pm
...another rant... As always, my_brkn_heart words are written with eloquence and passion. Such an obviously beautiful person inside and out. |
The situation takes me back to the old question of how does it happen that women of such a high caliber end up with the wrong men so often? Why don't the nice guys appeal to women?
1/12/2006 8:40 pm
I can imagine that some would think you're an easy target, vulnerable and looking for validation. Obviously, you're nobody's easy anything, and you definitely are tougher than some might give you credit for. I have no problem with your body either Sounds like you're doing great...can't wait to hear more from you.|
1/12/2006 10:14 pm
I wouldn't call this a rant.|
I would say it's a very powerful and positive expression of where you are at the moment.
Good for you.
Most people are other people... FUCKING CHARACTER LIMIT!!! ~Oscar Wilde
1/13/2006 4:05 am
Good guys . Bad guys. Good girls . Bad girls . (Butter up|
I'm not so sure it works like that. I think most of us just don't know any better until we fuck up and go wrong somewhere. Ya know , the lessons come after the mistakes are made.
To err is human. This guy clearly made some different choices recently. Do we know why?
My brkn heart: bloggers here didn't intend for you to feel as though you were being treated as weak and vulnerable. Fact is most "commentators" have their own blog. Most bloggers have good and bad days. And we all know that some communial support on a crap day, or at a crap time, feels good.
For the most part blogging on AdultFriendFinder has some of the caring / sharing hallmarks of yesteryear. You were just being welcomed
So - you say the relationship was 18 years long from recall but you weren't living together ? Care to expand ? That seems a little different to me but I do live in Sydney and the culture is different here .
Hope you keep blogging
1/13/2006 6:13 pm
Ok...first of all thanks guys, for the support.|
I would also like to say that he was/is a decent guy. I wouldn't have stayed for 18 years if he hadn't been. I have three kids (19,20,24) none of them are his. When we met, my oldest was living with his father (first husband) and the two youngest ones were 2 & 3. He raised them as if they were his own. He never had children of his own. Their own father left when they were babies and hasn't seen them in 20 years. (dirt bag)
We lived together through our entire relationship until two years ago. We were having problems with the kids and started fighting, becoming distant, and his drinking got worse. The more he drank the more I withdrew, the more I withdrew the more he drank...
Both the kids moved out, not on very good terms and my daughter who will be 21, hasn't been in contact since. It has hurt all of us. She is stubborn and independent and tries to prove she can do it without us...it has been hard on us. My ex tries to act tough but he misses her terribly.
We decided to sell the big house, since there were so many empty rooms and he wanted to move back to the town we originally lived. My job is here, we agreed that I would take an apartment and he would move back to town. I guess a little break. It seemed to be working out, as far as I knew...I don't think he liked the idea of being alone most of the time. I only visited on the weekends. He never made it clear that he was having any problems adjusting...I suppose he missed me...and I missed his clues.
I do not want to blame him for everything, there are a lot of dynamics involved...I just never expected him to be unfaithful. I wouldn't have taken it quite so badly, had I had some warning. But for this person, who knows me better than anyone else in the world, my best friend to betray me like that...
I can hardly type it without getting that gnawing feeling in the pit of my stomach.
I know, nothing lasts forever...there are no fairy tale endings...people change…blah, blah, blah...I guess I was too self-absorbed to notice I was losing him.
I wanted to make a correction as well. It was not the bloggers who made me feel they were treating me as if I was weak and vulnerable, I have been receiving email responses from people answering my ad...there were several of them commenting to that effect. I apologize for any confusion.
…so…here I am, I do still love him and still would like nothing more than to reconcile…I just don’t see that happening as more time and distance adds to the void…not to mention “the other woman”!
I need to focus on my recovery. I want to reach out to my daughter and set things right with her…she is absolutely gorgeous…did I mention that?
Perhaps one day we may be able to repair those bridges and begin to heal as a family. I would hate to think that my daughter would marry and start her own family without me!
Well, there I go again…going off on one of my tangents. I apologize, but I also want to say thank you, thank you for being here, for being interested…for the feedback.
Hugs & Kisses
1/15/2006 12:49 am
...another rant... my_brkn_heart, I appologize if I was truly incorrect for characterizing "him" as a bad guy. Yes, typically, both sides have ownership for the situation. Throw "drinking" and "cheating" into the conversation and it's easy to jump to that conclusion. With the miniscule amount of info shared, I have no right to attempt to characterize either of you.|
In my own life, I have learned you probably are correct to focus your relationship efforts on your kids. I'll bet you know this, but, it's worth stating. Their experience with their parents will drive how they handle relationships and their kids. Watch them. Tell them softly, only once, when they are making a HUGE mistake. Hands off while they choose to make it. Help when they choose to deal with it.
Good luck. Oh, and I'm ready to help you get back at him anytime!