|Blogs > mpaul3 > Ramblings and Tangents|
I have lately been in flux since I've been back in California, I've had a lot of free time on my hands. Ergo maybe way too much masterbation; and not just that of the sexual variety. After all, I almost enjoy mental masterbation as well as the other sort. I've learned a great deal about myself in the past 17 months or so. I have finally started to come out of my shell. For way too long I allowed my fear of rejection, hold me captive and in a bad place. Coveting is an old vice; the women I desire, usually were not realistically within my reach. In a way, I think it was a way for me to play it safe. The underbelly of fear and loathing was almost suffocating, and self feeding.
Now, with the help of some fantastic ladies, I've learned well how to project what I want to project about myself, and to finally relax in my own skin. This is light years from where I was even just a few months ago. I had a relationship this summer that was bittersweet. I was truly in love with this lady; but after 2 very intense months it fizzled. Literally overnight changing from a heated affair to an almost indifferent and annoyed partner. To this day, I still don't know all of the particulars and reasons, but it took me a few months to get back to the starting point again. And so today, I feel myself again being the person, I've been working toward: relaxed, focused, confident...and happy again.