The second hardest day...  

mjtrcc 53M
93 posts
3/28/2006 5:33 pm

Last Read:
4/1/2006 1:56 pm

The second hardest day...

I ordered the papers today.

I've been preparing them for the last three days, staying up until 3 this morning to finish. It's not that the paperwork is difficult (other official acts should be this easy). It's that every keystroke, every time I refer to her as Respondent instead of Baby is an acknowledgement of failure. I know it's for the best (don't I?), but it feels how I imagine being drawn and quartered must have felt.

Before I ordered them, I called D so we could review them together. She's out of town, one of several convenient coping mechanisms I lack that she has at her disposal, her new boy toy being another. The conversation was the first we've had in several days. She's good about talking to J, but has been hanging up when J tries to get her to talk to me.

We're both being careful to be fair to one another, to insure that neither of us feels ill used by the other. Our marriage has been so contentious for so long, that the irony of this process making us both more considerate is almost palpable.

She tells me that we have an offer we can live with on our vacation house. One less thing that we loved, that gave us joy and all too rare happiness with each other, reduced to two checks to be paid at close of escrow.

I went through the checklist with her. She gets, this, I get that, I'll pay this, she'll pay that, I'll do this, she'll do that. I heard her sobbing on the other end of the line. I asked if she was ok. She said I was being very calm about this. I told her I'd done my crying over 3 successive nights, and that if she'd seen me throwing up, or curled up in a fetal position pounding on the floor trying not to wake up J with my anguish, or fighting the urge to finish in an evening the half gallon bottle of vodka I'd bought to get me through this, in short if she was here to help me, maybe I wouldn't be numb right then. We finished what we had to do and I asked her if there was anything that seh felt needed to be added. She said, no, that I'd been very thorough (an irony again). We exchanged some brief pleasantries, then she talked to J for awhile.

2 days from now, I'll get the papers. A couple signatures, a few notary stamps and a county recorder stamp later, D and I can each claim a Pyrrhic victory in the Cold War of the Roses. After that, well I have to figure out how I define myself without her as a counterpoint.


piamatter 44F

3/29/2006 4:01 am

Big hugs go out to you.
Pia


mjtrcc 53M

3/29/2006 4:39 am

Thanks, Pia. I'll take as many as I can get these days, especially from someone like you feeling most of the same feelings.


AltumHunksUnite 53M

3/29/2006 5:32 am

Stuff like this is never easy, but you split appears to be more civil than most of the ones I hear about. Be strong and you'll do fine.

Let me drive. I like the view


softnlush 53F

3/29/2006 6:31 am

I know this is a hard time for you,and I can relate to it in some ways..I know it is never easy..but remember you have friends in strange places *giggles*

Big Hugs for you

~~~snl~~~


sexxxylatina69 41F

3/29/2006 8:25 am

There are no words that will make you feel better, so I won't try. It's never easy to admit/accept failure, especially in marriage. I know that things will get better for you, probably not right away, but in time they will. The hurt won't be as fresh, you'll find yourself smiling again. I've been where you are, but lacked the strength to see it through, so I admire your courage and strength. Maybe one day I'll break free as well.

Be strong, when times get rough, look to your little one, she'll make you smile.


mjtrcc 53M

3/29/2006 12:12 pm

    Quoting AltumHunksUnite:
    Stuff like this is never easy, but you split appears to be more civil than most of the ones I hear about. Be strong and you'll do fine.
I really have been impressed with us on that one point, Cleavis. I've seen divorces in my own family bankrupt the couple and fracture the family. It makes me happy that we're both being grown-ups. Thanks for posting.


mjtrcc 53M

3/29/2006 12:15 pm

    Quoting softnlush:
    I know this is a hard time for you,and I can relate to it in some ways..I know it is never easy..but remember you have friends in strange places *giggles*

    Big Hugs for you

    ~~~snl~~~
Thanks SNL, having the blog really helps keep my carbine and me out of the clocktower, sometimes. I really appreciate the frindship and affection.

Big hugs back!


mjtrcc 53M

3/29/2006 12:20 pm

    Quoting sexxxylatina69:
    There are no words that will make you feel better, so I won't try. It's never easy to admit/accept failure, especially in marriage. I know that things will get better for you, probably not right away, but in time they will. The hurt won't be as fresh, you'll find yourself smiling again. I've been where you are, but lacked the strength to see it through, so I admire your courage and strength. Maybe one day I'll break free as well.

    Be strong, when times get rough, look to your little one, she'll make you smile.
Thanks Sexxxy. The TASA folks I've met online (and hope to meet in person in May) are the closest thing I have to ties in the community, since I'm so new to Tampa. I really appreciate the outpouing of support by y'all. I hope you have the strength to break free as well, or better still, have the greater strength to fix what's broken before it's too late.

J is my world. Though I would never lay the responsibility on her, she is the reason I get out of bed somedays.


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