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freetime648 52F

5/30/2005 12:26 am

Missy, it is so easy for us here to give advice and try to comfort you. We are not there though. So, coming from someone who spent years in an abusive relationship. GET OUT NOW! I am sorry for that, but, you are in a relationship where he is the one with the problems and he isn't ready to admit that to you or anyone. So, in the quandry of that he does his damnedest to make you be as miserable as him!!! DOn't ever allow yourself to fall into that trap. It is all about control sweetie! He wants it and you should never give it up. Don't ask why this is happening to you if you do not want to change it. God puts us all to the test....and this may be yours!!! Good luck and I am hoping the best for you!

xx FREETIME648 xx

Apolybear 54M

5/30/2005 9:44 am

Freetime and Huny are correct. He's only interested in bringing you down. You need to do whatever it takes to get him out of your life. Yes, I know he's the father of your children, but he will use that to control you and make you miserable as long as you let him. Sue for full custody and disapear as soon as you can and start a new life. Otherwise, the cycle of abuse will likely continue.

I hope I'm wrong, but I'm probably not. Take care.

ProtonicMan 48M

5/30/2005 10:03 pm

Ohhh, Missy.

I concur with freetime648 and Apolybear.

My heart goes out to you. Divorce is a painful thing, but life does get better afterward. I know. I have gone through two, although neither was anywhere near as ugly as yours sounds.

To answer your question, "Why?" The answer is because he hurts, because he feels small, because he doesn't truly love himself, because he thinks he will feel better by controlling you, because he isn't in touch with who he really is. He probably doesn't even know that he is doing all of these things. He knows all your buttons, and he pushes them because, at some level, he thinks it will make him feel better.

I'm just trying to answer the question, and I am NOT defending him or his actions. No, you can't help him through this. Don't even try.

The best thing you can do is take care of you. If you don't have anything left in you, how can you take care of your kids?

(Take what you like, ignore the rest.)

I don't believe in Karma. You didn't do anything in a past life (or this one) to bring this upon yourself. You have a good heart, and you probably got into this relationship subconciously thinking that you could help this loser out.

Stop letting his actions and words hurt you. Yes, I know that this is easier said than done, but it is an important lesson to learn. He only has the control that you let him have. No one can make anyone else feel anything. If you don't believe that, go ahead, make me mad. Hurt me. Right now. You're not trying hard enough. MAKE ME MAD! See? ( My therapist taught me that. It took a while for me to really learn it, though. )

Your feelings are probably the most important tool you have in this. Your feelings are your compass. They will let you know when you are headed in the right direction. Quite simply, when it hurts, you need to find a new heading. Search for a thought that feels better. Your goal is not to make it all the way to bliss in one step. That is too big a jump, and for most people it is not possible. Just find something that feels a little bit better, and savor it. When you are comfortable maintaining that better feeling, start looking for another one that feels a little bit better.

*** NO feelings are off limits! ***

If you are feeling really depressed, and if a blazing, blinding rage feels better than where you are now, go with it. Embrace it. When you have stabilized in rage, try moving up to anger. If you sink back into depression and it feels worse, go back to rage. {Disclaimer: I'm not giving you permission to go postal or fill a body bag. I'm just reminding you that you can feel any thought that feels better.}

Zen thought of the day: Stop pushing against what you DON'T want. It will just make it stronger. Acknowledge that it is there, and then think about something else positive.

Appreciation is a very powerful tool. Learn to be appreciative for the good things in your life. Be grateful for the time you have with your kids. Be grateful for the time they have to know their father. (Yeah, I know this one hurts and is hard to do.) Love your children (I know that is easy for you to do). Your kids know what is true. In time they will know what a good person you are, and they will see him for the sad, hurting, lonely man he is.

Be grateful for the friend of the court (or whatever the equivalent is in your state). They really do want what is best for your kids, but they don't always know what that is.

Use creative visualiztion. Imagine how good life will be when you are free of him. Really FEEL it. Imagine having your own place, with your kids, and having a movie night with them, or going to the park, or whatever you like to do together. Imagine how calm, or relaxed, or peaceful it will be.

Remember, you are a good person. You are lovable. You deserve to be happy. And there are a LOT of people here at A.F.F. who care about you.

If you want someone else to rant to, I'm a good listener (Standard members can contact me). No strings attached.


missy97330 47F

6/1/2005 9:10 am

Thanks everyone for your words of support and advice. I read each and every one. Thank you so such.

juju34single 46F

6/4/2005 8:16 pm

Missy, your situation sounds like mine minus the GPS tracking.

For the longest time I thought it was me, and that I wasn't being good enough, or wasn't doing enough, or just wasn't 'enough'.
I was lead to believe that if I would have done...If I didn't do...If you don't go do this...that it was all my fault.
So I was caught in the trap, and did what was asked, and it was either not enough, or not good enough, or not far enough.

I was in a big circle of abuse, and being the person I am, I thought if I waited it out, it would get better, because I was being the good little wifey.
It only got worse.
I got pregnant with our second child, and he literally wanted to work me into a miscarraige. I was on enforced bed-rest, but told if I didn't work around the house, I wouldn't get food for me and my other kidlings, wouldn't get the bills paid, and he even went so far as to take the coil wire off MY car if I wasn't a good girl (he meant doing my womanly duties, like giving him head when he told me to.) I found another coil wire laying around, and hid it for when I needed it. lol
I ended up getting an order for protection against him when I caught him talking to his mistress telling her that if I fought him for our son he would have to kill his wife, and later on that night he said I was lucky he didn't stick me in a 55 gallon drum.

The next day, I took my life back.
It took me a while to realize that NONE of it was my fault.
I did my best, and none of it was good enough.

He 'wants you back' so he can have a free emotional punching bag.
Words and hurtful actions actually hurt more than a physical punch.
He most likely doesn't see what he is doing as wrong, because maybe this is how he grew up, and maybe it is all he knows.
Alot of the times too, they abuse out of misplaced anger or hurt, and this is the only way he knows how to lash out.
Misery loves company.

As for the kids, maybe he hates the fact that they love you, and wants them to see things his way. The only thing you can do is to remain the loving and faithful mother, because in the end that is what they will remember, and will eventually question their dad for how hateful, spiteful and raging he was. They will see it.
Mine did, and hopefully yours will too.

From the sound of it, you don't need fixing hun. He does.
He will eventually, when he realizes that he had a treasure, and when he sees you a happy functional person while he is still sitting in the shadows afraid to look HIMSELF in the face.

Just to let you know, though you don't know me from Eve, if you ever need to talk, just give a holler, ok? Won't be a burden or anything for me.

missy97330 47F

6/4/2005 9:28 pm

juj34single, you know exactly what it has been like for me. Exactly. These men are bullies and have a sense of entitlement. They also know that what they are doing is wrong, and know how to hide it from the rest of the population They know how to be charming.

It is hard to spot these situations in counseling because the women have been brain washed into thinking it is their fault.

You seem to have clued into what I have been going through. I got out...yes I got out, but am not fully "away." Of courses if there are kids involved there is that connection... :sigh:

Oh to just start over again at 19 and RUN!

There is more I could say but I will leave it at this. Thanks for your story. I wish there weren't so many of us out there.

juju34single 46F

6/5/2005 1:04 pm

If I could change time, go back to 19, I wouldn't run, because then I wouldn't have my kids. I just would have not opted to marry.
Would have been less complicated, and the license to abuse wouldn't have been there.

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