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EMPLOYEE NOTICE PTII
EMPLOYEE NOTICE PTII
To: All Employees
Subject: Retirement and Training Policies
As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for departmental areas, we have been forced to cut down on our number of personnel.
Under a new plan, older employees will be asked to go on an early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who will
represent our future plans. Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately. The program will be known as Retire Aged People Early ( ).
Employees who are will be given the opportunity to look for other jobs outside the company, and provided that they are being
, they can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This phase of the operation is called
Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers (SCREW).
All employees who have been or SCREWed may file an appeal with upper management. This will be known as Study of Higher Authority Following Termination (SHAFT). Under the terms of the new
policy, employees may be once, SCREWed twice, but SHAFTed as many times as the company deems appropriate.
If the employee follows the above procedure he, or she, will be entitled to receive Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance (HERPES).
As HERPES is considered a benefit plan, any employee who has received HERPES will no longer be or SCREWed by the company.
In addition, management wishes to assure the youngest employees who remain on board that the company will continue it's policy to ensure
that employees are well-trained through our Special High Intensity Training (SHIT). The company takes pride in the amount of SHIT our
employees receive. We have given our employees more SHIT than any other company in the industry. If any employee feels he or she does not receive enough SHIT on the job, please see your immediate
supervisor. Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure you receive all the SHIT you can stand.
Employees who don't voluntarily take SHIT will nonetheless be placed on the SHIT list and be enrolled in Departmental Employee Evaluation
Programs (DEEPSHIT). Those who fail to take DEEPSHIT seriously will have to go to Employee Attitude Training (EATSHIT). Since our managers took SHIT before they were promoted, they don't have to do SHIT anymore, and are full of SHIT already. If an employee is unable to grasp the concepts of SHIT, he or she will be put on the
Opportunities Halted probationary list (OHSHIT).
If you are full of SHIT, you may be interested in a job training others. We can add your name to our Basic Understanding Lecture List(BULLSHIT).
Those who are full of BULLSHIT will get SHIT jobs, and can apply for promotion to the Director of Intensity Programming (DIPSHIT).
There is currently an opening for Treasurer of the Organization for Us Giving Hell (TOUGHSHIT). If you have further questions, please direct them to our Head of Training, Special High Intensity Training (HOTSHIT).For students who are intending to pursue a career in management and consulting, we will refer you to the Department of Managerial
Operational Research Education (MORESHIT). This course has it's emphasis on how to manage MORESHIT.
If you graduate to the top of our list by taking all the SHIT that is
given to you, you may qualify for our supervisor's program known as Comprehensive Remedial Advisory Panel (CRAP). You too, can be a
member of management! Simply take all the SHIT you can and you can look forward to additional CRAP when you reach the top. Any employee who has the initiative and drive to take both SHIT and
CRAP can count on being one of the elite.
Also, our company is offering, for a limited time only, the chance foryou, the ordinary employee, to try for Action Supervisors Staff Handling
Our Loyal Employees (ASSHOLE). So work hard and you will find that the more SHIT you take and the more CRAP you can handle may qualify you as an ASSHOLE and, one day, maybe even the Director
of Intensity Programming (DIPSHIT).
Boss in General, Special High Intensity Training (BIGSHIT