Why is it so hard to say no to some people.  

madkitten 53F
433 posts
9/1/2005 10:24 am

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

Why is it so hard to say no to some people.

In april after a lot of hard thinking I asked my husband to leave, as we werent in the middle of a major row at the time, he knew I meant it, though he did take some convincing, after about 6 weeks he did leave and got a flat nearby, we then tried dating to see if we could sort through our problems, but the more I saw of him, the less I wanted him around. In July he gave up and moved to live near his family, which is over 200 miles away, coming to see the kids once every 2 weeks, except when he comes he still thinks he should sleep in our bed with the usual things laid on for him, including food and sex.

This weekend he has informed me that he wants us to talk, as he wants to move back, I dont want this, but I find it so hard to tell him, he wears me down until I just agree for the sake of it.

The reasons I asked him to leave, Im fed up with never having anything to laugh at, he never does anything with the kids unless I ask him to, and even then he just cant relax around them, he does very little around the house and I dont mean housework I mean like repairs or decorating, if I do get him to do anything he will always let it be known I nagged him into it. I just dont think we share anything in common except for the kids.

He recently retrained as he has always wanted to be a lorry driver, yet his reasons for wanting to do this or so he told everyone is he wanted time away from me and the kids, he tells me it was only a joke, but never seemed very funny to me.

I just cant think of a single thing I like him for anymore, even with sex its never been as if we have fitted together and I dont mean size, oh hell I dont really know what I mean.

I suppose things really came to a head, as round about the time he was retraining I had arranged to take my daughter away to a major competition to do with her hobby, this cost alot of money, which I and my Dad paid for, husband didnt want me to go or daughter, didnt think it was fair on the other kids, he didnt contribute a single penny to the trip. Daughter was only 10 at the time and the trip was a chance of a life time. Then just after we got back she had to go away again to an annual competition that she always takes part in, and we had weeks of hell from him about the fact that she wasnt going to go, which came to a head when he hit me as the runner beans hadnt cooked properly and then said I had asked for it, he has never hit me before, but to me it was a sign as to where our relationship was going.

He has timed this little chat about the future just at a time, when he knows I need him to look after the children as the above daughter is going to a short competition again, and I felt it would do me good if I tried to make a weekend of it and using the competition as an excuse to get away for the night.

I know it might look as if this daughter is the favourite child, but she is the only one out of my 5 who does anything that she enjoys, and I always try to encourage all of my children to do the best at whatever they love to do, the others never do anything that includes alot of competitions or travelling.

Sorry to have gone on a bit, but I felt it might help me if I wrote all this down. I know there are 2 sides to every story and Im sure his side would be alot different to mine.

RailBaron2 54M

9/1/2005 11:07 am

if the Man Hits you, GET AS FAR AWAY AS POSSIBLE, it will happen again, I'm 42 & NEVER would strike a woman.Defend myself Yes if nessasary,hit me- the Relationships over period.

madkitten 53F
291 posts
9/4/2005 4:43 pm

RailBaron2 & Mzhunyhole

I managed to make it through the weekend, we did talk and he knows that at the moment the way I feel there is no going back. He says he is beginning to understand what went wrong and what he did wrong, so I am feeling stronger now that I can cope with him coming to see the kids, and he wont push me for anything else. Thank you both for your kind words.xx

kind_but_fun 66M
2 posts
9/4/2005 5:36 pm

This is so moving and sad, but you seem to be finding a way through from your last comment... Stick by your daughter's hobby and probably she'll understand when she's grown-up (even if she doesn't dance/sing/play chess/whatever any more) what a loving, devoted mother she has.
I think you've been incredibly loyal to your husband and it must be hard to tell yourself that he doesn't love you or your children with the warmth you naturally crave.
You've also been incredibly strong to say all this - perhaps the anonymity of the internet helps.
I do hope that through your family, and perhaps friends - other parents at schools perhaps? - you can sometimes "park" your other children or have someone stay at home with them, so you can go on supporting and accompanying the occasionally-travelling one.
Oh dear, I want to rush out and give you a huge hug, but I don't think that would be quite right just now either!

CaboWaboVHnut 56M
637 posts
9/4/2005 7:54 pm

I'm sure his side would be different, but, unless you were attacking him, {I know you weren't}, there is no defense or reason for him to hit you !!! When you're emotionally tied to someone, especially by children, it's very hard to say no. Do whatever you need to do to stay strong !!! It will get easier to say no with practice !!! Do what you can for your children, and yourself, this man is not good for you or your kids !!! Peace !!! Cabo !!!

Taurus747 60M

9/5/2005 7:46 am

Hello my dear friend, I have just read your interesting posting. It projects a certain quality that is evident in most dying relationships,apathy,anger,fear and confusion on both parties side. You mentioned that your husband "hit you when the runner beans were not cooked enough." The uncooked runner beans was not the problem it was just the arena for him to express himself and or his anger at the whole evolving situation you are both in. physical violence or the threat of physical violence in and especially marital relationships should not be tolerated at all. What your husband is indirectly telling you when he is using violence toward you is that he is out of control of the situation both physically and emotionally. He, your spouse, is no longer able to rationalize your or his behaviour in dealing with what he now feels is the near end of the relationship you and he once had. You are at a critical time in the breakdown stage of this relationship. Most serious partner abuse that is, physical beatings take place during the separation phase especially when the female is the one to want the separation. During this phase the male partner usually experiences uncontrolled anger and especially more so if alcohol is involved. Your first option should be to document the event with the authorities, police dept and or a solicitor. You need to protect yourself and your children at all costs. If at this point you feel this is really not that big of a deal, think again. Your husband has physically harmed you and could do the same to the children if provoked enough especially if you reach a point where divorce is seriously being considered on your part. You must consider the reality of this situation and have a plan in place should you need to use it in the event of further violence directed toward you or you family. You need to find a safe house, somewhere to run to in an emergency. The term safe meaning somewhere that your husband does not know about. You should always notify the authorities of any threats of or actual acts of physical violence immediately. Saying no to your spouse means looking at your wonderful children and understanding that it's their future too. Stop the abuse now. May God be with you and your children.

madkitten 53F
291 posts
9/16/2005 12:44 pm

Kind but fun

Thank you all for your kind words, sorry I havent replyed before, this wasnt an easy blog for me to write, so I dont tend to look back over it.

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