I cant think of a title  

madkitten 53F
433 posts
10/20/2005 2:10 am

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

I cant think of a title

Like I said in my comment of my previous blog, Im very sorry if I caused anyone to worry or be concerned for me.

I am ok, just about, emotionally I feel like I have been through a wringer.

For along time now I havent been happy, even if he hadnt meant to control me he has, going out to work wasnt a possiblity because of his job, he found fault with all my friends, so in the end I had no friends, we then moved, only 10 miles but I hoped it would be a fresh start, but it wasnt things where no different, things really came to a head when I insisted that I take my daughter to Florida for a majorettes competition in February this year, I paid for this with help from my Dad, husband didnt do anything to help, except moan about the fact that he would have to look after the other kids, this happened again, because she had another competition a month later, I could understand one of his moans, that it wasnt fair on the other kids that they missed out on Florida, if I could of taken them all I would of dearly loved to, maybe I was being unfair, but my daughter works hard at what she does and the chance for her to do this again is very slim. I really felt I was fighting to keep my marriage together at this time for my daughter as I wouldnt of been able to take her as a single parent, though when my Dad asked me last October what I wanted for a anniversary present, without thinking the words out of my mouth was a divorce.

I thought things where sorted, I sat him down in April and told him I couldnt continue with this marriage, it took a few weeks but he did leave eventually, he found a flat and I shopped to kit it out for him, the only problem was it didnt stop him coming round almost daily, or ringing me, reason was to see the kids, but he spent most of the time trying to get me to have him back. Then he moved back to his Mums, which is 200+ miles away, and ended up living in a mates garage, he would then come back once a fortnight again to see the kids, but again spent most of the time trying to wear me down. The two weeks he spent away each time where great, I got on with things, things I wouldnt normally of done, ok so not big things, but I decorated, I did things with the kids, I felt that for the first time in years, I wasnt just existing, I was alive, some days it was just silly things like being able to read in bed.

Then he got laid off from work up by his Mums and his old employer down here was trying to get him to come back, so thats what happened, he was only suppose to stay here as a temporary measure, while he found a flat, my eldest was even going to live with him, so that he wasnt on his own, so that he wouldnt keep coming round here, but he talked and talked again, without really listening to me, and the flat idea fell through.

This is what he does, he talks but doesnt listen, he says he wants us both to be happy, he says he is going to change, I see signs that he is trying to change, but I feel I have gone past the point where he could change enough now to make me happy, but when I try to tell him, he just starts talking again until he wears me down through lack of sleep, its easier not to talk, to just exist.

I know I need to do something, something drastic to sort things out, but for the kids I would just walk out, but with 4 kids in tow its not that easy, I dont count the eldest cause most of the time he does his own thing, though that doesnt mean he isnt affected by all this either. I dont want to mess with my kids heads anymore, this year has been hard enough and like most kids they just want Mum and Dad to be together.

At the moment Im trying to let the dust settle on what happened at the weekend, I feel bitter towards him, because I have lost a friend again that I had only just regained after 20 years of missing, but I know its my own fault, I know he is still checking up on me, ok not my phone, but I left the internet on yesterday while I nipped out and when I got back to it, my list of contacts were open on Friends Reunited, not the home page, where the kids would of left it, if it had been one of them and also someone had tried to get into a group that Im a member of, these sites are in my favourites. This site isnt in my favourites and neither is my email address, he said it wasnt him, but I just cant see the kids looking through my list of favourites, most of which are competition sites and pick out those 2, which arnt even together in the list, I know I had left it in the middle of a game.

I recoil when he walks into the room, and I have had to let him back in my bed after what happened at the weekend, just to stop him going after 1st love, but I cant sleep, I just find myself lying there cringing in case we touch.

Im not sure how long I can keep this up, the thought of trying to until after Christmas fills me with dread, getting through this week seems to hard enough and then the kids are on holiday for the next 2 weeks for half term. I have found a telephone number for womens aid, Im just not sure Im strong enough to put my kids though this. I cant ask my Dad for help, it wouldnt be fair on him, I darent even go and see him cause I know that would cause me to break down, it was bad enough when my mother in law rang me, I just couldnt stop crying when she asked how I was, and I dont even really get on with her.

Im sorry this is such a long post, and Im really grateful to you lot out there for just being there.

I would also like to add, I have seen some of the blogs that some of you have posted about me, and Im so touched, I dont have the words to reply to many blogs at the moment, just typing the above has taken me 2 hours.

ByteChaser2 52M

10/20/2005 8:37 am

I can so empathyze with your having to give up your friends. It's happened to me so many times I can't even count and I know how every time you have to give one up to simply appease your significant 'other' it's like cutting off a little peice of yourself.

It's great that you can pet this all in words... it'll halp some. And we're all here for ya.


DefiniteTrouble 50F

10/20/2005 11:26 am

My Kitty...when you're too weary to gather strength, you can always lean on me.

Love ya doll - DT

dranba 39F

10/20/2005 12:46 pm

MadKitten, I tried to post yesterday, but I suppose AdultFriendFinder didn't like it!

No-one should be obliged to give up their friends, but here, in Blogland, you have many friends that will stand by you.

Thinking of ya,

rm_deaminveni 50M
116 posts
10/20/2005 2:14 pm

MK I;m so glad you're still posting. We were/are all worried for you.

MisterPriapus 56M
6980 posts
10/20/2005 2:39 pm


Like I mentioned to you this morning, that's what Family is for! You obviously need to let these feelings out, pecking them into a keyboard isn't nearly as cathartic as verbalizing them.

Go see your Dad!

Even if there's nothing he can do to materially help, just being a sympathetic ear for you will help you out immensely.


Been a while since they last let me out into polite society. Resurfacing, catching a breath, & catching up.

And while I got my Broad-Brimmed Pimping Hat on, could I cajole all of y'all to Comment on, Alone In A Cloud? It's probably the best thing that I've written!



warmandsexy52 64M
13164 posts
10/20/2005 6:07 pm

We're with you
We care
We empathise
We want to help
in whatever ways we can

The emphasis is on we. You have so many good friends here who will be here to stand by you.

warm xx

digdug41 49M

10/20/2005 9:09 pm

I'm so glad that you came back to us I thought we lost you and I get attached too easily so you hang in there and you should go see your dad I agree with priapus because there is nothing like family!your blod one and your blogging one too stay strong dear kitten you know I got love for you and only want for you to be happy.its time you take the steps to do it it not gonna be easy nothing in life worth having ever is but this will make you a stronger person believe me
we are all here when you want to express yourself love ya kitten take care luv

roaming the cyber streets of blogland

MissAnnThrope 56F
11488 posts
10/21/2005 12:29 pm

madkitten, with this post, I'm even more worried about you. The fact he moved out and won't go away. The man has some serious mental issues. I know it's hard to escape with kids in tow, but it can be done. Get him out! Let him know your feelings haven't changed since April, they have nothing to do with 1st love, as you're not a home wrecker and you weren't even in touch with the guy when you first asked him to move out.

It is NOT your fault he went nuts this weekend. You have every right to speak to old friends. You have every right to joke with them. The man has issues with extreme jealousy and that's not healthy and it can be unsafe.

I agree with those who say talk to your father. I'm sure he'll be willing to help you and the kids out in some way. However, in the meantime...

Work on getting him out. When you get him out again, when he wants to see the kids, either have him pick them up or leave. Don't hang out so he can put pressure on you. If he's there to see the kids, then let him see the kids and not work you over. Be firm with him when it's time for him to leave. It sounds like this has been over for a while.

Now, you say you don't have this site bookmarked. However, it remains in the history and web cache. Clear them out everytime you get up from the computer! Leave no traces, lest he go nuts and try to kill you instead of himself next time.

You are strong enough to do this. Or you wouldn't be blogging here, or even admitting to yourself there's a problem.

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