I Don't Know How to be There  

lustcurious42 56F
257 posts
8/16/2006 10:49 pm

Last Read:
9/6/2006 7:49 pm

I Don't Know How to be There

Two oak trees standing tall, two concrete pillars, the foundation of a building, strengthI talk about my sweet lover alot. You know our history, our past, our now. There is alot of depth to our relationship beside the sexual aspects of it. And we are both rock hard. Like the oak tree, like the pillar. He called minutes ago. His mom lives in California and his sister called him tonight to say they found her dead in her home. She had the beginning of altzheimer's and my sweet lover and I had talked about some of the hard choices he would need to make in his near future. Choices he no longer has to face. I listened to the strength in his voice, the unquavering of his voice. But I know him. The tears will come. The hurt will come. For now it is probably a unreality. And I felt myself hanging up the phone, realizing I don't know how to be there for him. I offered to go to him tonight if he needs me, I told him I am here should he need to talk in the middle of the night, I told him to let me call on flights or anything else that I can do. I told him that when he gets home, whether that is in one week or three, that I will be here waiting for him and that I will be here should he need me for anything. But somehow my words seem empty. Like I should be rushing to be with him. Yet, I realize he will probably be on the phone most of the night with his sister and that if he needs me, he'll reach out to me. And I hate to admit it. I really do. It's hard to admit. But my selfish me finds my mind thinking about what a terribly upsetting time for him and is our new found relationship strong enough. Isn't that awful to think? In one of the saddest moments of a persons life, I am being purely selfish and thinking of ME. Of what I want. Of what I need. But all I know is that I will be here for him, to help him in any way that I can simply because I love this man a great deal (have any of you figured that out yet???). It's just simply, I haven't the slightest idea of how to be there for him.............

lustcurious42 56F

8/17/2006 5:36 am

Good advice Honni. I want to be there for him too and I realize I may not get the phone calls or what I am used to for the next few weeks, so I'll be patient as well
Thank you so much for the advice..........

goodatpoetry2 66M
12369 posts
8/17/2006 11:30 am

Damn, that Honni's a smart girl!
You're doing well. Just offer to be there when needed, then give him his time.
His thoughts may be scattered, but he knows you're his rock.

lustcurious42 56F

8/17/2006 7:56 pm

Thanks GoodatP (damn, I need a new nick for you....that just doesn't read right!!).
I got to see him a bit after work tonight and might see him tomorrow before his flight if schedules work out. First thing my Mom asked me is aren't you going with him? I told her nope mom. I'd go if he asked, and he knows that. We've only been back together a couple months and bringing me with him and explaining this relationship is probably not the right timing, and I can respect that.
But I am amazed after not seeing him for a couple days at how much I was missing him. I scare me. I'm usually so independent, usually feel smoothered by a man. But I seriously was missing him, even though we'd been talking by phone and things. Wow, I am in trouble. Is it supposed to be like this? Oh geesh, I forgot I wasn't writing a new blog and was just responding to your response....

ghost_wolf_runs 70M

8/17/2006 7:58 pm

lusty... be "there" with him... not here

lustcurious42 56F

8/17/2006 8:56 pm

Ahhh Ghost, I would but somehow it isn't feeling right. I'm not sure if he isn't wanting to ask me because he knows I'd have to scramble to get kids situated and then there's that little thing called work or if he really just needs to go alone. I don't want to push it. I'm a believer in personal space, and he's a strong man. We talked tonight about how it was actually a blessing......being able to die at home, in your own bed.
I've missed you. Where have you been?

maggie2108 62F
57 posts
8/17/2006 9:47 pm

Lust, sometimes people need to do things for themselves. All you can do is to be there if they need, Don't feel bad about not being with him, you are right, the situation could be a bit too new to have to explain things. Let a bit of it be simple, and you've done that. Just be there for him when he needs you.

And, I'm sorry

lustcurious42 56F

8/17/2006 10:13 pm

Maggiegirl---have I told you this week that I love you? I love you.......

economickrisis 54M

8/18/2006 2:32 am

I'm sorry that you seem to be going through such a tough time

nightis 52M

8/18/2006 5:53 am

Lusty, you seem to under value yourself and what you have to offer as so many do. Don't think for a minute that while he is dealing with some of the dark things he must, that you don't come to mind. It is like a soft message that the are "Better Days" ahead. You are one piece of his life right now that can be counted on. You have told him so, you are living it. If he is the kind of man you say he is, he will appreciate that and not take you for granted!

lustcurious42 56F

8/18/2006 2:52 pm

Economic--ahhhh thanks and nice to see ya popped in!!
Nightis--I did spend the morning with him and got him to the airport. We had some good talks and I also sent him a note yesterday and he was telling me how much he appreciated it, how written with love it was, and how he loves me for that. I think I'm feeling better now. Sooooo, guess I get a week or two to flirt and party now!!! Seriously, I do hope to see my girlies but I do hope to behave myself. As for undervaluing, I just know how fragile relationships can be and how they can end in a blink of an eye. I'm trying to become stronger and not have that be my expectation.

maggie2108 62F
57 posts
8/18/2006 3:06 pm


Awww why thank you, and you know what? I love you too!

ghost_wolf_runs 70M

8/19/2006 11:15 am

Work has eaten up all my fun time lately...but I check in on your blog when i get a chance...Been a pretty wild ride for you lately hasn't it? ping my email to chat sometime...okay?

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