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the season of our discontent
the season of our discontent
Everyone seems to be bearing to be bearing their souls these days so here's mine.....flambe' if you will.
I had an older sister who was the larger than life version of me while I was growing up a shy nervous girl.
She and I were born 17 months apart.
Inseperable until the issue of boys, then chaos.
She was blonder, more buoyant, bigger bluer eyes.
became the bane of my existance.
I lived in her shadow and loved her regardless.
she was murdered in Denver this last February and left to rot for three weeks before anyone found her.
god rest her tortured soul.
this is why i am crazy right now.
it hurts and makes me mad because there is no changing any of it.
she was a demented bitch who endevored to make my life harder. her psychiatric care ate up any college money for me.
she f****ed every boyfriend i had in high school.
now she's dead and i feel bad for feeling any anger towards her.
my life is disheaveled and i cant seem to stop the topsy turvy part.
im fine most of the time but then it hits
out of the blue
like the engine broken off from some high overhead jet plane spiraling down on me from the probable future.............to crush the breath from me leaving me standing there waiting for the damn bus in the rain.
I guess its one of those days when the tears have no choice
how does one relinquish the hold on the other side of ones self?
f****ing symbiotic relations.........Let's all drink gin and tonic and raise the glass to the late, great BRENDA.
11/14/2005 12:59 pm
I'm sorry for your loss. |
Here is a warm, heartfelt cheers. Wipe the tears my love!
11/14/2005 5:32 pm
I can't imagine what you have had to deal with. Although, my brother has been MIA for 10 years and none of my family knows whether he is alive or dead. We all hope that he is alive and that one day he will contact us.
I hope that you can find the serinity that you need.
11/14/2005 5:40 pm
Dollgirl, I've never been able to speak up during times of personal tragedy. As outspoken as I am, words escape me when needed most. I am truly sorry for your pain and wish I could ease it all for you. This is a lasting hurt that will shape your future and be with you in the times that she would not. I know you'll get through this, you've endured so much. I cannot relate and therefore know no words of wisdom in this regard. All I can offer you are my prayers and I know that does nothing. If I were there, I'd give you hugs. Here's to Brenda, and positive vibes I send your way.|
11/15/2005 3:01 am
The phone call came, just as the news started, i took it anyway. Many are the timew I wished I had not, but I did. |
My older brother at age 23 is dead. Auto accident. Seems he went up on a hill to help some others out during a hard rain storm. Buddy, slick but he went anyway. He altered the pickups position to get a better pull, truck slipped and dislodged a rock. Too bad the rock was the size of a washing maching! Truck rolled a very long way and many many times, by brother managed to grab his passenger and hold him down hard until his own life had been beaten out of him. Though strapped in, Well it was not enough.
My young wife and I are watching the news, the crackeled my brothers name! The addident crap and such. I stil did not desire to believe it. But it was true. I would NEVER be able to tell my brother how much I did care about him. We also were 17 months apart. Hmmmm do humans get horney after just so long after giving birth? I also had a son 18 months after our first.
I never wanted to see such a look on my fathers face again, EVER! The almost total despair he carried was almost more than I could stand. I had way too much to do, yet even with the distractions I gotta say it was hell.
I had to say good by to my father 3 years ago, basically on his birthday no less.
One thing we can be assured of is that none of us will get out of this life living! The other is taxes and way too many of them.
I'm so very sorry for your loss. I'm also very sorry for the circumstances of such loss. Such matters and I hope they caught and are hanging the person responsible. But she is gone, and she will for ever be gone in pysical presense. You can't bring her back, you can't call her up. Empty spot, unlisted number. But such is such. It can't be changed.
Your challenge is to accept it, and MOVE on with YOUR life now.
No matter what r/l you and your sis had, it's is now one of the past tense. HAD! It's time to move forward and put the past where it must be put, and that is behind you. You can't be angry at any dead person. Well some you can, but your sis was not pioloting a plane on 911 either. Box it up, tape it shut, put it on the shelf. All of it. You can go back at any time you desire. But the box must be retaped up when you are done and replaced on the shelf.
Today it is you and you alone that must address YOUR life! You can't blame anybody else as of this point. If you have some weaknesses, address them. But forget finger pointing and anger at your dead sister. They are gone!
Big huggs to you girl.
I hope this has been a tiny sliver of aid to you.
Ciao 4 niao
11/15/2005 8:17 am
its just had thinking of her murdered.
11/16/2005 12:15 am
I can imagine how very difficult it must be to know that somebody killed your beloved sister. Even if there is a reason, such does not matter.|
I can't help but bring up the little 14 yr old that had to setp past the bodies of her parents a couple of days ago in PA. Or her sister that actually watched her sisters boyfriend shoot her father! Then later hear another shot and learn later, probably by personal discovery her mother also was not going to fix dinner tonight. Such times try us all.
Keep yer pecker up morassy, the sun will shine again!