Why am I here?  

lushgirl69 49F
329 posts
10/16/2005 8:32 am

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

Why am I here?

I am asked this question on a regular basis. And I mean this site , not in the larger metaphysical sense....
I returned to this site after a messy break-up (which included the fianal straw of a smack in the face) and set me down in a sleepy town with nothing but the internet to amuse me. I had a battered self image and hopes of getting a occasional mood elevator without having to get on psych meds.
I have lived in the Dallas area most of my life...yes, a true native. I had a very sheltered upbringing in the typical suburbs and grew up to hate the mundane.
I got married way too young, before I knew who I was, much less who he was and what marriage should be...whatever that is.....
He was a horticulturist...sativa to be exact. We were involved in the mass cultivation of sid plant for many years and this envivonment lead to experimentation with many varieties of other substances. This is a predictable story.....It was good in some ways, bad in many others and took a toll on my health and life in general.
The best things that came out of this doomed marriage were my two daughters.
The other benefit of the situation was an incredible strength; a determination that no matter what lay ahead of me in this world, I was able to handle it. Self preservation.
I began to know myself in a real way when my husband was invited to go on an extended vacation by the state of Texas.
This was the first time as an adult that I started to explore my individuality. I became myself instead of being someone's this that or the other.
I have been daughter, sister, mother, bitch, wife, mistress, girlfiend, companion, slave, and slut, and lover.
What I thought I was looking for here has been too easily attined. I thought I would get an ego boost and a smile.

There's something else.
I have found friends... good ones.
I have found potential for more.
I have some profound new truths about myself through other people's perceptions.
I have the flush of excitement everytime I read certain mail messages.
I think I may have found something just right for now.
I can't say whether this newness is just passing or fleeting. I get concerned that I am just setting myself up for more nonsense... I don't know, not sure I care right now.
I want what I want and that's okay...
Is it likely that I am screwing up to a certain degree? Hell, nothing good comes without risk....

So once again, our heroine, Danger Girl throws caution to the wind (dramtic theme music surging in the background) and flings herself into her next adventure with reckless abandon.....

you never know what that girl is likely to do.

rm_VoodooGuru1 49M
2053 posts
10/16/2005 2:39 pm

Entertaining post LG, and written well.

Please realize that while reward usually demands risk, risk does not always promise reward.

gemini0157 59M  
6842 posts
10/17/2005 11:36 am

I think you should follow your intuition.... and do what makes you happy and hope your choices turn out well.

lushgirl69 49F

10/17/2005 12:31 pm

Such is life, Voodoo...I thank you for the reminder...I get cocky at times...

lushgirl69 49F

10/17/2005 12:34 pm

Harshawj.....the rewards are worth the work and the risk and all the things that run the gammet of emotion from there and in between...I like the road less traveled...I ahve a few compatriots to go along as well....life is good...

rm_TwiztedCharm 56M
456 posts
10/20/2005 6:47 pm

I can't believe I missed reading this before. Sounds as though you have had an interesting life. Why must we all have pain to equal the pleasure.... if only we could find NIRVANA.

I just love that picture of you...a very beautiful, sensuos and mysterious woman .... too bad your so far down south

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