The last time I made love  

lushgirl69 49F
329 posts
12/15/2005 10:20 am

Last Read:
3/29/2006 4:04 pm

The last time I made love

Warm day, no work til Wednesday......If we wanted we could spend all 3 days in bed.
I hadn't seen him in quite a while and things had been left in a state of havoc. Bad things said and felt......
There was hesitation at the door; we hugged in discomfort and settled in for a cocktail and some light conversation. Other friends mingled while he and I tred lightly on touchy subjects until there was a lull...
" So what are you doing the rest of the day?'
"I'm not sure.... it's nice outside.......we could walk to your place and hang out for a while if you want......"

The physical quality of the eye contact......waves of intensity.....and so we did.
Just inside the door, groping, lips locked.... It felt like something out of a movie, as though I was outside myself watching the scene.......tumbling down to the floor, losing clothes and any doubts.
ecstacy in his arms........tears and moans......

I felt the rush and pang of lost things and the feeling of wishing for infinity in that moment........never to feel anything other than his touch his lips and the rigid depth of him inside me......clinging with the very muscles that could as easily push him away.....
and then....
It was over as fully as it had started.

The old baggage and resentments crept up in insidious ways and the gap between us returned to the previous chasm....
Is the any reprieve?
I wonder at myself that as easily as we seem to fall in and out of love, there can be no real connection.......
To feel everything one day; to simply have a small issue implode it all and shatter the emotional bond in an instant the next.
I wonder at a world where the love inside us whithers and dies with no chance of renewal.

rm_TwiztedCharm 56M
456 posts
12/15/2005 8:52 pm

Is this why you have been gone? I have missed you.

I only seem to fall in and out of LUST, which is fine as long as I don't ever get confused about the difference between love and lust again. You just need to find some pretty young men to exersize with and get rid of any stress. Keep them guessing and on short ropes.

Run like hell from those who would seek to posess, change or control you. If one wants to spoil you just as you are that might be OK. I am glad to see you back and have a nice xmas.

lushgirl69 49F

12/16/2005 12:24 pm

bjh-glad to be back......those feelings are part of what makes us real and vulnerable, I suppose......I just needed someone at the need for contact superceeds logic.

Harshawj.....knowing is more than enough right life is slowly getting less complicated and it's good to have those who are trul;y in cahoots with me...., I left for self improvement.....this gentleman is a good friend, but not worth a melt down........the young men down here seem to be all that you described.....better to do without than settle. Getting spoiled? That's a thought.
glad to be here... and bliss to ya'll this holiday as well.....

gemini0157 59M  
6842 posts
12/16/2005 2:12 pm

I don't know why some relationships are so fragile. How they can go from 0 to 60 and back just like that. I certainly can't speak for you but, I think I can blame my own sense of false expectations and my unwillingness to adapt in these matters. Anyway, you seem lovely, I think a good connection is in the future for you.

swinginsounds 33M

12/17/2005 1:34 am

Howdy lush I got your message figured I'd drop you a line. I read you blog I think one day we should take more about it . hit me up

NonceFicinMoron 49M

12/17/2005 6:42 am

Love is a fickle often does seem to come and go for no reason...
i think if you want the incredible highs you have to take the lows that go along with them....
And i would say if it withers and dies so easily it was not love to begin with...perhaps just lust.

rm_Colnagoim 52M

12/17/2005 8:43 am

You know , there is something to be said about ; if you can`t wake up every morning & look at your partner & say I love you shouldn`t be there . I`m still looking myself

lushgirl69 49F

12/17/2005 8:45 am

I am old enough to understand the difference between love and lust...... are so right........i've figured out that the biggest thing is that expectations and resentments can destroy even the most incredible connection........

Stiff.... I guess I am just a bit wary from the experiences of highs and lows.....sometimes also known as manic....The intensity can be overwhelming......

And Swingin'......always good to find a kindred soul.........thanks for reading my self absorbed little rantings........22 and counting, eh?

10......that's another stunning number....

lushgirl69 49F

12/17/2005 9:07 am

I know the difference between love and lust, but as you say, Gemini....the expectations and resentments can trash a great connection......My issue has become a matter of letting those who truly care in.........

Stiff....the point is not highs and lows as much as manic these days......ebb and flow is acceptable, whereas neglect and obsession is not.......Love can be taken as quickly as given.......

Swingin'....always good to find kindred spirits........feel free to hit me up as well........

lushgirl69 49F

12/17/2005 9:10 am post not shown and then...VOILA....after having reposted......hate this thing sometimes, so please bear with the slight duplication....

And all I know< doll.........looking is all we can do til we find the right fit....

Plano69 54M

12/19/2005 10:17 am

Hmmmm... Seems to me if it was so easy to drop, it wasn't very deep to begin with... What you're calling love may be more akin to lust...

lushgirl69 49F

12/19/2005 11:42 pm

wellhllll...thast love really ended the day he popped me upside the head, but I was weak and lonely and went to him as a form of self depricasting masochism.......I just wanted some good had been a while....i really didn't expect for the emotional aspect of it all to rear its ..ugly head.....but I am an emotionally based person and it is hard to just seperate that, having experienced valid emotion with hin in the past.........i screw myself better than any man yet.....

rm_Young102 40M
181 posts
12/22/2005 10:23 pm

Love on the run..... elusive feelings that weight heavy on our emotional world. Love is always elusive, hard to define, hard to comprehend and hard to maintain. What starts has an end; relationships have a dramaturgical structure: meeting, passion, separation, reunion. To find and maintain love in a relationship, we go through these stages and accordingly we alter our feelings. Love ends when we separate. But when reunion is achieved this is based on necessity and comfort--we need to feel safe-we need stability- we need the social acceptance; thus we compromise and love what society taught us to love.... comfort.

Plano69 54M

12/25/2005 4:14 am

Just back to wish you a wonderful Christmas!!
Hope your dreams come true...

swinginsounds 33M

12/27/2005 7:21 pm

been a minute .. so Lg what are you aching for? i figured id see how you were doing hit me up

Erik_Bloodaxe 56M

12/29/2005 2:16 am

Love is a cruel trick, Lush. We are at its mercy

14u24me34all 51M
235 posts
12/29/2005 5:07 pm

Makes you wonder.....
Sometimes(mistakenly I hope,...)I can't help but feel that "they" were wrong when they said money is the root of all evil...Seems to me that the hurt in my life caused by love (and that Is an evil hurt) far outweighs the hurt caused by money...
Yet we leave gaping chinks in the armor with the hopes of letting someone in who would prove us wrong....

lushgirl69 49F

12/30/2005 11:09 am

Bloodaxe-It's a hoax to be sure. I long for the day when love's hold on me becomes a moot point, a slight scar that itches a bit then fades away as all those past loves have.

J-I have to agree with you, has caused more damage to me than money ever has.
It is the vast and aching hope for more that weighs us down and makes us long for the things (insubstantial and weak at best, more often than not) to enhance our feelings.

Anything that takes us out of the moment or sets the endorphins rolling through our brains.........I have pretty much given up the idea that this life is meant for real fulfillment.
It is all too traansient and my love seems to be thrownaway like so much bad rubbish.
I know, their loss, but mine as well.
miss ya... will write you later.

14u24me34all 51M
235 posts
12/30/2005 3:08 pm

That, my dear,SUCKS...maybe that is part of our problem,having invested time and soul in the pursuit of fulfillment,and having that investment discarded like it was disposable, we look for some kind of instant gratification to erase the memory for a time...but never long enough..
but transient as life is, we still have a right to a life worth embracing rather than loathing...don't you think?

lushgirl69 49F

12/31/2005 1:03 am

Oh, hell, yes........
Life itself is worthy.
Embracing it, absolutely.
I am just beginning to wonder if solitude is maybe the key to some sort of peace of mind.
Maybe I am just not suited to have the other lingering type of intimacy that I crave.
In the immediacy of physical longing, I forget the after effects of how i really want more.
A big catch 22 if you ask me.

Like the new pic, by the way, love.

14u24me34all 51M
235 posts
12/31/2005 1:52 pm

    Quoting lushgirl69:
    Oh, hell, yes........
    Life itself is worthy.
    Embracing it, absolutely.
    I am just beginning to wonder if solitude is maybe the key to some sort of peace of mind.
    Maybe I am just not suited to have the other lingering type of intimacy that I crave.
    In the immediacy of physical longing, I forget the after effects of how i really want more.
    A big catch 22 if you ask me.

    Like the new pic, by the way, love.
I am sooo bloody sick of solitude....

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