Okay. Screw you guys, I'm goin' home....wait, isn't where I am?  

lushgirl69 49F
329 posts
10/21/2005 10:18 am

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

Okay. Screw you guys, I'm goin' home....wait, isn't where I am?

I don't have a thing to say except that this sucks.
I want to be anywhere but here today.
I want someone to get me the f#*k out of here.
I live in a place that doesn't feel like a home. I don't feel welcome....I just slept yesterday, because it was the one sure way to avoid this reality. I haven't had enough work to keep me truly busy and I know my incredibly overbearing housemates , yardmates, whatever.....they will be home sometime in the next few and there is no real escape.
I have been set here to learn some sort of f@*~ed up lesson, I know....
I've been invited to go to the Gaylord with two very attentive gentlemem who assure me that they would keep me busy.

I'm not going

I am in a total funk.
It's not what I want or expect that is kicking my ass, it's just that I don't feel real or concrete......
I don't feel tangible or as if I am really existing at this stage.
Everything is so out of reach.... I want to feel needed and loved.
I want to feel as if anyhing I do is making some sort of difference instead of just wasting time and energy to fruitless endeavors.
Don't get me wrong, there are things and people in my life who make all the difference, but I am seperate from them and distanced by other issues beyond my control.
I know that I am loved and needed, but dammit...it is just too far away for me to touch when I really need it.
Like now.
I wish there was a magic potion or a phrase that could obliterate these rancid feelings.
I wish I could be on a train right now.
I wish I lived anywhere but here.
I hate this dread.
I hate the fact that I put myself here with no reprieve.
I want to be with the one I want so badly.
I want this all to change.

I want to be touched and held and adored and I am just sad at the knowledge that it isn't going to happen, at least not for what seems to be a very long time.

I can't help but feel as though it is just screwed up. I hope that I am not just spinning my wheels to no end.
I know nothing worth having is easy.
I know that it is all worth waiting for .
I know this is just a passing phase and one day.......
but it's today.
and today sucks.
And I mean BAD.......


Sizzle364
(Juan S)
52M
2642 posts
10/21/2005 10:50 am

woh...!!!

There are just as many arguments to stay inside and heal as there are to go out and just "do" something. You sound like me in regards to your feelings. I definately identify.
All I can really suggest is what I say to myself...and TRY my best to follow...
Dance like no one is watching...if you fall, stand back up, brush yourself off and keep doing it until you don't fall anymore... <Great big Sizzle Huggs!!>


Boy121975 41M

10/21/2005 11:26 am

Lushgirl,

Don't fret. To want to feel needed and loved is concrete. Today will pass and tomorrow will always be there. The most important thing in life is hope. Hope that today will be better than yesterday. Hope that tomorrow will be better than today. Hope that you are worthwhile. And hope that someone else will notice...

You are worthwhile and life will get better. Just keep hope alive inside of you and you'll find a way.

All the best,

D


TopFisher 63M

10/21/2005 1:45 pm

It's such a painn in the brain when the winds blow and stir the waves of depression that flow over and around us.

But it is the wind that drives life on this planet of ours, sometimes they blow too hard, like Wilma is doing today. Yet with a litttle cleaning after she passes, the tranquility of calm seas and soft sandy beaches will again return.

Let it blow, out with the bad, in with the good!

Extends a warm long distance hand to hold. (yeah I know it's not the same, but my current travel papers don't allow for more at this time)!


lushgirl69 49F

10/21/2005 3:44 pm

thank you everyone....it is just a moment...it will be gone.
the chocolate will help....Yoga will help more.
I just have to focus on the lesson here.
I wont have to repeat it that way.
*Hands held*
Gracious kindness accepted....
pappasittos does sound good.....
*sighs*


lushgirl69 49F

10/22/2005 9:57 am

Trav....
hell, yea!!!
Bring it on...I will find margaritas, mexican food (I'm a great cook,btw) and we'll see who we can scare out her in Big D!!!


lushgirl69 49F

10/22/2005 10:01 am

harshawj....
its just the inconsistencies of life that kick me on a regular basis...
I just wish it could all be easier....I do feel you...
I have to feel some immediacy...in the moment
Intimacy without real contact is getting me down...


CherryCurious 47F
186 posts
10/23/2005 11:49 am

i hate feeling like that good thing theres always tommorrow which is today so now you're ok


stosh13as 58M
2 posts
10/23/2005 4:44 pm

Just live life minute to minute, day to day, it gets bad, but also gets good...every day is a changing in the world, what you and others do, will change things...for the good or the bad, that is where the human trait comes in, you make of life what you want...no matter what...I will leave you with that for now...
A


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