Why Men Fail with Women  

luckywithladeez 49M
91 posts
9/17/2005 8:45 am

Last Read:
5/29/2016 10:06 pm

Why Men Fail with Women

Understanding Women, and Knowing What Women Want

Men often embark upon a rudimentary, ethical social strategy while courting women which merely scratches the surface of the male/female social dance, and thus often ends in their frustration, disapointment, and feelings of futility.

I remember doing the same thing long ago, before the desires and needs of women became plain to me. In that, no one social grace or tactic ensures a mutually enjoyable male/female social interaction, but rather a combination of the broad spectrum of social preferences unique and preferable to the couple in question may only ensure a successful courtship, and mutual fulfillment.

Thus, before, and whilst engaging a woman in discourse, or in the flesh, prescribe your goals and thus agenda: How well do you wish to engage said female? Are you seeking a long term, or short term relationship?

Avoid making any of the 10 worst mistakes that men make while courting women:

Mistake #1: Being Too Much Of A Nice Guy.

Have you ever noticed that the really attractive women rarely seem to be attracted to "nice" guys?

Of course you have.

You have also had attractive female friends that always seemed to date "jerks"... but for some reason, they were never romantically interested in you.

What's going on here? It's actually quite simple...Women don't base their choices of men on how "nice" a guy is. They choose the men they do because they feel a powerful GUT LEVEL ATTRACTION for them.

And guess what?

Being nice does not make a woman feel that powerful attraction, and being nice doesn't make a woman choose you. Men, I realize that this does not make logical sense, and it's hard to accept... but get over it. Until you accept this fact and begin to act on it, you will not have the success with women that you want.

Mistake #2: Trying To Convince Her To Like You.

What do most guys do when they meet a woman that they really like... but she's just not interested? Right! They try to "convince" the woman to feel differently. Well, I have news for you...YOU WILL NEVER CHANGE HOW A WOMAN "FEELS" WHEN IT COMES TO ATTRACTION!

Never, ever, EVER.

You cannot convince a woman to feel differently about you with "logic and reasoning".

Think about it.

If a woman doesn't "feel it" for you, how in the world do you expect to change that feeling by being "reasonable" with her? But men do it...When a woman just isn't interested, we beg, plead, chase, and do our best to change her mind.

Mistake #3: Looking To Her For Approval Or Permission.

In our desire to please women (which we mistakenly think will make women like us), us guys are always doing things to get a woman's "approval" or "permission".

This is another terrible strategy.

Women are rarely attracted to the types of men who kiss up to them...ever. Don't get me wrong here. You don't have to treat women badly for them to like you. But if you think that treating a woman well means "always getting her approval and permission for things", think again. You will rarely succeed by looking for approval. Women actually get annoyed at men who seek their approval.

Doubt me? Just ask any attractive woman if Wussy guys who chase her around and want her approval annoy her...

Mistake #4: Trying To Buy Her Affection With Food And Gifts.

How many times have you taken a woman out to a nice dinner, bought her gifts and flowers, and had her reject you for someone who didn't treat her even half as well as you did?

Well guess what?

It's only natural when this happens...That's right, I said natural. When you do these things, you send the woman a clear message:
"I don't think you'll like me for who I am, so I'm going to try to buy your attention and affection".

Your good intentions, particularly too early in a relationship, usually come across to women as over-compensation for insecurity, and weak attempts at manipulation. That's right, I said that women see this as manipulation.

Mistake #5: Sharing Too Much About How You Feel Too Early In The Relationship With Her.

Another huge and unfortunate mistake that most men make with women is sharing too much about how they "feel" too early on in the relationship.

Attractive women are rare. And they get a lot of attention from men. Most men don't truly realize how often really attractive women are being approached in one way or another. An attractive woman is often approached several times a day by men who are interested. This translates into dozens of times per week, and often hundreds of times per month.

And guess what?

Attractive women have usually dated a lot of men.
That's right. They have experience.
They know what to expect. And one thing that turns an attractive women off and sends her running away faster than just about anything is a guy who starts saying "You know, I really, really like you" after one or two dates.

This signals to the woman that you're just like all the other guys who fall for her too fast... and can't control themselves. Don't do it. Lean back. Relax.

Mistake #6: Not Understanding How Attraction Works For Women.

Women are very different from men when it comes to attraction. You need to accept this fact, and deal with it. When a man sees a beautiful, young, sexy woman, he instantly feels a sexual attraction.

But does the same apply for women?

Do women feel sexual attraction to men based mostly on looks? Or is something else at work here? Women usually have their "attraction mechanisms" triggered by things other than looks. Have you ever noticed that you see a lot more average and unattractive men with beautiful women than the other way around?

Think about it.

Women are more attracted to certain qualities in men...and they are attracted far more to the way a man makes them feel than they are to looks alone. If you know how to use your body language and communication correctly, you can make women feel the same kind of powerful sexual attraction to you that you feel when you see a hot, sexy young woman. But it's not an accident. You have to learn how to do this.

Mistake #7: Thinking That It Takes Money And Looks.

One of the most common mistakes that guys make is giving up before they have even gotten started...because they think that attractive women are only interested in men who have looks and money...or guys who are a certain height...or guys who are a certain age. And sure, there are some women who are only interested in these things. But most women are far more interested in a man's personality than his wallet or his looks.

There are personality traits that attract women like a magnet...and if you learn what they are and how to use them, you can be one of these guys. You do not have to "settle" for a certain woman just because you are not rich, tall, or handsome.

Let me say this again: If you know how to use your body language and communication correctly, you can make women feel the same kind of powerful sexual attraction to you that you feel when you see a hot, sexy young woman.

Mistake #8: Giving Away All Of Your Power To Women.

Earlier I mentioned that it is a mistake to look to a woman for approval or permission. Well, another similar tactic that a lot of guys use is giving away their power to women. Said differently, guys try to get women to like them by doing whatever the woman wants.

This is another bad idea...

Women are rarely attracted to men that they can walk all over...Remember, there is a huge difference between being sensitive and being flaky...Women aren't attracted to Wussies!

Mistake #9: Not Knowing Exactly What To Do In Each Type Of Situation With Women.

Now, men, take a deep, deep breath and accept that...

A woman always knows what you're thinking.

Women are approximately ten times better than men at reading body language. That's right, TEN TIMES.

I know, I know, it might be hard to believe, but for example, if you're out on a date with a woman, and you want to kiss her, she knows it even before you make your move! And if you don't know exactly what to do and exactly how to kiss her, and you just sit there looking at her and getting nervous, she won't help you! And this goes for all aspects of women and dating...Approaching a woman, getting her number, asking her out, kissing her, getting physical... everything. If you don't know what to do in each situation, you will probably screw it up... and lose your opportunity...FOREVER. And you know it.

It is vitally important that you know exactly how to go from one step to the next with a woman...from the first meeting, all the way to the bedroom.

Mistake #10: Not Getting Help.

This is the biggest mistake of all.

This is the mistake that keeps most men from ever having the kind of success with women that they truly desire. I know, guys don't like to make themselves appear weak or helpless...We don't like to ask for help.

I've been there myself.
---------------------------------------------------

Only after mastering, and thus avoiding, these 10 mistakes, will you rise above your flawed boilerplate Mr. nice-guy social strategy, and ultimately become more successful in romance.



sensually_me

9/18/2005 6:41 pm

#1 - There is such thing as being too nice, and it doesn't make me like a man any more or less. However, being the total opposite, as in really mean is a great turn off. There has to be a happy medium.

#2 - Attraction cannot be convince. It's either there or it isn't.

#3 - Yes, wussy men do annoy me! I love a strong, confident man who has a backbone over one that I have to "baby".

#4 - You can't buy love.

#5 - I'd rather get my feelings in order before a man tells me his. If he tells me how attracted he is to me, especially early on, and I don't feel it the same amount, it makes me back off just a little. However, I don't want to guess at it either. If I don't see the right signals, I'll eventually wonder how he really feels.

#6 - I agree. Looks may catch my attention at first, but if you can't carry on an intelligent conversation, the looks pretty much mean nothing. Good looks don't hurt, but stimulate my mind or you can't stimulate my body.

#7 - Again, if you have no intelligence, money and looks are nothing. I'm much more attracted to a man's mind than I am his wallet.

#8 - Well said.

#9 - It's not always necessary to know every single move in advance. Some things are better played by ear.

#10 - Ask for help when you need it. Just like with crying. Don't be so macho that you can't also be human.

Good points there, ~Mr. Lucky. *s*


Theflinkychick 105F

9/18/2005 7:29 pm

You are dead on with this! Are you going to put up Why Women Fail With Men? Cause I sure could use the help.

Back to what you have written in this entry. I don't want to have to make the decisions in a dating situation. I hate to be asked "Where would you like to go?" Why? Two reasons. The first being I really would like to not have to make the decision, my life is full enough of choices that I HAVE to make. For crying out loud, have a couple of choices and show me you can PLAN something and that you took the time to do it! The other reason is I DON'T KNOW WHERE I WANT TO GO! I haven't thought about it because I thought when you asked me out that you had something already in mind. It is possible to plan what you would like to do on a perfect date and already know what you want to do when you find the perfect woman to take on that perfect date. Otherwise we will end up saying "I don't know, where do YOU want to go?" back and forth for twenty minutes before a desination is halfway clear. If you pick a bad restaurant or movie but are really in the moment and really paying attention to me, I couldn't care less if the food, service or movie stinks!

Not all who wander are lost.


your_gypsy 51F

9/20/2005 9:04 am

i think it is great you are sharing your wisdom with others in the spirit of helping someone. i have some comments to make:

>Mistake #1: Being Too Much Of A Nice Guy.

i don't think it's a mistake to be nice at all. even if he's "too nice." i am so encouraged that there are still men out there who will go to lengths to let me know how he feels about me. i do think if a guy is genuinely nice, and unconditionally so, that shines through and that *is* a big turn on, for me. on the other hand, if he's being nice and expect something in return, even expecting the other person to be as nice as he, that also comes through and it's a turn off to me. don't be nice and then complain about how people aren't nice to you, in other words. just be nice. if you're nice and shut up about it, and live your life, you'll find someone...

>Mistake #2: Trying To Convince Her To Like You.

agreed. beyond perhaps one more stab at it, some show of creativity just to make sure that i'm not interested, this just makes me feel weird, and i believe it's manipulative, too.

Mistake #3: Looking To Her For Approval Or Permission.

i just don't like it when a man leaves everything up to me. "ask your mother." or "talk to my wife. she deals with that stuff, not me." or even "well, what did you want me to do for your birthday/our anniversary/_______ (special occasion)?" *that* i have experience with. i don't have experience with a man who looks to me for approval, at least i'm not aware of it.

Mistake #4: Trying To Buy Her Affection With Food And Gifts.

i'm a sucker for a gift. you could wrap a rock in festive paper and i'd be a kid again. i don't get too many gifts, apparently!

recently, though, i saw an old friend, a guy i used to date. we ended things a year or so ago on good terms, just like most old boyfriends or lovers, and whenever we see each other it's hugs and sweet nothings. he sent me flowers out of the clear blue several days after we saw each other, after i had returned back home to texas. i was totally surprised and moved to tears.

maybe i'm the exception to the rule here...

Mistake #5: Sharing Too Much About How You Feel Too Early In The Relationship With Her.

again, i've not had this. all the guys i date don't really show me a lot of emotion. except for the guy who i wrote about, one level above (#4). he told me he was falling in love with me. this was on our 5th date or so. he was also drunk when he did so, but the point is, i couldn't see how he could be in love with me by that point, and we had so many differences... it just wasn't realistic.

you wrote: "Attractive women are rare. And they get a lot of attention from men. Most men don't truly realize how often really attractive women are being approached in one way or another. An attractive woman is often approached several times a day by men who are interested. This translates into dozens of times per week, and often hundreds of times per month."

... this is true, but how many of those men are saying *how they really feel?* they may express their admiration, but very few how they really feel. one person i had once deflected because i couldn't deal with his calling 3-4 times a day, he tried one more time and told me that meeting me made him feel more alive, that he truly appreciated certain aspects about me, and so on. that helped to turn me around, gave him a second chance with me. and we are still friends...

Mistake #6: Not Understanding How Attraction Works For Women.

one thing i wish more men would do is *know* what to do with a woman... like i mentioned in my own blog yesterday i was so lonely and outright said to a male friend online who flirts with everyone, "i'm going to go masturbate, or should i stay here online and talk with you." i was being a rascal, but half serious. and you know what? he was oblivious, told me to have fun masturbating.

many times i'm here just waiting ... were a man i was interested in to just call me, or seize an opportunity, try something with me, he could very well make it with me. it's better to take a chance than be viewed as too passive...

Mistake #7: Thinking That It Takes Money And Looks.

or the opposite... being a fucking tightwad.

or, if you're financially challenged, being unimaginative. one of the best dates i had was a picnic at an open-air karaoke, followed by a massage (which i *never* get). didn't cost him a thing, but i LOVED it.

Mistake #8: Giving Away All Of Your Power To Women.

again, i don't have this problem!

Mistake #9: Not Knowing Exactly What To Do In Each Type Of Situation With Women.
you write: "It is vitally important that you know exactly how to go from one step to the next with a woman...from the first meeting, all the way to the bedroom."

... and then what? isn't there life beyond the bedroom? (but i do agree with this lesson. guys -- get your game on...)

Mistake #10: Not Getting Help.

... and not learning from their mistakes.

whew -- thanks for this!


warmandsexy52 64M
13164 posts
9/23/2005 11:40 am

Powerful stuff, lucky, getting really powerful responses. Highly insightful and rings true on the whole, and even truer with the wise words of sensually, flinky, gypsy and anemone. Blogging at its finest. The quality end of blogland and truly great reading.


luckywithladeez 49M
266 posts
9/26/2005 12:35 am

sensually_me,

Mistake #1: I think that I should have emphasized that: "of itself, being a nice guy usually attracts a woman to a man as a friend–makes her feel somewhat comfortable in his presence–not as a lover."

Mistake #9: I agree with you, but isn't it exceptional–memorable–when/if it works out that way? (“Having your cake and eating it too”

Thanks again for dropping by, and your advice, as well.

Flinky,

You're absolutely right, too often men mistakenly think that asking their girlfriend these questions shows their sensitivity towards her, when what the lady really desires is to relax, cut loose, leave all life's decisions behind, and enjoy herself.

Thanks again for dropping by, and your advice, as well.

your_gypsy,

Mistake #1: As I told sensually_me, I think that I should have emphasized that: "of itself, being a nice guy usually attracts a woman to a man as a friend–makes her feel somewhat comfortable in his presence–not as a lover." Thus, emphasizing my message to men, that being nice to women, of itself, rarely leads a woman to show sexual interest in a man. Particularly, I should emphasize that when a woman tells a man "no way" to sex, but "yes" to friendship, that he is wise to seek a sexual partner elsewhere, and NOT harbor any ill-will towards her, as she is NOT judging him as a person, but as her lover.

Mistake #3: Women have ALWAYS liked it that I avoid dumping responsibility in their lap, and likewise for NOT trying to take responsibility away from them, as well. [respecting each other]

Mistake #4: Don't get me wrong, we all like gifts! On the other hand, women are almost always savy enough to see when a man is trying to hide bad character flaws (like envy and social double-standards) behind cash. Finally, I love occasionally pampering women with flowers, gifts, and singing telegrams, but NOT in the beginning of a relationship. Once a bond is made, well then let the flood gates open...


Mistake #5: Of your friend, you say: "he tried one more time and told me that meeting me made him feel more alive...and give him a second chance with me. and we are still friends..."
Well, isn't that his problem, that "you're still friends," and not flaming lovers!
On the other hand, there is a large difference between a man making romantic overtures to you and telling you his life's story,isn't there? I.e. "I come alive when I'm with you" is romantic, while relating his adventures in grade school to you in great detail is too much, too soon.

Mistake #6: How right you are. If men can only understand that when a woman wants to play, they usually want in no uncertain terms, TO PLAY NOW!

Mistake 7: I totally agree with you that male tightwads are a joke.
But then, if he's a tightwad he's history, isn't he?

Mistake #9: Well put: "guys -- get your game on..." That's exactly my point.

Mistake #10: You raise an excellent point, that men invariably repeat the same mistakes with women, over and over.

Thanks again for dropping by, and your advice, as well.


luckywithladeez 49M
266 posts
9/26/2005 1:57 am

Anemone1,

Mistake #1: Of course, your feelings about a man are of paramount importance, however, doesn't a very attractive woman like yourself narrow down the field of your potential suitors a bit BEFORE checking a man out in great detail to ensure that you are "important to him, safe, secure, protected, and heard"? I.e. if your first deep-seated feeling about a man, for whatever reason, is BAD, don't you (almost) always look elsewhere for someone else that will make you FEEL good?
For example, let's say that he's a great guy, but he constantly chews on dried cowpies and blows his nose on the ground in public. Wouldn't you avoid him?

Of social graces, I agree with you that it's entirely up to the couple and the situation. For instance, in the 1980's a young lady and I went to an out-in-the-sticks rodeo on our first date, and believe me we had a shxx-kicking, foot stomping, and later, barn-dancing, good time of it!

Mistake 4: Exactly!

Mistake 5: Yes, I was only dealing with appearance. I agree with you that men can be intimidated–fear rejection–from beautiful women such as yourself. But, I disagree with you about the PRIME reason. Often, men get the impression that attractive women are stuck-up and vein, and thus difficult to approach, and therefore not worth the effort. Usually, what they miss is that often the attractive woman is even more insecure than they are themselves (Marilyn Monroe complex). [the insecurity behind the mask]

Mistake #6: How about just "kiss me" instead?

Mistake #8: Do you have all the power, or merely as much as clever men make you think you have? [smiles}

As you say yourself, this is the balance between men and women. And thus, it is not about power of one over the other at all, but instead about men and women complimenting, loving, respecting, nurturing, and understanding each other.

Mistake #10: Excellent point, that communicating and understanding your woman's (your soul mate's) needs are critical in a relationship.

Thanks again for dropping by, and your advice, as well.

warmandsexy52,

Yes, the contributions posted by sensually_me, flinky, gypsy, and anemone are indeed invaluable, as they add additional invaluable insights and weight to my article.

Thanks again for dropping by, and your compliments, as well.

Anemone1,

Once again, you clearly see and then point out that we embrace a critical social flaw in today's society. That men and women spend billions each year making each other physically attractive to one another, yet virtually nothing in helping men and women understand what actually makes relationships WORK.

Thanks again.

To everyone who contributed,

Thank you all very much for your suggestions, corrections, experiences, insights, and knowledge, particularly sensually_me, Theflinkychick, your_gypsy and Anemone1!

lucky


dano6332 56M

11/5/2005 8:31 pm

Lucky, For me personally it has always been about honesty. If I am with a partner I want and need honesty and will only return the same. If I am not doing something she wants or needs then for heaven sakes tell me and I will do the same. A lot of this stuff can be construed as games and I just dont do them. Example gifts If I have a hankering to send (and I normally will deliver not send) flowers than I just do it. If we are in a bookstore and she sees something she likes I will damn sure buy it and my ex once said "gosh I like that new escape model" than was surprised to see one in the driveway. I enjoy giving gifts as much as they enjoy getting them and no I am not buying affction just spoiling.

Overall a great post Thanks


luckywithladeez 49M
266 posts
11/19/2005 4:04 pm

Dano,

Thanks for stopping by.

While I agree with you that much of my post may be construed as game-playing, especially after the initial phases of a relationship, but most of my post is about rousing a lady's interest in you: meeting, attracting, and dating ladies in the beginning of a relationship.

How's the new job working out?

lucky


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