Holidays used to make me so happy!  

lovetoeatemtoo 49M
8 posts
11/23/2005 2:40 pm

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

Holidays used to make me so happy!

As I sit here 3 hours after everyone else in my office has gone home and is likely smiling, relaxing and getting ready to spend the next 4 days with their families I find myself looking for reasons to delay going home where I’ll have to put on my happy face.

Sure I love to spend time on Thanksgiving morning hanging out in my sweat pants watching the Thanksgiving parade laughing and joking with my kids but I can’t shake the feeling that my life is somehow now irrevocably broken!

Before I got to this point in my marriage I used to love this time of year because these holidays in particular were a time where I felt I could totally turn off my usual always on corporate brain and just bask in the joy of the love of my life and the product of that love, my kids. I used to become such a sappy emotional mess and everyone in my family just loved it.

Now I just no longer feel any respect or closeness to this woman who I share a house, a history, and what was supposed to be our future. Sure I put on a happy face, I try to force myself to be affectionate, warm and happy but I just don’t feel it. The emptiness this feeling produces is so deep, dark, cold and smothering it defies true description.

For the sake of my kids, the relatives and sanity I’ll undoubtedly perform but I can’t help but wonder at what cost to myself? How many more of these Birthdays, Holidays, Anniversaries and countless other events can I deny myself from feeling my true despair or more importantly doing something to change it? How much longer can I go on living a make believe existence before I forget who I am and how exquisite it is to truly love the person I’m sharing these events with.

I suppose life goes on and I know I’ll survive but I long for the day when I’m the “me” again who’s life is more fulfilled by seeing the joy I bring to someone I love and knowing that she feels the same way! For now at least I'll have to settle for the joy in the eyes of my children but I refuse to give up hope that there is a woman out there who can see through this fog and make both of our lives complete!

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