Giving her pure pleasure with your tongue-Eating your way to her heart!  

longnthck2u8 54M  
56 posts
8/15/2006 1:57 am

Last Read:
12/17/2015 7:40 am

Giving her pure pleasure with your tongue-Eating your way to her heart!

The secret to giving your woman great cunnilingus or head is to read the signs. You could be the best sexual mechanic in the world, but if you can’t read the emotional road signs, you’re going to end up wandering around in a desolate labial wasteland until, eventually, you drop from exhaustion, hot tears of confusion streaming down your face.

Think of eating the pussy as your way of saying, “Although I am about to rock your insides with 3,000 pounds of explosives, here’s a little treat session to show you how I really feel.” Instead of a screamed “OH MY GOD!!” like her baby has been trapped under a car (which is what fucking should do), cunnilingus elicits a more splendiferous “ohmygodohmygodohmygod.” Kind of like being massaged with exotic fruits by a muscular Arab oil sheik. A good mange (that’s French for “eat,” you brutes) is like a thousand years of Saturdays or a “Calgon, take me away” ad.
Break it down!

Be Down
Don’t go down unless you’re down. Unlike fellatio, cunnilingus can never be done as a favor. Doing it when you don’t want to will only bring on the dry heaves. Eat like a pig at the trough and a lot of stupid mistakes will be forgiven.

Don’t Say High to Dry
A dry pussy is an unhappy pussy. If your fingers graze a dry bush, go back to the kissing and hugging for a while. Just make sure you actually dip your finger between the lips. Sometimes moisture gets trapped between the labia and a little fingural coaxing is all that’s needed to get the honey dripping. Once you’re sure the beaver is wet, give it a few light, teasing strokes with your finger. There’s nothing worse than rushing into this, so make sure she’s really begging for it before you get under the covers.

Extra tip: Be like Prince and bring up a wet finger that both of you can share like a 1950’s milkshake with two straws.

Important: Don’t play your trump card too soon by putting your fingers all the way inside. This can detract from the upcoming penetration and kill the tease factor. Try to remember that 78 percent of a woman’s pleasure is about yearning. Poking it in too soon is sure to put out the fire.

Submarine Mission for You, Baby
Once she’s lathered up, it’s time to go down. Get your fingers out of there and don’t touch anything for a bit. Let your lap do a bit of grinding and get some last-minute necking in like you’re going away on a vacation. Though it’s very tempting on your way down to pull the blankets over your head like the little mole-man that you are, this is a very bad idea. It gets super hot down there and whipping the duvet off your head and gasping for air ten seconds before she comes is pretty much going to kill the mood. Start by kissing her boobs and stomach and slowly working your way down. Don’t get carried away with those stupid tits, though. That’s something you should have taken care of before the pants even came off. Right now it’s all about the stomach and inner thighs. A little bit of gentle biting is good, but a sure winner is to start at the knee and move toward the muff in a slow, shark-like swoop. Nibble your way right up to the edge of her pussy, then skip across it and head to the other knee. Repeat. Doing this a few times will get her really hot and save you a lot of pussy-eating time in the long run. When you’re just about ready to do the deed, start practicing on that weird crevice next to the lips. Don’t spend too long there or she might start to think that you think that’s the actual pussy. By now she should be dying for you to make your move. If you’re doing it right, she’ll be moaning and trying to force your head between her legs. Stretch this phase out until she looks like she’s been holding her breath for three days.
Extra Trick: Hover over the bush for about five seconds before the first lick. If you wait longer than that, she might think you’re having second thoughts because it smells bad. Of course, we all know that motherfucker smells sweeter than a bowl of steaming’ craw daddies, so make sure you tell her she smells so good, let her know you are ready to devour her totally.

Important: Never bite the pussy in any way unless you are asked to nibble or pull on the outer labia with your teeth. If this needs more explaining you should probably just stick to jerking off.

Parting the Red Seas
Isolate your playing field. Pubic hairs are to eating pussy what the Cavity Creeps are to dental hygiene. You’re never going to be able to identify all the parts if she looks like that hairy spot that never you never what to touch. To much hair is not cool. One hot trick is to get her to spread her lips apart so her pussy is all set up for you like a great big buffet.

The Grand Entrance
Do your first lick super slow. It’s good to groan and moan too. It shows you’re digging it while sending microscopic audio phonic vibrations right up her snapper. Start just above the anus and take it all the way to the fur. Do about a dozen of these St. Bernard licks before moving on (take it really slow, like four seconds per lick). This is a good time to figure out what kind of clit she has. If it’s real sensitive, she’ll probably convulse as you pass over it and that means you’re in for an easy ride. If there’s no reaction when you graze over her clit, she probably has one of those nerveless little pea clits and you’re in for a thirty-minute session of tongue tendonitis.

Rock the Boat
Eating pussy is so gentle it can make you feel like a bit of a fag. If you’re getting tired of being a ballerina boy, take it out on the clit. Figure out how much abuse it can take without making her uncomfortable and show the little bastard who’s boss. After all, Mr. Elusive is precisely what makes muff diving so difficult. He’s surrounded by labia and, even after you find him, all the pressure can pop him over to the side. All of a sudden you’re giving the pee hole the seeing-to of its life. Think of the clit as a tumor in a pile of earlobes. When you push down on the area, he’s the only one that can’t be squished. Once one of your tongue troopers finds him, call for reinforcements. Use your lips to get hers out of the way and focus all your attention on getting him alone. Once you find him, give him a bit of a hard time for trying to hide from you. Frisk him and give him a couple of whacks across the head. More on this punk and his bad attitude later.
Extra-important tip: The best way to stimulate the clit is to run your entire tongue over it after you isolate it from the lips. The man in the boat should feel the texture of the entire tongue pushing down on his body and his boat.

Identifying the Clit Type
After the slow licks it’s time to get this party started. There are essentially two types of clitori; ones that enjoy a serious going-over and ones that don’t. The latter suck about as much as a one-inch penis and you should dump her right away.

Extra tip: Clits come in all shapes, sizes, and sensitivities; but that doesn’t really tell you much. All of them want to be treated slow and soft at the beginning, but the only way you can tell if you can go fast at the end is by reading her reactions. This is impossible to teach, but just do the best you can. All I can tell you is convulsing means take it easy and “Oh my God” means bring it on.

Clits That Need a Serious Going-over
These are the most fun because you can be creative. Pretend your tongue is the bad cop and the clit is the guy who killed your partner. Separate him from his buddies (the lips) and suck him right up into your mouth. Now he’s on your turf. Keep him erect by creating an airtight vacuum chamber in your mouth. Slap the little bugger upside the head with one big tongue bonk. He’s not going to tell you shit because he’s a clit and he has no idea of what you’re talking about, but kick his ass anyways. After a few teasers and swirling circles, rat-a-tat-tat him senseless like a boxer whacking a speed bag. If she starts freaking out like it’s too much, ease up on the interrogation and go back to the St. Bernard licks. The vacuum is a great way to bring her to orgasm, but it’s a bit much sometimes, so mix things up with some circles around the clit and some tongue fucking.
As you’re closing in for the kill, go back to the vacuum and give the suspect a relentless head smacking. Up-and-downies are usually the most effective, but your tongue will get less tired if you throw in a few side-to-sides. When you feel the inner thighs start to shake, this is it. Be repetitive. Do NOT be creative. You’re almost home and this is not the time to start changing tactics.
Extra tip: To keep the rhythm going, try repeating a chant in your head that goes with the movement of your tongue like a Micmac Indian (hi-yi-yi-ya, hi-yi-yi-ya, hi-yi-yi-ya). Any inconsistent action may throw her off, killing the mood or at least setting you back a few minutes, which is bad for morale.

Important: Keep going several seconds after her orgasm. Remember, it isn’t over until the hands come down from above and lay you off. If she’s multiorgasmic, you’ll have to keep going until you’ve done the whole routine another four or five times. If you’re not sure what to do, just keep giving her shit until the magic hands come down.

Clits That Don’t
Some clits don’t want to be singled out and battered around. These are the boring ones that need to be treated with gentle care. Just do casual St. Bernard licks until she cums, pure and simple. If you’re getting bored try going in some different directions for a while. A good way to keep it random is to spell out different letters of the alphabet with the tip of your tongue. You could be looking at half an hour here, pal, and that can be problematic. If you go for that long and she doesn’t cum, you’re going to be in a foul mood, so if it’s too much work, move on. On the bright side, going for thirty minutes is something few people have the patience for, so sticking it out will lead to some payback when period week comes around.

The Conclusion
Once you’re done (totally finished), she’s going to want you out of there pronto because the whole area is sensitive. Instead of leaving, stick out your tongue and lay it down on her like a thick, soggy carpet. Make sure you don’t move it or anything because that can actually hurt her. Just let it sit there like a dead manta ray for about thirty seconds. Then come up and wipe your face like a pirate. You now have a good minute to get the condom on and take her from the quarters of Prince Muhammad Muhammad Saddat to the cockpit of an F-15.


Getting Fired
If two hands suddenly drop from the sky and start pulling you up, you’ve just been sacked. She’ll tell you she never cums from that anyway, but the truth is you suck at sucking. Just give her a jolly good fucking and look at the whole thing as a learning experience. Later you can ask what the problem was so you can get it right the next time. If you’re really lame, you can ask for a regular play-by-play from the broadcast booth. A bit of the old “slow-down-you’re-going-to-fast-yeah-there-like-that-oh-that’s-perfect” can turn even the John Wayne Bobbitt of pussy eaters into a Doug Hart.

The Power Lunch
Nothing keeps you in the game and makes her cum harder than a mid-fuck munch. Pulling out in the middle of the race may leave her a bit confused, but it’s a great way for all you premature ejaculators to simmer down a bit and it reminds her neglected clitoris that he’s a somebody. If after a few seconds she still isn’t into it, you can save face by pretending you just couldn’t resist. Give it up and get back to the pussy.

Extra tip: Unless you like the taste of your own latex-covered dink, keep your mid-fuck snacking to the upper clit region and stay away from the whole.

The Bottom
Fingers: If you are dealing with a particularly saucy vixen she may want something in her bum. A thumb gives you the best leeway, but keep in mind you are doing a raunchy thing and this should be saved until the end. Incidentally, if you’re trying to introduce a bum finger as a good thing, try eking it in during orgasm. If it doesn’t wreck everything you could have a Pavlovian response on your hands for the rest of the relationship.
Hole: We’re not going to get into licking the actual hoop in this section because if you’re into that, you’re way too advanced for this seminar and should have graduated with a PhD in pussy years ago.

Cheeks: Bum-cheek rubbing is always good. There are over five hundred thousand nerve endings on those cheeks, so giving them a good squeeze or a slap while you lick the pussy will get you instant results.

The Double Whammy
Though some idiots (like me) say it takes away from when you actually put in the dick, simultaneous fingering is a great way to totally blow her mind. Think of it as the crack cocaine of cunnilingus. Some women will squirt the entitlement all over your face, but that is a whole other topic, Female Ejaculation, it is my favorite and I love to have the juice all over my face, hands and bed, Simply erotic…..

Being Knackered
Tongue exhaustion is the number-one cause of abandoned cunnilingus, but there are many ways to avoid it. Like we said, using your tongue as an inanimate object is a great way to give it a rest. Stick it out as far as if can go and tense it. Then bite into it with your teeth and move it around the pussy using your neck muscles. Another solution is simply to use your fingers on the clit while you give your mouth a rest.

SverigesAngel 52F
17335 posts
10/8/2006 4:16 am

How exiting, a thesis on "muff eating"! Gotta love a man who has lent this particular subject so much thought!

Naturally, I might have some additional pointers, but they will just have to wait until we're face to face, or rather face to pussy!



ineeditbiglong 56F

10/19/2006 11:10 am

Nice mite work, would have to try it myself to know for sure,let me know when you have the free time to show me,ok.

rm_caligal22 56F
1 post
1/10/2007 10:15 am

You are an unselfish man. Man of Mars??? Hmmmmm. You have obviously gone to great lengths in educating yourself on "How to COMPLETELY please a woman. In the world today, money buys many things. What you are capable of giving is PRICELESS. I regret not reading your blogs prior to our meeting back in October 2006.

rm_Sexy40blonde 52F
3 posts
9/15/2007 1:31 pm

Finally, a man who cares enough to CARE about a woman and her orgasm. Not just to get her off.. but to make sure he does it well. I too take great pride in the fact that I am "orally gifted" and appreciate a man who can distinguish the difference between getting their dick sucked and someone who wants to make them cum!!

Maybe sometime we could put our talents together for an explosive evening!

longnthck2u8 replies on 9/17/2007 3:07 pm:
Hello Sexy,

Well, maybe we should study or do our reseach and create our own mutually satisfying hypothesis......I am game....


rm_Sexy40blonde 52F
3 posts
10/1/2007 10:45 pm

Hi Joe
Im ready for a study and hypothesis session with you... ANYTIME!! I am quite sure we would create quite a conclusion. Just give me a bit of notice next time.. Work keeps me busy.. but I am certain you would keep me busier!


rm_Sexy40blonde 52F
3 posts
10/1/2007 10:49 pm

Oh.. and one more thing.. In regards to your "conclusion"...
I have to disagree with that. After I have achieved an incredibly mind blowing orgasm.. or two.. my pussy is SO sensitive.. but LOVES to have a nice hard cock slid into it while it IS still ultra sensitive and OH SO wet.... Its highly possible that I will achieve yet another!

My preference anyway..


sexy4uplay 58F  
33 posts
3/24/2008 7:26 am

Wonderful you sound like you know what your doing!!

activeblacklady 53F
8 posts
8/3/2008 1:21 pm

This sounds too good to be true. I hope to experience such or at least orgasm one day. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. Please take care. Samantha *_*

trythisonebaby 50F

11/9/2008 8:31 am

Wow! Makes me want to cum right here and now with out you between my legs but hey thats only because you write so well!!

longnthck2u8 replies on 11/9/2008 9:44 am:
Again, thank you for your comment. My experiences cum from real life and I would love to share some time with you if you are interested.

My best


Bigred100 57M
3 posts
12/14/2008 12:31 pm

Joe thanks for such a well written & informative article! I thought I had put allot of thought into this subject, I can see you are the master.


longnthck2u8 replies on 12/15/2008 8:18 am:
Hello Guy

Thank you for your kind words.

Natina13 65F

2/6/2009 1:43 am

Well heck, now that "Guy" knows all the tricks of the trade, I'm REALLY smiling.
Good job, well written. I can see oral done with intense pleasure and to give intensive pleasure, are something we have in common.
( spoken like a true sub)

longnthck2u8 54M  
82 posts
9/2/2014 10:15 am


Eros_Space 52M  
3545 posts
9/2/2014 1:12 pm

Great piece! A very instructive and enjoyable read!

- Eros

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