lonesomefornow2 65F
102 posts
7/27/2006 9:29 am

perhaps i am lucky in one respect,,, i do not look for flaws to identify fault or blame for failure of relationships,,,outside of the frame of a mirror,,it would be useless to my way of may think it ego,,,nope,,goes deeper...i have never been able to compare my actions or self to anyone else and come up with any talley not lacking ,,so i set up my own standards and identity values....everything you take for granted as influences by growing up has been filtered by a very selective filter on my input....a protective webbing of insolation (and isolation) of core personality,,,,all the things that were meant to take me down and out,,to invalidate my existance or right to hope for brighter futures....bounces off,,leaves bruises for sure,,but the lifeforce of my being to complete it's passion to the fullest is never is stronger than any other force or bond in my life,,blood or otherwise....if that makes me a bad person or somehow unacceptable in your society,,well,,dropped out before ,,no big deal,,it is a matter of course for me...if it costs me something,,trust me,,i have counted the price and factored it in....i will always offer the greater sacrifice,,, i have been indoctrinated into the belief one must earn love by behavioral compliance....while ,my personal belief and understanding of love is,,it is a gift freely given with no thought of profit in the processing of rewards or benefits,,a river ,,,the deeper you get the stronger the current,,some parts are smooth and calm and shallow,,other parts are murky and swift,it all is the river,,but where do you say ,,this part belongs to the shore and this part to the river???? i may be getting too far out in left field here,,so will take break and try to clarify if only for myself how i see the blame game,,since i got off track and wound up here,,,LOLOL back up regroup and refocus...yuck, yuck ,,yeppers

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