lonesomefornow2 65F
102 posts
7/27/2006 7:22 am

Last Read:
7/29/2006 8:13 am


my attempt to understand the call or lure of this space and activity solely in the supernatural sphere of the internet,,fails me sometimes...the addiction to anonymous audiences of "out there somewhere"..real people ,real lives..caring and thinking of those we respond to...whoa,,sounds like a ,,welllllll, you form your own opinion...but for me,it is a strange is an awaking,,, to me thinking in terms beyond the four walls of my life,,and acknowledging that it is okay to think of myself and what i want ,,,,not always assuming that my discontentment is the result of lack of something in my the way most around me think when considering a relationship's grounds for breakup....but what if the person bailing is merely got a hole in them that isn't and CAN'T be filled by a person at all,,no matter the qualities of the individual,,what then ???? How do you explain to anyone ,,the reasons for leaving must be the truth,,what if that truth is not that " they have anything WRONG, AT ALL, WITH WHO THEY ARE .." but the fact is ,,i have something un filled in me,,un sought for, un accomplished in myself that can not wait any longer to find.....whether right , wronge,sucess or failure,, i can not live to be the surity for another until I HAVE FOUND WHERE I BELONG,,,,I AM NOT THERE YET,,THIS I KNOW DEEP WITHIN ME,,AND THE VOICE OF MY SOUL WILL NO LONGER BE SILENT.....i have to be true to me,,to what i believe,,with that comes painful reality that other's and their lives are involved with me and have become accustomed to me being there for them,, it is a shock to some,,the abandonment issues,,can not be side-stepped or ignored,,confrontations and denials aside,,i push forward this time in spite of all outrages and hurt feelings,,for me it a question of now or never,,i choose NOW....sorry but it is about me,,this time...about what is in me that needs to be settled and fit in,,naturally not just adapted to conform to a ' RELATIONSHIP ',,,MY PARTNER'S LIFESTYLE,, it becomes mine ..too,,,i don't fit here,,never did really just been on holding pattern it seems ,my whole life ,,for this time,,only way it will stop now,,this path,,i have no worries or expectations ,,only a knowing it is the right path...for me,,can not choose for anyone else...words fail to spell out in simple terms or understanding,,,my thought patterns don't arrange themselves as most would assume they would...just abit off in perspectives...well, enough in this sitting,,, have some , catching up on the blogging thing,,(smile) i even went in,, and saved on my notepad,, a blog or two while my connection was down,,got it bad ,,this blogging thing..yep,,i care oddly enough,,that my opinions matter to anyone else.....weird revelation to me....who'd a thunk it ??? LOL

657 posts
7/27/2006 9:25 am

I think I know exactly how you feel. Guess that pretty much says it all.

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