lonesomefornow2 65F
102 posts
7/28/2006 3:03 am

Last Read:
5/3/2012 5:46 pm


seems i grew up with an attitude,,bent slightly to the opposite direction of everyone else in family,,,,LOL taught how to act and respond in any situation,,but no one considered that the training would carry me so far...or become so warped in the process of living it...i was set on a course,pushed off and forgotten about...all the things i learned of "how to behave" only served to hide my insecuritites and my inability to just swallow whatever came down the pike,,just because you say so.. the trust issues i have,,,the coldness that fills my chest when i think of family bonds and reunions that i was never invited to or even notified of,,the death of my father that came and went and no one called to inform me...i try to think back to some far off day of childhood that would explain the aloofness of my bloodkin to me,,but nothing comes to it must have been just me...whatever the cause it convinced me that i was insignificant to the plan of things and so i adapted to conform to the acceptable behavioral modifications,,i sold out,,bought into the myth that just being a good wife and mother was enough for me to be a sucessful human being......but the emptiness remains the central vaccum in everything i do or don't do...i am not looking to blame my folkes for anything,,i just wanted to know why,they could not see me as anything worth keeping around...or take into their hearts ...childhood creeps up to steal the joy of maturity,,,time too long past now to care but i do care and i want to know why i should care now,,it isn't a fixable thing....baggage yet,,wish i could set all of it by the wayside and walk away .....i have been accused of having an angry attitude,,guess it is part of my defenses,,i reject before you get the chance to...i've read dozens of self help books,,don't form close friendships because they don't work out for me,,and have heard all the hype of transferal emotions,etc...the id and the ego,,the nine yards of 50 dollar an hour, words that don't explain crap to ya...and still i am a mess inside,,guts missing this stage of the game...but the struggle to understand why remains..i function outside just fine,,but inside a scared lonely child that just wants her own place to sit at the table..a place to belong..a coming home celebration of recognition....just one root of my own to share but i am empty,,my name removed from the tree,,like a surgeon's knife, cut off from a living body, a limb of will not matter to the life of the tree,,it does not notice at all....but the limb feels the life withdraw....and it becomes driftwood...somber this morning....dragging my life around as though it even counts for anything...what a waste of time and energy....but i am too tired ,,now...

ZZ_Todd 59M

7/28/2006 3:45 am

You could be describing my life here. Are you a "middle child" too? I've struggled with trying to understand this kind of stuff all my life... like why my sister got a brand-new motorcycle for barely graduating from high school, while I, the only one of us 4 who went to college and graduated magna cum laude, got a stupid card with a $20 bill inside that said: "Congratulations. Now, get a job."

I think the one thing that bothers me the most is something my Dad said when I was 12 years old. We were all sitting around the table after Sunday dinner; I did something stupid that I can't even remember, and he just looks at me as says: "the best part of you dribbled down the side of my leg."

Most of my adult life has been spent wondering what the hell I ever did to deserve the lack of belonging that I've felt. And then I just got myself to the level where I am now: I don't care what they think... I don't need their approval.

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