Well, aargh...  

lonelyforsaken 35M
8 posts
1/29/2006 5:55 pm

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

Well, aargh...

Man, I hate sudden encounters.

I had originally intended to let this blog wither away and die. I'm fully aware that I'm whining more than an average LJ account, and had thought to spare everyone else... okay, spare the server from having to sit through it.

And then came this last weekend.

Why? What is it in the human makeup that makes us, despite having consciously decided "I quit", suddenly get turned to putty when a cute girl smiles? Why on Earth would I think that the kind attitude she showed me meant something, and wasn't the same thing she'd do for everyone else? How on Earth could I have possibly thought, for more than a moment, that perhaps we could get to know each other better? (And why does that thought- getting to know her- still give me a hint of the warm fuzzies?)

The realization that I will always be alone is one of the defining factors of my existence. It's a major part of what I am. So why is it that a chance encounter with someone damn near undoes nearly a decade's worth of work and discipline? (Though I will give myself some credit: While I did take the opportunity to pass by and strike a conversation once or twice, I didn't go all-out creepy stalker on her like I did back in the day. A small victory, but I'll take it.)

Luckily, the chances of me crossing her path again are exceptionally slim, which I'm sure would be a relief for her if she knew about this little drama. However, this slip tells me that I've got to tighten myself up even more, before a full-blown relapse can occur. Vigilance and cold, rational thought are the only things I can allow myself if I expect to keep on.

Damn, but she was cute though...

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