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It Must Have Been Love But It's Over Now
It Must Have Been Love But It's Over Now
I've been talking alot lately with my female chum lately, who I'll call Mimi Chumsworth. She's unquestionably been my best friend in the world over the last six years, and for the most part has been my only friend. My other friends whether here, or in my hometown, only talk to me when I phone them, and in that sense I guess it's hard to even consider them true friends. When I do talk to them, we relate as well as we ever did, but for the most part, I could dissappear off the face of the earth forever, and they wouldn't even know the difference. I guess the same could be said of my family, although I do get the occasional short phonecall from my father, once or twice a year. However, I do stay in touch with all these people more than that, but it is only through my own efforts. If I didn't call them, it's likely that we'd drift apart altogether.
I guess that's what I value about Mimi so much. She needs me as much as I need her. There have been significant periods of both our lives, where in alot of ways, we were all each other had. We met through a roomate arrangement, where me, her, and a variety of third persons shared a basement suite in a student boarding home type of arrangement. When we lived together, we spent alot of our spare time together and did alot of things outside the home. I didn't really have anyone else to hang out with aside from a large group of musicians who has since dispersed, as key people moved out of town, or simply gone their own way.
Although people have come and gone out of my life in the past few years, Mimi and I have had close ties the whole way through, even well after I found other living arrangements. We've shared a few wild adventures together, including a 4 or 5 day island road trip where we camped in various locations on the west coast of the island, where we spent much of the time naked, even while driving through towns. There was something free and uninhibited about the whole experience, and this combined with spectactular geographical scenery, as well as an emotional dialogue, created a certain theatrical mood to the whole experince. We both always look back on the trip as one of our most fondest memories.
Depsite being very close with each other, our relationship never went beyond friendship. She has told me she isn't attracted to me before, which doesn't bother me to hear that from any girl who doesn't find Brad Pitt attractive, especially when I've seen what some of her boyfriends look like. Aside from the fact that she wasn't attracted to me, I think there were alot of fundamental personality differences between us anyways. The whole 'love' thing just never clicked for us. Still, we have a definite bond and continue to share a very fun, positive relationship that is regular and ongoing. Although her marriage last summer has made some of the activities we used to share obsolete, she still remains an important part of my life.
If anyone in the world ever had an idea about how I felt about Daisy Earthshaker, it has been Mimi. I guess that's probably because she's the only one who I spend any significant time with. When I got a response from my Email to Daisy, it was just one of those things in life that made me so happy in a way that only Mimi can understand, since she's been there throughout most of the history. It was just so exciting to get the response from Daisy, and after reading what she wrote, I was filled with the joy of being rekindled by her thoughtfulness. A couple days ago, I invited Mimi over to my smoke free apartment, and we sat at my computer as I read aloud the exchange of letters between Daisy and I.
First I narrated my letter to Daisy. As I was going through it, I told Mimi to remember a particular part of the letter, as she read Daisy's response. This part of the letter read, " I like who I am around you, and I like the way you look at me. It just feels real. After you left for the other university, I thought maybe I'll meet others that I connect with like that, but I just didn't. I know you really don't know me that well now, especially after all these years, but then again, who knows what you saw in me that I didn't know you saw. I don't know. There were alot of things unsaid" I asked her to pay particular attention to, "There were alot of things unsaid."
I then read Daisy's response to me. Upon reading the first part of the letter, it was very clear to me that no one could of written the letter but Daisy. The way she worded everything revealed her manner of cheerful optimism and thoughtfulness that just made her distinct personality jump off the page at me. The words just displayed her true soul that I could almost see visually on the page. This was the first time that Mimi had a chance to see into her soul, and she stated, "Wow. She's thoughtful."
Everything in the letter made me happy, but I asked Mimi to pay particular attention to how she ended the letter. In the last part of the letter it read, "I'm glad you finally got to say all these things to me. So many times I have thoght the same things, and wished I could say it, but my thoughts were usually left unsaid. However, my boyfriend had asked for me not ot speak to you in person, and I must respect that. I wish all the best for you. God Bless. Daisy."
"'So many times', Mimi! 'So many times!' Not 'there have been times' but 'so many times!' My feelings were right!"
I then read the final letter aloud to Mimi, which was a response to Daisy's response. In this letter I basically mentioned how I totally respect the situation with her boyfriend, which I didn't want to jeopardize, and thus didn't expect to get a response back. I told her that the main thing for me was that she knew how I felt all long. I said I was prepared to walk away from this gracefully, but wanted to let her know I received her response, and how happy it made me. I told her that I hope we talk again someday, but if not, that I am a happier person just having seen her again, and that I wished all the best for her too. I ended the letter with, "God Bless. Liv."
As Mimi and I sat at the computer together, it was almost like an era had come to an end for both of us. My seven year quest to get my message to Daisy had finally come to an end, and circumstances prohibited our acquaintance from going any further. One of the things I mentioned in my final letter was that I was prepared for this, yet had to make a decison between carrying on talking to her casually as I always had or let her know how I really feel. I mentioned that it was more important to me that I told her these things, if it meant never seeing her again, than to continue to talk to her casually without her knowing
what I TRULY felt. The truth was finally out after all these years, and I felt free.
Mimi and I sat and mystically summarized the events, and we got into a deep discussion about love. Although I was able to express some sides of myself that I hadn't in a long time, Mimi and I were still living in different worlds. Despite being five years younger, she was able to speak about love from a higher plateau than I was able to. Although I feel like she could really understand how I felt about Daisy, I was still someone who has yet to really go through the motions of love. Mimi would talk about how she would rather have something bad happen to her, than to her husband, and there were tears in her eyes when she spoke of this. I could see how real her feelings were, and finally had a better understanding of how she felt about her husband.
Before seeing her like that, I wasn't even all that sure whether love was real. I mean, you see it in the movies and stuff, and sometimes you feel a particular way toward someone, but I wondered whether people actually experienced mutual love in real life. I never see strong feelings between men and women in the real world. Sometimes I'll see people kissing or holding hands, but in public you never seem to see a connection strong enough to display the qualities of love. I guess there's a whole lot I don't see.
Still there are things inside myself that I know all too well. A certain emotion that exists inside me with regard to my feelings toward another person. Something that inspires more thought, and more emotion; something bigger than me. It's where the song lyric in "Up where we belong" that reads, "Where the eagles fly" makes sense in some mystical cosmic fashion. Perhaps it's that part of life that musicians have been trying to sing about all these years, yet I never quite fully understood their perspective. There were certain vibes in the air that only music can explain, whenever I watched Daisy walking away from me, after a conversation, looking pensively to the sky. There's a certain connection I have with God, in which Daisy's words "God Bless" bore a coincidence that is perhaps more than a coincidence in which only someone with this divine connection can understand. There is a part of me, which only I can fully grasp, that is in essence, the truest part of me, which after thirty two years, has yet to be shared with another person.
Although I feel stronger than ever about the possibility that I may have been on the threshold of love in my lifetime, it is still nothing I can know for sure. There is still a possibility that Daisy only wrote what she did with regard to having "wanted to say the same things to me, and wished she could say it" to make me feel better when we parted. There's a part of me that thinks she would put enough thought into anyone's feelings to say such a thing. Still there's the part of me that says I'm just playing dumb again. It's the part of me that exists when I look back to the expression on her face when she stared at me in the classroom, or the tone of her voice when she said goodbye. It's something that if I had of been able to recognize at the time, and knew how to act on it, perhaps this blog would tell a different story.
However, the reality is, that whatever was going on in her mind that had inspired her to turn around and shout something trivial to me, long after we had walked off in separate directions, I missed it somehow. And although I was finally able to tell her some of what I felt seven years later, my timing was bad, and although I don't think it's impossible for me to ever forget her, my verbal communication with her is over now. I can only turn to my life long companion at this point. Music. The only true love that remains with me, today. However, I haven't been all that faithful to my companion, and it's time I reconciled.
Stay tuned for the next post.....
4/14/2006 9:37 am
Look, I know you think your someBIG ASS Brad Pitt movie star now, and that Daisy Earthshaker's all google eyed over ya, but whenBOSS tells you not to hide your post. YOU LEAVE IT UP!!!!!|