Catharsis #1  

lissi888888 52F
1330 posts
8/2/2006 7:46 pm

Last Read:
11/2/2006 8:28 am

Catharsis #1


Ramblings for me...just to process shit.

Thinking of the past. Of the beautiful woman that was my mother. I remember thinking she was the most beautiful person....esthetically. She had such esteem issues...but I was young...I didn't understand those (thank the gods).

I remember when she was happy, her inner light could envelope you and make you warm and you knew...really knew...that she loved you more than anything else in the world at just that moment.

Her touch could make you smile. Her kisses could make any hurt go away in an instant...because her kisses were magic...they were mommy kisses.

As I got older...that mommy showed up less and less often. She became another person. Someone you didn't want to know. We didn't understand until much later...she didn't know either. It had to have been so hard to be her.

I remember vividly...it was the summer before I turned 5. My sister, brother and I were playing. We thought it would be quite the thing to dig in the dirt beside the house. Unfortunately, our idea wasn't something mom wanted us to do. We made a bit of a mess. Nothing really. Easily fixed. But mom went off the wall. I remember the belt. I remember the pain. I remember hiding in my bed and crying...holding my sister and my brother. That person was not my mother. I didn't know that person. She was rabid....crazy with anger...she became the mom-thing. We were small children...my brother wasn't yet 3...my sister was almost 7. From then on...it was not good.

I remember adoring my baby brother. He was MY baby. He was to be protected at all costs. My sister and I took on his impishness and took credit for things my parents had to know we didn't do. We took his beatin's. It was the way of it. He couldn't get the belt all the time. It wasn't right. We knew it at the time...we know it inow. It just wasn't ever right. You don't beat a baby for doing stupid shit. You just don't.

We walked on eggshells. All three of us kids were scared always. We didn't have friends come over...cause she'd snap on them as well and then they'd want to go home...they always wanted to go home and they never came back. I only tried once. My sister did twice. My brother never had anyone come over. He knew...he'd seen it all.

Don't think that people didn't know...People KNEW. My girl scout leader said she did when I asked her about it as a teen. She saw all the bruises. She knew...but she explained that back then you didn't tell anyone. You just went on and minded your own business. That was what they did. It was the way it worked.

Dad worked so hard. He didn't mean to not know what was going on. He really didn't. I see that now. He was being the father. He was doing his best to provide. He thought us kids were just accident prone. We thought he knew. We were wrong...very very wrong. He would've helped us had he known. The poor man didn't know what happened and he hurt hearing it later on. You could see it in his eyes. No one can be prepared for that. Mom didn't show him that side...just us. We were weaker...and her father did it to her...cause that's the way it worked when she was young as well.

I remember it was hard...and remember the day we said enough is enough. I was 12...my sister was 14. Mom had us both in the corner at the bottom of the stairs. She was wailing on us again with this huge wooden spoon that was her favorite implement of the day. I don't even remember why she was so angry...just knew that we'd pissed her off again. All of a sudden my sister and I looked at each other. We both knew in an instant what we were going to do. We had to...neither of us could stand it any longer. It was time...past time. We pulled back our legs and as one...we pushed out at the mom-things mid-section. We pushed with all our might. She flew. I don't mean she fell back...I mean FLEW. The living room was about 18 feet long and if you add in the front entry...she flew about 24 feet. I kid you not...cause she landed on the couch which was against the wall at the other end of the room. She was spluttering...and she was crying. For once it wasn't us...it was her. We hadn't really hurt her. We had just struck back...which was unthinkable. You don't do that.

She left that day. She took great pains to tell each of us (my bro, my sis, my dad and myself) privately that we were the reason she was leaving. She tried to make us feel guilty and hurt us like she was hurting. But she didn't realize that she'd been hurting us like that for so long that her words fell on deaf ears. That's the day my life changed...forever.

Dad was the best dad and mom ever. He was my soccer coach. He went on my band trips. He bought me dresses (oh my!!! he had such bad taste LOL...and he was cheap...but he was so cute about it). He supported me. He loved me. I was such a shit. I was mouthy. I was a smart ass. I was sooooo opinionated. I knew it all. I was so fucked up in the head.

To be continued...




rm_Ellenback 58F
966 posts
8/2/2006 8:45 pm

(((softboobyhugs))) Lissy, doll...I hurt inside and all over for you...My Mom didn't do this shit to us, she just left us...I remember praying she'd come back, even if she'd be angry and hurt us, cuz at least we'd have a Mom.

But you knew to protect your little bro, and for that, and for all you've gone through, you have my respect and admiration. Even more, you fought back, and hard.

Good on ya, girl...break that damn cycle!

(((softboobyhugs)))

Elle


lissi888888 52F
1401 posts
8/2/2006 9:18 pm

mizzkitka...this is just the start of the story...there is more and she was more. This was only part one. I'm much older now...ok...lets call it middle aged LMAO (don't know as I like the sound of that so much but it's kind of a fact). My mom sounds like the bad guy...and for that period in my life she was...but I will write the next part in the next couple days...

Thanks for your sweet words...they mean a lot.

Lis


lissi888888 52F
1401 posts
8/2/2006 9:28 pm

Elle...thanks hon {{{hugs}}} Don't hurt for me...please don't...I don't hurt anymore. I'm lucky...very...I survived...and am the better for it. And I've worked very hard to break that cycle. But you've got to think about all the resources we have now eh? It's a different world...truly.


shybutneedinit 47F

8/3/2006 5:15 am

hugsssssss lissi, I can totally see where you are coming from. I was abused as a child, not physically, but I know your pain. I am glad to hear that you don't hurt anymore. I say that too, but we all know you never forget it, never, its always there in the back of your mind. But then again, going through what we have, makes you stronger. Some more than others. Stay strong girly, and just love that child. You deseserve every happiness that is brought forth to you.
*smile*


SirMounts 102M

8/3/2006 8:07 am

Lis...
Yes, and it makes it no better, to know that others have gone through what you have. I feel badly that it happened, even as it feels good, to come to know you better, now. *smiling warmly*


lissi888888 52F
1401 posts
8/3/2006 4:49 pm

    Quoting shybutneedinit:
    hugsssssss lissi, I can totally see where you are coming from. I was abused as a child, not physically, but I know your pain. I am glad to hear that you don't hurt anymore. I say that too, but we all know you never forget it, never, its always there in the back of your mind. But then again, going through what we have, makes you stronger. Some more than others. Stay strong girly, and just love that child. You deseserve every happiness that is brought forth to you.
    *smile*
{{{{hugs}}}}} Shy Girlie I think the mental abuse was much worse hon...so you do know my pain. No...you never forget...but because you remember...you are acutely sensitive to the feelings of those around you in a whole different way.


lissi888888 52F
1401 posts
8/3/2006 4:51 pm

    Quoting SirMounts:
    Lis...
    Yes, and it makes it no better, to know that others have gone through what you have. I feel badly that it happened, even as it feels good, to come to know you better, now. *smiling warmly*
sirmounts...darlin...don't feel badly...I am who I am partly because I went through what a went through. It is just one of those things that happens that is not under our control. Once through you are relieved and you work through the issues...and become whole...and strong (if you are lucky...I am lucky). {{{hugs hon}}}


SirMounts 102M

10/26/2006 6:37 am

    Quoting lissi888888:
    sirmounts...darlin...don't feel badly...I am who I am partly because I went through what a went through. It is just one of those things that happens that is not under our control. Once through you are relieved and you work through the issues...and become whole...and strong (if you are lucky...I am lucky). {{{hugs hon}}}
lis...
Well, I'm glad you are who you are. *smiling*


lissi888888 52F
1401 posts
11/2/2006 8:28 am

    Quoting SirMounts:
    lis...
    Well, I'm glad you are who you are. *smiling*
Sir...thanks hon...figure everything in our lives happens for a reason...and makes up who we are. Each little thing no matter how good or how bad come together to make up the whole.


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